WWE Fastlane 2017: My Thoughts · 6:31am Mar 6th, 2017
Fastlane was meh. Wasn't great, but it wasn't terrible. I have a massive gripe or two, but we'll get into that in a minute.
Spoilers.
The Cruiserweight tag match was boring, as to be expected. I literally cannot think of anything exciting that happened, save for Alicia Fox stopping the double suicide dive.
I actually missed most of Sami Zayn v Samoa Joe, but the bits I saw were great. Good work on both of those guys.
The Club v Enzo and Cass (for the tag titles) was entertaining, as to be expected. Not at all surprised that the Club retained, though I would have liked to see E&C as champs. I'm sure it'll happen eventually, but, y'know, whatever.
Sasha Banks v Nia Jax... What can I really say? Solid match, nothing really spectacular. I am very confused, because I could've sworn that the match was announced as a submission match at the start (And Conjure also heard it, so I don't think I'm crazy). I suppose that JoJo might've just botched, but that's a rather huge fuck up. Maybe the match was supposed to be a submission match, but they changed it at the last second? I dunno, man, but it sure was weird. Good match, good outcome, but I wish Sasha could do more with Nia. I don't know if it's because of her size or her style, but they just don't click like Sasha and Charlotte did. Those two had a more fluid dynamic, and I managed to enjoy every single one of the 3,000,000,000 Sasha v Charlotte matches. Her match with Jax felt more like a squash match with a plot twist at the end.
Cesaro v Jinder Mahal was a strange choice, but not one I'm upset with. I really enjoyed Mick Foley's "Best of 7 series" joke before the match, that being a fun little bit of meta humor. Cesaro, as I'm sure I've said before, is physically incapable of putting on a bad match. He carried Jinder into a solid match, with some incredible spots. That one-handed vertical suplex was especially great, and I always love seeing the Swiss-One-Nine (I've never heard that name before, but I'm gonna do my part to make it stick, dammit!)
Big Show v Rusev was truly surprising. I used to think Big Show was mediocre in the ring, and only stuck around because of his size, but he did some good shit with Rusev. Between this, and his fantastic match with Strowman, I gotta admit that maybe I misjudged the World's Largest Athlete.
Neville v Jack Gallagher (for the Cruiserweight title) was probably my favorite match of the night. Gallagher has this style that meshes very well with Neville. Those bits where Neville seemed genuinely unable to figure out how to deal with Jack were amazing. Neville would get frustrated and slip out of the ring. It was great. Neville was appropriately brutal, with Gallagher being a perfectly slippery, slimy little guy. In their own ways, both Neville and Jack are the perfect Cruiserweights; Neville being a "tiny" powerhouse who doesn't fuck around, and Jack being the grounded, striker-technician (though Gallagher did hit a rather nice suicide plancha). I was unsurprised to see Neville retain, though I hope they give Jack another go. Maybe not at Mania, he doesn't feel like he's at that level yet, but maybe after. All I know is that I want, nay, need to see the strap on the Gentleman.
Roman v Strowman... It was fine. Braun is incredible as ever and Roman does good work. Unsurprised, but annoyed, with Roman winning, but what're you gonna do? I feel like the less said about this match, the better.
Now, onto the match that really pissed me off: Bayley v Charlotte (for the Woman's title). The match itself was fine. I liked seeing Bayley get frustrated and a little bit ballistic, and it's no secret that those two can wrestle their asses off. And, you know, even the assist from Sasha didn't irk me very much, assuming that this is used as fuel for her eventual heel turn. No, what rustled my jimmies is the fact that Bayley won the match! What the hell?! Do we not give a damn about stories anymore? Because, and this is what I would've done, I was under the assumption that Bayley would have lost on Raw 3 weeks ago, lose tonight via shenanigans, and then finally win at Mania. This makes Bayley's chase for the title feel more tense and emotional, preserves Charlotte's streak until a point that it would feel appropriate at, and leave options for Bayley's upcoming angles (like a Sasha heel turn then feud). But, for reasons best known to God himself (Vincent Kennedy McMahon), it didn't turn out that way. It's a shame, really, that they're just throwing storylines like that away. It's not every day that a story presents itself to you on a silver platter. Between this and the WWE title angle on SmackDown, I'm starting to think that WWE used all of their creativity, storytelling, and intelligence to put together that Festival of Friendship bit.
Main event, KO v Goldberg (for the Universal title). Short, sweet, beautiful. I knew that Goldberg would get the strap, and I appreciate Kevin giving us a bit of a show despite the obviousness of the outcome. For about a minute and a half, we all thought that Mr. Steen had some tricks up his sleeves. And, for all we know, he did. We'll never be sure, because Jericho's distraction (which was perfect, I might add) had the Universal title match end even sooner than Brock v Goldberg at Survivor Series. Goldberg left looking strong, KO doesn't look too weak because he was distracted (and also, he was fighting Bill fucking Goldberg), and we seem to have a Canada match for Mania in KO v Jericho. Only thing I'm not pleased about is the fact that Brock will probably be picking up the Universal title at Mania. If they kept it on KO, then he could eventually pass it to someone who needs it. Cesaro, Samoa Joe, Sami (probably not, but a guy can dream), even Braun or Rusev. But no, we're gonna give it to a part-timer. It's okay, I suppose. They'll get their time in the spotlight, or they'll find success elsewhere.
So, overall, Fastlane was fine. Probably better than Elimination Chamber, but that's just me. What I will say is that it felt rather inconsequential in of the sense that WWE didn't seem to give a fuck that Fastlane was happening. It felt like something that needed to be dealt with before Wrestlemania. It's like when your mom tells you to eat your dinner before you have dessert. Dinner would've been tasty enough by itself, but making it a task to be completed before you get what you really want makes it seem like a chore. The constant pushing of Wrestlemania gave off an air of "fuck Fastlane, Mania is in 20-something days". It might not seem like much, but how the company looks at an event can make the difference between an okay PPV and a good one, a good one and a great one.
But what are your thoughts? Tell me below, I'm very eager to know. Now, if you excuse me, I have to put my fantasy booking skills to work...
I am legitimately pissed off by Fastlane hence why I asked if you saw it. I have to vent. Most of the event wasn't great, but Charlotte losing the way she did sucked. Then the main event: Goldberg has always sucked in the ring from his first day in WCW. He has always been overrated. But, that's not my main issue. The fact a fifty years old man who has't been in WWE for a decade prior won the title and will compete in the main event of WWE's biggest show recreating a match from thirteen years ago when there are much more deserving guys in the back lie Owens, Sami and Joe really pisses me off. All I have to say is Fuck This Company.