Help! (I need somepony!) · 3:43pm Sep 21st, 2012
I've got two items to adress - a feel to share with you, and a request. Feel first.
Let me just start off by saying that you all are really great. Go ahead, give yourself a pat on the back. Ya done good. What for, you ask? Well, every one of you that has watched or favourited something of mine has impacted me - I feel so good as of late. Not that I was ever doing poorly. It just feels really cool to know that I've created something that people actually like, and are excited to read more of.
To that end, you deserve thanks.
Anyways, just feeling really good right now and wanted to share some of the love. Now, onto my request:
I've written a relatively quick little one-shot, and I'm personally very fond of it. But that sort of worries me in a way. I'm concerned I may have written it in a style which I personally connect with and enjoy, but in doing so have created a work which is inaccessible to anypony other than myself.
So I would appreciate it very much if anyone with a spare 15 minutes or so could read over it and give me a review on it, specifically on the style elements and the ending.
Here's a google doc if any of you fine people would like to help out.
Thanks so much!
~R&R
I completely understand and sympathize.
I thought it was a pretty good story.
The concept of escaping is usually something that I read, so when I got to the point where Fluttershy is snowed in, it perked my interest as to what would happen next.
It was very easy to follow, no skips and full detail, the detail of which was very amazing and in depth.
I personally think there could be more chapters/parts to the story though. What happens after they escape the snow? Do they find others? Does everything go back to normal? I personally think that you could expand this more.
You should submit it on here too, I think others would like it.
373852 Ah, you see though, the whole reason I like it is because there's very little explained. They start to walk, but there's no direction, destination, or modifications. They just walk. It's an odd sort of ending that most would find unsatisfying, but... Anyways, I originally planned on having them both freeze to death, so this is a step up :D
I'm glad you found it easy to follow though, that was something I worried about.
I think that as long as there are no major holes or parts you found confusing, then that's good enough. I've scrutinised it long enough to be pleased with all the wordings and grammar, and honestly, if people don't like it because of the content and not because of errors, then I'm okay with that.
Hey, if you want ponies to proof read your stories, you should join Proofreaders and People willing to proof read. I used the group on my first chapter, and I have to say, they are great.
376501 I'm part of that group, but I wasn't looking for proofreaders. I know my story is free of technical errors, I just wanted some reviews before I posted it.
Your story needs work. First of all, you tell us a lot of things, rather than show it. For example, you tell your reader that Big Mac and Fluttershy have a conversation; why not just write it out? Plus, you don't use much detail in the beginning, leaving the reader to wonder how serious the situation is, how long the two have known each other, and and other important details that help the reader get a general sense of the situation.
Another thing is sentence variety. In your entire second section, all the sentences start with "she" (except for the first). Plus, they are all compound sentences, giving the reader feelings of monotony.
You also are abusing your transitions. In your third section, you use "this time" as a progressive transition, but it is more of a contradictive transition (i.e. Since the gunpowder didn't work, this time we will use nitroglycerin.)
Personally, I would love to bash on your work some more, because I think you are a good writer. And I am not just saying that to be nice; "Wildfire" is a work of art. If you allow me to comment, I will be more than happy to help you out. I'll PM my e-mail so you can add me to the doc, if you so desire.
Always Sincerely,
The Music Man
376912 I greatly appreciate what you've said! However, as you can probably tell from my other works, I'm capable of rectifying such errors. The complete lack of dialogue, in particular, was intentional. Also the repetitive sentence structure, and lack of detail. I wanted the story to be stripped down and ambiguous, you see. I may or may not have succeeded in an elegant way... Perhaps there is still too much detail for my intentions to be obvious. Perhaps there should be more, for the sake of a more complete atmosphere. Perhaps, again, this idea was doomed from the start.
I will, however, look for misused transitions, because that certainly wasn't something I intended.
As always, any sort of review or feedback is worth it's weight in gold! Ha, I joke, it's worth much more than that, considering that the weight of your comment is equivalent to a few electrons speeding through wires somewhere. I'll change the settings on the doc tomorrow, if you like. Thanks very much!