A post avantgarde review of something incredibly wonderful · 10:36pm Sep 13th, 2012
Okay, seriously? Fucking seriously? God damn it, if you fucking tried you couldn't fuck up this badly. I am still completely flabbergasted. Dear reader of today's FFF, what you are about to see is the absolute destruction of the mere concept of language. There's no other way to describe it. The writer has literally violated the very ideals of spelling. THIS IS THE RAPE OF REASON!
This is HERESY and under the seal of the god emperor, he shall be subjected to a Pissus Offus Englishus Teacherus.
"The story" revolves around some batshit insane concept of Applejack making the apples blue (?) for Spike (??) or something along those lines. I'm afraid I was too busy ingesting massive doses of alcohol. I simply need to destroy my liver and my mind in order to be able to process this act of terrorism on paper. Actually, scratch that, let's just get down and dirty here, shall we?
Suddenly applejack was farming.
ž
I...
A-ah...
Uhhh...
YEP
It hit her with amazing creativeness and supreme recognition that she hated the color red because blue seemed to be much better when she gazed at it with intense furry.
What the fuck. Just...what. I'm sorry, my brain would explode but it would appear that all my braincells have collapsed into dust. Let's get a little breakdown in, shall we:
1.) "Amazing creativeness" and "supreme recognition"
2.) "She hated the colour red" Bu-but, her cuti-
3.) Intense furry
Intense...
Furry...
INTENSE FURRY
WHAT THE DICKENS?!!?!?!
Her brows rose and she eyed the apples in her hands and sighed with her eyes closed to tears and her body shook with intense pain and upsetting and deep despair of the worst kind.
I can't tell if this is a story or if the writer is really into dadaist poetry
Only because ast . “well howdy this sucks!” She screamed with maliscoius excitement and threw the apples at the tree and bucked the air with both back feet.
Maliscoius. I actually had to squint and lean in so that I could copy that. Suddenly, I am afraid that I will never be able to spell "malicious" correctly again.
...holy fuckballs, this is retarded...
Spike who was nearby because he was kicked out of rarity
He was kicked...
...OUT OF RARITY?
SPIKE GOT KICKED OUT OF RARITY???
for being an asshole
That makes some sense, yeah.
and beating the shit out of the angle bunny roared. “What the heck!” He stuck his tongue out with flames that triangled out in red and his fists clenched with precise annoyed wrath. Smoke piled upon him and he cried immensely and loudly. “You stupid butthole you plugged me with the stupid red apples!”
I don't know what the author's on but if he sees Angel the bunny like this, I want some.
He bit into one. His chin and teeth gnashing it to tiny red bits of food. That would soon be disassembled into his smokey ears and nose holes to become his wretched flame.
And now, a flowery description of the devil (Angel?) eating an apple. What.
“Well im sorry but these apples have pissed me off spike ok yall.” applejack sipped the cider.
The only time when you get pissed at apples is when your cider is pure acid.
She sat down and cried with heaving plot and deep breasted sorrow. Spike watched her depressed body and licked his lips as seductively as he could.
Heaving plot? Spike licking his lips seductively? Uh-oh, we're heading for surrealist neo-avantgarde clop here.
“It is ok because i am here for you.” She sobbed but did not stop him from being there. “I just like the color blue so much yall.” She wept with immense fear of tearing and she covered her face with one hoof and rubbed her pony neck with the other. Because spike had got to her.
There has to be a deeper meaning to all of this, there simply has to be. Nobody writes something this bad for no reason what so ever. Maybe this is a concept fic? The problem is we don't actually see the extremely well hidden motifs of sorrow, abandonment, sexual confusion and the complete erosion of the human soul?
“I will help you change there stupid color!” his tongue became long like and he slid it in and out of her ears and against her mane and against her eyes.
Spike is licking Applejack's eyes. I absolutely despise the fic but I simply adore all the surrealist and neo-psychedelic subtext. I still can't decide if this is horrifying or brilliant.
Twilight taught me to magic things and make them cool because I am destined for being amazing.” He sparkled like the sky with a billion stars and Celests mane all rolled into one. He was super needy because rarity had cut him off and he squeezed her with sexy prowess.
Somebody needs to recite this in a smoky Parisian bar whilst wearing nothing but a pair of sunglasses, a pink strap-on and a turtleneck.
His tongue filtered between her horse mane hair and he squeeled with exceptional pleasure. “We have to be together like Martin Willis though to charge my mage powers.”
Martin Willis? Mane powers? Absolutely fucking amazing percussive neo-paganist jazzcore poetry.
“Well I guess that can’t be helped then ponyhowdy.”
PONYHOWDY! SARTRE YES, MY NEW CATCHPHRASE HAS ARRIVED!
She said it to seem coy and flirting in appearance but deep. Down spike had turned her into a roaring stallion of the most viral and pleasure seeking.
Viral AND pleasure seeking? You better seek out some condoms, mizz Applejack.
“we should probably hurry though so I dont harvest all the apples before they change color.” She drank the cider.
“Yeah.” Spike quited with unbelievable accuracy and lifted his tongue to her lips. “Kiss me then we will make love.”
And then they made love in the middle of a garbage dump just outside Geneva, all the while sensually wrapped in lettuce! Yes! And then, I put them on my tortilla and fed them to the hungry mouths of the earth!
applejack blushed to the color of apples all over her skin and opened her mouth so they could make out.
Then spike made love to her.
...I swear, Andre Breton is crying in his grave right now...
“Ya that feels so good.” He licked her mane and tail to taste her secretly to become empored with feeling.
“SHUCKS SPIKE THAT IS SO BUCKING GOOD!” Applejack screamed with pleasure to spite. Let her sexy straw hair down and spike became inside of her and they were happy.
*In posh East End intellectual accent* You see here, ladies and gentlemen, you see, here we 'ave a deep, overwhelming story about courage, existence, the meaning of life and the very darkest depths of the human soul. Spike IS in fact the earth, gradually entombing Applejack within his own form while being entombed within hers!
Suddenly winona.
*Posh accent continues* Winona here, represents the thing we all crave for, the ultimate release from life...
She was so pleased.
Nuclear war.
*Posh intellectual falls into manhole, exploding into a joyful star-system*
She wanted to join and help the farm become a better colored place than red and she had decided that she would cheer them on and that way the farm could have rare blue apples and become the coolest apple farm in all of ponyville and aqestria to the point that even twilight would be jealous of the might that spike produced with his love magic and understanding of deep points of pony skills.
Uhhh-SHIKISHIKSHIKSHIKSHIKSHIKSHIK
BROCOLLIBROCOLLIBROCOLLIBROCOLLIBROCOLLIBROCOLLIBROCOLLIBROCOLLIBROCOLLIBROCOLLIBROCOLLIBROCOLLIBROCOLLIBROCOLLIBROCOLLIBROCOLLIBROCOLLIBROCOLLI
I AM YOU AND WHAT I SEE IS ME!
So spike let winona be. Winona licked applejacks face. And spike lifting his feet with extra care to be beside applejack one last time in quietness. they all had the greatest of marvelous sociable love and spike was fulfilled to laugh at rarity having cut him off for defeating the tyranny of her stupid pet angel.
“Now I will cast the stupid fing spell.” He screeched beyond loudness raising his neck so that his flame made him turn from purple to orange like applejack and she blushed.
OUI! OUI, MON CHERIE! JE SUIS TON MERDE!
“apples beish blueicus.” He spit fire so high it reached the sun and celest saw it from canterlot.
Then all the apples became the color of red to the color blue.
AW YISS, AND THEN IT RAINED SALAD AND PISSED-OFF NINJA DUCKS!
“Heck yeah spike.” applejack beamed with immense pride and sipped the cider. “This is so awesome yall.” She eyed the now blue apples with acceptance and was pleased with him to the point they all made love once more in ecstatic celebration at their fantastic deed of saving the dullness of SWEET APPLE ACRES.
WHAT ARE YOU?!?!
WHAT AM I?!?!?!
Spike cried a little though because martin wasnt there to cheer and help. he knew that martin was busy and the most special pony ever though and could not always be there with spike around. So he forgave him and with a laugh that tickled his heart to dark twisted desire. He lifted a claw and crushing it to a fist. Proclaimed. “I will write the actions of my deeds to share with him. because we are fing bros.”
THE SCREAM OF THE MIND KNOWS NO RELEASE THE SCREAM OF THE MIND KNOWS NO RELEASE THE SCREAM OF THE MIND KNOWS NO RELEASE
BEAUDELAAAAIIIIRRREEEE!!!!
And Applejack didnt mind because she was so pleased with the color of the apples and being together with Spike. Applejack sipped the cider. It was another great day in ponyville working hard and being friends with everyone like spike.
AND ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND!
Spike grinned to ecstacy and laughed rolling his tongue like magic. “it was good to be with applejack.” he wrote last to his self letter and sighed.
ECSRACY! DAMN YOU, YOU POST-MODERNIST FASCIST PRISONER OF THE SEVEN STARSYSTEMS! LIIIIIBBBEEEEERRAAAAATTTTTEEEE!
DUCKS!
Granny Smith nodded. “Sometimes we are like the apples and we are red. We wish to be the color blue. But we cannot change the color of ourselves to be for the happiness we desire. Instead we must allow someone with powerful magic to change us and make us what we should have been. Only then can we be happy with what our color should be all along but wasnt.”
I SCREAM FOR THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE FOR SCREAMING BECAUSE OF THE THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE
Spike glowed in pride at being called a mage and gave the thumbs up sign to granny smith.
Applejack sipped the cider and nodded.
AAAARARARARRARARARARARARARARARARAARARRARARARARARARARARARRARARARARARARARARARRAARRAARRARARARARARARARARARRARARARARARARARARARARRARARARARARARAR
PLLLLLLLRRRRRBBBBTTT!
It was all good.
KAAAAABOOOOOOOM
*bleeeeeeep*
...
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dear God my sides
my mind is full of fuck.
*Pokes nervously with a stick* Hey... Are you okay? No seriously, are you okay? Do you need somepony to take you to the hospital? You don't look nor sound so good.