Letting These Thoughts Fly

I want to warn people right off the bat that this is a spur-of-the-moment, thing. I just wrote this blog to vent my thoughts, frustrations, or whatever I'm feeling. If you're the type of person who's disinterested in personal drama and the like, please look no further.

You have been warned.

If you have chosen to remain, then welcome.

I've been told in the past that I need a thick skin. One thing I pride myself in is being more self-aware of my own issues than most people. It's already something that I'm not good at when it comes to writing. I don't know if it's mandatory to have a thick skin when it comes to writing, but the more conversations that I have about my writing abilities, the more it seems like it is. I definitely don't want to give off the impression that I'm not someone who refuses to listen or put someone's thoughts into account. But at the same time, I can't help but feel the tiniest bit of hurt when someone has a problem with what I wrote, even though it's for the greater good.

I'm currently taking a Creative Writing class in college (I'm 21), and these drafts I've written between poems and prose pieces have been mostly terrible, according to critiques from both my instructor and my peers. Which surprises me because in the past, I've been told that my writing is good. Though, I think that it may have something to do with the fact that writing Fanfiction is a different realm from writing actual prose or poetry.

Like, before taking that class, I've never written prose before or have dedicated time to poetry. And from writing that last sentence down, I'm thinking back to when my lover told me that you can't just be instantly good at anything. You have to devote your life to it. I've also been told to not give up because if you do tell yourself that you'll never be good at it then you will never be good at it because you've given up. That's very true.

But right now, as I'm writing this, I'm feeling like I've reached one of the lowest points (if not the lowest point) of my adventures in the imaginative jungle that is writing. Judging from what people say about my writing, it seems that I have potential, yet my execution is extremely sloppy.

When I got a non-fiction prose piece back today with a bunch of criticism of what I believed to be basic mistakes, I felt awful and shaken about my abilities to write. I know that criticism is meant to help me be better, yet why do I always feel...ashamed? Hurt? Like, it's something I never got with myself. Does anyone else ask themselves this question? It's common sense for me to be accepting of what tips and critiques people give me but it's not something that I can bear well.

Maybe I'm just thinking too deeply into what I'm feeling about what it means to be a writer or a creator of anything. Maybe I should just continue with a simple plan to better myself to write better stuff for the future. Because if I'm this bad now and I refuse to listen to people who have legitimate points to make about how my writing could be better, there's no way I'm cut out to be a writer.

After I took a nap today, I thought long about how my first drafts have been in the past an what people usually say about them. When I revise them, I will have to take a look at...my mistakes. I can't wimp out on that. I need to be strong and face the fact that I'm not a one-shot wonder who can make perfect stuff in his sleep without even trying. I'm sure professionals had a similar struggle, too. Doesn't it take a life's devotion to be a professional in what you do in anything?

So now, I'm writing this blog, venting my feelings and possibly causing some people to roll their eyes to my personal drama. I don't care if people see this. That's not the point. I just want to write this down so that I don't feel like I suffered for nothing once I look back on this blog in the future and reflect on how much I've improved since then.

I'm set to have a conference with my Creative Writing instructor later on today. ...I wonder, what's it going to be like being alone and facing his inevitable tough words?