Furious Fridays, Episode 4: October 23, 2015

Welcome to this week’s Furious Friday, which happens to be a video game themed special episode, and also has a guest appearance by Ringmaster1336! If you’re an avid gamer, we’ve definitely got some shit to talk about that most definitely pisses you off as well. Without further ado, let’s a-go! Ringmaster, you’re player one, you can get to go first!

Thanks, Plague. I don’t have too much to rage about this week, but there are two things that I can think of that piss me off when I’m gaming. Like when I’m playing online, one thing I HATE is…

Squeakers
Now, before I start raging about Squeakers, I know that some of you are thinking; ‘What the fuck is a Squeaker?’ Relax, relax, I’ll tell you. Most of you might already know what a Squeaker is, without even realizing you do. A Squeaker is one of those spoiled brats that you have to listen to when you play first-person-shooters on xbox live. You all know what I mean. The 11-year-old who claims he’s male, even though he sounds like your baby sister from his mic, and probably hasn’t grown his first pube, but screams that he’ll fuck your mom anyway. Then he proceeds to accuse everyone who gets a kill on him of cheating, because he can’t accept the fact that he just sucks at the game, and that his hand-eye coordination is worse than that of a fucking dyslexic bat that got both it’s wings chopped off. And once nobody buys that excuse anymore, he accuses his internet of lagging, which we all know is probably also a load of bullshit. I mean, the kid is half my age, and he has a fucking xbox, it’s pretty safe to assume he has a kick-ass router too! His parents are so loaded that they spoil him rotten because the top 1% has been taught in private school that true parental love can be replicated through material objects, since they’re too busy playing golf with the CEO that sells them blow to actually care for their child and teach him that it’s wrong and annoying as fuck to threaten to rape someone’s maternal figure over losing a team deathmatch in HALO 5. Seriously, kid, your parents should invest in counseling for you, not video games. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you; don’t die so young by having an aneurism over a fucking game.

WHEN PEOPLE GET FOOD ON MY FUCKING CONTROLLER
Yes, I get it, pal; you’re MLG, and you can’t get all the #360NoScopes or make sure your online friends get #FukinREKTm80 unless you’re breathing in Dorito dust, I get it. But for the love of God, if you’re gonna eat food before you use my controllers, don’t use them as FUCKING NAPKINS! The fedora you’re wearing looks like it can do a much better job of cleansing your hands of food crumbs than my console accessories can, or better yet, store the food in your scraggly neckbeard to save as a snack for later! There is a reason that paper towels exist you pig-fucker! Wiping food on someone’s controller is like taking a shit and then wiping your sweaty ass on the fucking bathroom door handle. Jesus Christ, are you so primitive that you don’t know the right way to CLEAN YOUR GREASY FUCKING MITTS?! Plague, I need to borrow your emergency kit. *guzzles vodka* AAAHHH, S’SOME GOOD SHIT.

Hey, fucker! Gimme my fucking kit back! *swipes back vodka bottle* Alright, well, vodka-theft aside, thanks so much for guest starring for a second time here on Furious Fridays! Now that you’re done, though, I’ve got some shit to rant about.

Fucking Metapod
Um bum dum de dum… Here I am walking through the Viridian Forest. La la la. Pikachu looks tired...man it’s dark in h-DOODOLOODOODOLOODOODOLOO...A WILD METAPOD APPEARED! FUCK...I'll try to run... *Cannot escape!* God damn it! Okay...Whatever. *Pikachu uses Thundershock!* zzzzzzzt...Metapod loses 3 HP. *Metapod used Harden!* You fucking son of a bitch cocoon asshole! God damn it!

Everyone who has played pokemon knows what I'm talking about. Metapod. Fucking Metapod. That green dickhead who looks like a moon never did anything except for make you waste like 10 minutes tapping A and get you so pissed off you feel like pulling a Bob Knight and throwing a chair at someone (or maybe choking out a basketball player, whatever's easier). There's no point in catching one either. If you catch one it doesn’t even know any goddamn attacks so what are you going to do, harden at someone until they die? I don’t think there's a Pokemon called Anna Nicole Smith so that’s probably not going to work. A fucking Caterpie is cooler than that chode muncher Metapod.

And while we’re on Pokemon, what the fuck Mr. Mime? Every single one of you is male. How do you reproduce? I don't know. What I do know, however, is that Agatha, that filthy old dry whore in the elite four who probably liked to get finger fucked by Professor Oak (get it, Oak, wood, boners?) is the biggest cunt of them all. She is the Kaiser Cunt. Fucking ghost Pokemon? It’s fucking impossible to kill them, how is my fucking Snorlax supposed to body slam water vapor or whatever the fuck they were made out of? Eventually I just had Articuno ice beam their shit but still. It was fucking annoying. Safari zone? Cool, there's Chanseys everywhere but I can't catch them because every time I throw those dumbfucks some bait, they run away, and if I did manage to chuck a poke ball at them I always fucking missed. I FUCKING MISSED! (Insert Wario’s “D’oh I missed” sound clip here.) Now let’s think about this fucking shit for a second. Those things were big as fuck, how are you going to miss something that's basically a short pink Gabriel Iglesias? I don't get it. I also don't get Ditto. He changes into the same thing as the other Pokemon you're fighting, except a shittier version. Transform yourself into a rare candy and then we'll talk, you over-glorified piece of already-been-chewed pink laffy taffy. Okay, enough rants about Pokemon, next topic!

Mario Party Advance
Being an avid Nintendo console player to this day, from the SNES all the way to the Wii U, I can honestly say that my favorite ongoing video game series is carried exclusively on Nintendo consoles. What series is this, you may ask? Why, it’s none other than the Mario Party series! Ah, the memories of star collecting, bowser spaces, a playable DK up until Mario Party 5, and ruined friendships. Good times. I have genuinely enjoyed every Mario Party game that I’ve ever played.

EXCEPT FOR THIS STUPID MOTHERFUCKER.

MARIO...PARTY...ADVANCE...

Let’s start out simple: Mario Party on the N64 got high praise, and rightly so. That game holds some of my favorite childhood memories, most notably when I threw my purple N64 controller against the wall so hard that I put a hole in the drywall, but I didn’t give a fuck because I was too busy being flaming pissed at the fact that I couldn’t get 100 percent accuracy on that one level where you had to basically perform plastic surgery on Bowser’s face. You know which one I’m talking about. Anyways, back to my main point: Mario Party on the N64 got such great reviews that Nintendo decided to make more money off the franchise by taking the next logical step: Making a sequel. As expected, Mario Party2 was amazing, and one of my favorite Mario Party games. The next year, they made another Mario Party. Again, as expected, ‘twas beautiful.

Then came the best fucking Mario Party game that there ever was, is, and will be: Mario Party 4. Jesus christ on a fucking pogo stick slathered in dorito dust, this game was the shit! I still play that game to this day, and I blow a hot sticky wad of cum in my jeans whenever I do. If you think that’s weird, then you obviously haven’t fucking played Mario Party 4, Anyways, yeah, another great installment to the Mario Party franchise. Then came Mario Party 5 and 6, which, again, as expected, got 5-star reviews across the globe.

Finally, after being six titles into the franchise, and balls deep inside every parent’s wallet, Nintendo took the next logical step, realizing that to make Mario Party even better, they should support it on their most recent mobile platform, which was the Gameboy Advance at the time. No flaw in that logic, they knew that as soon as Mario Party Advance came out on the shelves, every kid under 14 in America would be begging their parents to go buy it for them, which is exactly what happened.

Now, before I say this next part, keep in mind that up to this point, every single game has been up to par, sometimes exceeding expectations; Mario Party’s developers have hit their customers’ g-spots every single fucking time, spot on.

Nintendo had the perfect formula: Add a new playable character or feature with each title, make more punny-named mini-games, and we’ve got every preteen and elementary schooler standing in line at Gamestop for two hours with their parents, who are willing to dish out fifty bucks so they can get their kids to just shut the fuck up. There were no flaws in the Mario Party recipe. AND THEN THEY FUCKED IT ALL UP WITH THIS ONE FUCKING TITLE. Everything that Nintendo could’ve possibly done wrong when developing Mario Party Advance, they did wrong. Seriously, It’s like the developers were just doing a corporate circle jerk while they were spitballing ideas for this game. They devolved every good idea they’d ever had since pre-alpha builds for Mario Party 1. There were only FOUR CHARACTERS, less than there were in the first game, and let’s keep in mind that this is seven years after the Mario Party grandfather was made. SEVEN YEARS, and you’ve devolved far behind your FIRST GAME OF THE SERIES which was on a LAST-GENERATION CONSOLE. Let’s also keep in mind that Mario Party boards are always played with four players. This means that when you played Mario Party Advance, you always played with the same four characters.

Now, if a limited character selection was the only thing wrong with MPA, I wouldn’t really have a problem with it. Now let’s couple the shitty character selection with the fact that the game had NO MULTIPLAYER CAPABILITY. Let’s look at the title of the game for a second: Mario PARTY Advance. Who the fuck celebrates a party alone? Nobody. There’s no such thing as a one-man-party, that’s simply called alcoholism.

Actually, wait, Mario Party Fuckvance actually DID have multiplayer. Get this: when you bought the game, they gave you a piece of paper that was supposedly a replica of the in-game party board. No, I’m not making this up, they gave you a PIECE OF FUCKING PAPER, and you used your Gameboy as a dice roller. WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.

Fortunately, Nintendo learned from their mistakes and they never tried to deface the Mario Party franchise again with shitty installments, and for that I am grateful, because that means that I could shed a genuine tear when Satoru Iwata passed away. You did the world a great service by never making a shitstorm like Mario Party Advance again. Satoru, thank you for learning from the Mario Party development team’s horrible, unforgivable mistake that is Mario Party Advance, the Mario Party redheaded stepchild that should’ve been aborted upon conception. Yes, Satoru, you will always be in my heart when I think about the joy I felt when smashing my MPA cartridge against the floor and then bludgeoning it to plastic shards and electronic scrap with my schlong.

Well, that just about does it for this week’s rant! I hope you enjoyed it, and I’ll see you all next week for more ranting.

Deuces, guys!