Furious Fridays, Episode 2: October 9, 2015

Hello, everyone! Welcome to the episode two of Furious Fridays! If you don’t know what this series is about, it’s basically me talking about a bunch of shit that pisses me off. The goal of this weekly episodic blog is to cause a few laughs and vent about irritating crap. That being said, we have a surprise cameo appearance in this week’s blog by none other than my good friend and You Thought You Knew Canterlot High’s co-author, Ringmaster 1336! He’s gonna be sharing a few things that piss him off to start this week’s installment, so let’s not waste an time and see what annoyances are clawing at Ringmaster’s conscience!

Thank you, Plagueboy! It's great to be able to start things off for you, because let me tell you, I have a few things I need to rage about. And I think I'll start off my list with...

Facebook suggested friends
Yes, I may have made the mistake of friending my mom on Facebook, and it's bad enough that people can see that on my friend list. There is really no reason for you to punish me further, Facebook. I'm tired of getting requests from every last one of my elderly relatives that smell like week-old tuna fish and athlete's foot. No, I don't want to be Facebook friends with Grandma Crusty; God forbid she invites me to a Bible-cozy knitting party for all to see. And here's the worst fucking part; you can't say no to Grandma Crusty! You'll feel like a horrible person if you do. She felt so alone after Grandpa Coronary died from farting too hard in his sleep and shitting out all of his intestines while his favorite 50's soap opera played on his black and white TV with no working volume knob so it's always at full blast when you come to visit.

So anyway, you have to accept Grandma Crusty's invitation or run the risk of your moral alignment getting thrown off, and then karma comes in and makes sure you get struck by lightning on your dick five times in the same weekend. But THEN, everyone on Facebook finds out that you're going to a FUCKING BIBLE-COZY KNITTING PARTY, and you become more of a social outcast than Amy Winehouse after she went to rehab for the fucking umpteenth time. Nobody will talk to you anymore, but don't worry; it's not because you smell so strongly of whiskey that when people smell the air around you they have to take a breathalyzer test to make sure they're okay to drive. It's because you hang out with your Grandma Crusty, and all of her friends who happen to be intimidating elderly Russian woman who are all named Yolanda.

My point being; Up yours, Mark Zuckerberg. Please, for the love of God, don't allow any relatives over the age of 65 to use Facebook. I'm tired of seeing Great-Auntie Stockholm Von Cat-Lover making posts about how Fluffy, the stray she picked out of the trash and took under her flabby arm-wing while dumpster-diving at the record store for a copy of 'Dean Martin's Greatest Hits', keeps puking up hairballs.

When people don't put their Legos away
Now don't get me wrong, I'm a child at heart: I FUCKING LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF LEGOS. At least once a month, my inner 5-year-old with mild ADHD makes me fish the Legos out of the garage and build an epic house or some shit. Don't deny it, Legos are more fun than stabbing the prostitute you just got a blowjob from in GTA so you can get your money back in order to have enough cash to buy that grenade launcher so you can blow up her pimp’s house, but let me ask you something; have you ever been so unlucky to STEP ON A FUCKING LEGO?! Like, holy Jesus balls and tits on a pancake it FUCKING HURTS! I've had quite a few bumps and bruises in my life, but I'm fairly certain that I'd rather get shot in the stomach with a .22 rifle at point blank range than have to ever step on those plastic demon incarnates known as Legos again.

Do you wanna know what happens if you place a Lego in front of oncoming traffic on the freeway? It flips the first fucking car that rolls over it, and causes a 200 car pileup on the entirety of 680, and every single white-collar worker in the Bay Area gets a pay cut because of the delay it causes, so the husbands come home after work, pissed off about how shittily they are now getting paid, and they turn to liquor for comfort, so the wife gets mad, and they argue, and it wakes up little Billy, and little Billy goes downstairs to see what's going on, and Dad is so fed up that he screams at little Billy to go to his room or his XBox will get taken away. So little Billy cries in his room, and Mommy slaps Daddy, and says he's tearing the family apart, and she files for a divorce, and then LITTLE BILLY NEVER GETS TO SEE HIS DAD AGAIN, ALL BECAUSE SOME MOTHERFUCKER PUT A LEGO ON THE GODDAMN FREEWAY!

Never, ever, EVER leave your Legos out: they ruin lives.

When you get something stuck in your shoe
Don't even get me started on this. I specifically recall walking home from class about a week ago, and I was wearing fatigues that were tucked into some high-ankle boots (it was part of my costume for a drama performance) and about halfway through my walk, I feel something in my boot and IT FUCKING HURT. Not as bad as a Lego... *glares at box of Legos* but it still FUCKING HURT. So I sit on a bench nearby and while I'm taking my boot off, I'm thinking HOW THE FUCK DID WHATEVER THIS PIECE OF SHIT IS GET INTO MY FUCKING BOOT?! They are 11” combats, and I have my fatigues tucked into them! So anyway, I spend like 5 minutes getting my boot off, and I reach in to pull out what turns out to be nothing more than a FUCKING PEBBLE.

Now let that sink in for a moment; the human race is so primitive and inferior, that we let a PEBBLE take 5 whole minutes out of our entire day! But it's not actually our fault. See, I have a theory. There are little microscopic Satan-babies flying around and causing those little agonizing moments of getting shit stuck in our shoes by picking them up when nobody's looking, and dropping them into our shoes...

Well played Lucifer, Well played.

Anyway, that's it for me. Thanks again for having me, Plagueboy. Now, onto your topics for the week. Take it away, amigo!

Thanks so much for your guest appearance, Ringmaster! You’re hilarious, and it was a pleasure to have you on this week’s installment! Now that you’ve talked about some stuff that gets you peeved, though, I’m regaining a few vivid memories that I’d like to talk about.

Male friends who text like chicks
Fellow dudes, we all know these people. There's always at least one guy in your circle of friends that just sends random ass "emoticons" or whatever the fuck you want to call them when they are completely unnecessary. It’s like, alright bro I know you have a girlfriend but jesus fuck learn to differentiate between the tone of a message to her and one to me cause it’s weirding me out. Let me post for you a text I received the other day, from a male someone who will remain nameless for their own sake. "I talked to my mexican brothers & they get $12/square. You okay with that? =-?/=D" Now, I am going to ignore the slightly racist tone of the first part of the text and focus on the two smiley faces at the end separated by a /. I'm not even sure what =-? is supposed to be, maybe it’s like a "can I suck you off?" face. Which I wouldn't mind except the small detail of the person sending me this was of the male gender, and I am a heterosexual male. And despite what many closet homosexuals will tell their friends, getting your dick sucked by a guy is not only gay if you're the one sucking. It goes both ways (pun intended). So no thanks to that first smiley face pal. (Disclaimer: I have no problems with gay people, I’m just saying that I, myself, am not gay.) The second smiley is a little more straightforward, the classic =D. Now I'm not going to say for sure, but I'm about 90-95% sure that anyone who thinks that putting the D instead of a ) is cool shit is actually a fucking idiot. So there's that faux pas. On top of that, who the fuck even couples a racist joke, if you can even call it that, with fucking smileys, especially when one of those smileys implies that you want to perform fellatio on whoever you’re texting. That shit should not be discussed over a fucking text message, seriously, Big Brother is already jerking off in his NSA cubicle while watching two pre-teens sext each other, you don’t need to add another blowjob schematic to his fap material. Speaking of Big Brother, let's move on to the next topic:

The Man
As Jack Black so eloquently puts it, "The Man ruined the ozone, he's burning down the Amazon, and he kidnapped Shamu and put her in a chlorine tank! And there used to be a way to stick it to the Man. It was called rock 'n roll, but guess what, oh no, the Man ruined that, too, with a little thing called MTV!" I'm not 100% sure on the rock and roll part because I wasn't alive in 1969 when rock and roll actually mattered but he is right about the other stuff. Shamu? Raped in the ass by The Man. The ozone? Don't give a shit, but still probably fucked by The Man. The Man definitely came up with MTV, and The Man definitely puts shows like Teen Mom and shit on there. The Man told Rob Dyrdek to rip off Tosh.0 and quit doing Fantasy Factory episodes because The Man couldn't stand an actual decent show on MTV. The Man is in every pile of shit you step on in the grass, The Man is responsible every time your school runs out of chocolate milk and you have to drink regular. People always say that The Man holds them down. Bullshit. The Man does not simply hold anyone down. The Man wraps his greasy hands around your neck and forces your head underwater until you think you're going to pass out, but then The Man lets you up for air and you take a long deep breath only to find out that while you were under The Man ripped ass and now it smells like the inside of my 4 year old hiking boots. The Man stopped Kellog’s from making Wild Berry pop tarts, and The Man also got rid of Captain Crunch All Berries. The Man fishes with powerbait, and snags spawned out salmon for fun. The Man wrote the sequels to The Sandlot and The Man has funded every romantic comedy ever. The Man told people to wear shoelaces for belts. If The Man hasn't fucked you over yet, then you better die soon, cause it's only a matter of time before The Man catches up with you, bends you over, and blows a hot sticky load of fuck you all over your soul. Alright, I’m gonna stop talking about The Man before I get deported to Mexico or Cuba. Next topic!

Dentist appointments
Going to the dentist is probably on my top 3 least favorite things to do ever, alongside listening to middle-school boys talk about sports and pooping the day after drinking a 40. It’s such a fucking racket too, yeah thanks for making my goddamn gums bleed with your scalpel that has probably been inside 20-30 other mouths today. I really needed that. Some asshole out there is probably like “You just hate dentists cause you have shitt teeth.” Well the joke’s on you, I’ve never had a cavity. So you can fucking blow me you gap toothed fuckass. I would like to break down my most recent dentist visit for you guys because it was just so enjoyable, it’d be a crime not to talk about it *obvious sarcasm*.

My dentist is in Walnut Creek, I'm still on my parents' dental plan and shit so I have no say in this. Walnut Creek blows cock, driving in Walnut Creek blows cock, and when you add those to the fact that I am driving to somewhere in Walnut Creek I would hate no matter where it was, you can gather that I am sufficiently pissed the fuck off before I even walk in the doors. The building my dentist is in is a super fancy business building where everyone there except for me owns like 30 suits and drinks martinis to "wind down". So naturally when I walk in wearing my dirty knock-off reeboks, jeans, and my "I hope your parents like me" Funny or Die t-shirt I feel like everyone wants me to take the elevator to the top floor and jump the fuck off. But I don’t, so instead they just look at their briefcases in disgust.

I check in. The lady at the desk is having a great day, according to her enormous gloating smile and her tone of voice, which sounds like someone telling a death row inmate which way the electric chair is. I instantly start an inner monologue sarcastically agreeing with everything she says (Yeah I'd LOVE to fucking write my name on this paper. Sure you can have my goddamn driver's license, why the FUCK NOT, oh you want my orthodontist’s records too? FUCKING FANTASTIC). While I finish signing in I think of ways to slice her throat with the paper on the clipboard but I don't, on account of if I went to jail I would not get to play Fallout 4 when it comes out. She hands me a toothbrush and says I can go brush in the sink over there because it will be about 5 minutes until I’m called in. Except this lady has forgotten one minor detail, which is that EVERY NORMAL PERSON FUCKING BRUSHES THEIR TEETH BEFORE THEY GO TO THE DENTIST ANYWAYS.

I say hello to my dentist who I have known since I was 8 or so. He opens with the same knee slapper I have heard every goddamn time I go, "Hey tell your parents to stop feeding you, you’re growing too much har har har har hee". "Ha" I say, when really I want to say "I've been 6'5 for 3 fucking years now, and I’m 18 fucktard". Then the ordeal begins.

Dentist 1, who is a 45-50 year old male, sticks a weird mirror thing in my mouth and begins scratching the shit out of my enamel with a sharp metal object, which is precisely what he told me not to do every last time I’ve been here. Inevitably he fucks up a couple times and before long Dentist 2, a 25-30 year old female, has to stick a miniature plastic vacuum in my mouth and suck 95% of the moisture out, which includes lots of blood. This goes on for about 5 minutes but it feels like 30. Then it’s "one dentist leaves, the other dentist stays to make it awkward" time. The guy leaves and the chick sits there asking me weird questions like do you like football and how was your drive (shitty obviously this is Walnut Creek). I of course can't respond coherently on account of the plastic vacuum that’s still chilling in my mouth going HSSSSSHHSHFFFFFSHHHSHHHSSFSSSSSS and preventing me from forming any other sound besides OHSHHMMFMM. Dentist 2 nevertheless responds to everything I say like I am speaking normal words. Little does she know that I started just going OHSHHHMFFMMM a bunch and not even trying to make words about 4 visits ago. Then dentist 1 comes back and it's time for the coup de gras...

FLUORIDE… *shudders*

If there was ever a time I wanted to be a 3rd world child, it is now. They never have to taste the awful serum that is known as flavored fluoride. Faced with the harrowing choice of marshmallow, bubble gum, chocolate, banana, or mint, I have chosen marshmallow. Mainly because I haven't tried it before and I know all the other ones suck ass. I hold out as long as I can, trying to keep an open mind and a sound stomach, but alas, marshmallow is just a shitty as all the others. It may even be more shitty, because it ruins the taste of marshmallows for me for the next week or so. The stupid fucking mouth vacuum is still in my mouth and I'm trying to funnel this marshmallow garbage towards it to get this stupid shit done with but it still takes like 3 hours (aka 10 minutes in real time). Then finally the stupid thing is done and I get up to leave, which is freedom coupled with the worst thing about going to the dentist...

“OH, BY THE WAY, YOU CAN'T EAT ANYTHING FOR A GODDAMN HOUR YOU FUCKING FUCK”

Of course I have no cavities cause I am a capital B Bauss. Dentist 1 asks if I want to pick a toy, or maybe a mood ring, out of a drawer in the front. I say no thanks, on the grounds that I am not a 5 year old child. Before I completely get the fuck out of there though, I hear those 5 words I never want to hear from the receptionist..."We'll see you next time!" ugh… *shudders and guzzles vodka* I was hoping I wasn’t gonna need that this time… oh well… Next topic!

People who write blogs, especially rant blogs
Seriously, who the fuck are you, writing blogs? How dare you. Not to mention, get a job/life/friends. No one can write blogs and still be a functioning member of society. I surf the net and I see blogs like this everywhere. It’s complete bullshit! You would think that eventually, these people would get the hint and just shut the fuck up because obviously no one wants to listen to (read) their stupid fucking complaints. I read one this one time that was a guy complaining about complainers! The gall of some people. The worst is the ones who use big words to try and sound smart like "narcissistic" and "blumpkin". It’s like hey bro you're not fucking smart cause you know hella words, get over yourself. No Scripps Spelling Bee winner ever got laid I'm pretty sure, so what does that tell you? It’s especially lame when people go off on a tangent about things they like that no one else in the world gives a shit about, like extreme action snow sports, the WNBA or some other stupid crap. Fuck that shit. You know what else I hate? Overly sarcastic rants complaining about people who write overly sarcastic rants. Next topic.

Kids who ride BMX bikes
You guys on your bikes doing flippy whips and flair stalls are SO cool. Haha oops I thought today was "Say the exact opposite of what you mean" day. Now that I know that it isn't, can you fuck heads get a new fucking hobby? Don't give me any stupid shit about how it’s fucking hard or whatever because I'm sure it is hard to be really good and do a double backflip and shit like that, but it’s also probably really hard (oral sex pun) to be really good at sucking a dick. That does not, however mean that it’s super awesome to go around sucking dicks like they were fleshy push pops. I learned how to ride a bike when I was like 6 but then I moved on to cooler shit like taking dumps whilst facing backwards on the toilet. Hey man hop on my pegs and ride with me hehe we're so cool. Nope. You are a fuck head. Even better is when I see kids sitting on the handlebars of some other kids bike. I always think "eat shit eat shit eat shit eat shit" but they never do, it’s such a buzzkill. Thanks for chopping up the ledges too by the way, ledges are for skateboards. I can't count how many skate spots I have been to where the goddamn ledges look like Attila the Hun tried to butt fuck the concrete. Thanks a lot, BMX bikers! You fucked the skaters over by bringing Attila back from the grave and giving him copious amounts of viagra while near the concrete ledges you just grinded on with your overpriced pegs. Next topic!

The host from Minute To Win It
I did a little research and I guess this guy's name is actually Guy. Guy Fieri...Now, I'm going to pose a question to you and I want you to think real hard. Put your thinking pants on for this one. Have you ever met or heard about someone named "Guy" and not instantly wanted to push him off a freeway bridge? Preferably one that's over something more "concrete" than water? No you have not. Back to this Guy guy...I believe he was at one point some sort of cook, or chef, or whatever the fuck it is fat assholes who get paid to make a show about them watching other people make food all day call themselves. He looks like a pudgy more gay Lance Bass. What the fuck is up with that hair? Lance Bass is a huge homo and HE doesn't even frost his tips anymore. Get the fuck out of here with that shit. Not everything in the 90s was cool, unfortunately. His wikipedia page says that he got a Bachelor's degree in "Hospitality Management" from UNLV. Now, since it’s on wikipedia, I don’t know if that’s true; but if it is true, that basically means that he did nothing with his life while in college. He has also been in an Aflac commercial with that stupid fucking duck. If you are wondering why the duck sounds so fucking stupid yet familiar and its voice makes you want to end the life of any duck you ever see, it’s because Gilbert Gottfried is the voice of the duck. No, am I not making this up. That means Gilbert Gottfried and Guy fucking Fieri were in the same scene. Those two people combined have got to be stupider than Beaker from The Muppets. I don't give a fuck if Gilbert Gottfried was Zazu in Lion King, Zazu was a piece of shit nag who ruined everyone's fun all the time. Even when I was 6 I knew that he was a fucking buzzkill and I didn't want anything to do with him. Guy Fieri has also been in commercials for T.G.I. Friday's, which is about 3 notches above Applebee's on the "places I'd rather commit arson to than eat at" scale, and just to put that in perspective, Applebee's is pretty high up on that scale. Anyways, onto the last topic of the day:

Stupid, overused sayings
“Life is too short.” Is it though? How many things are you going to do that will last longer than the course of your life? Oh that's right fucking nothing. People say this to me when I don't feel like doing something retarded, like "Come on dude just shit on this guy's lawn with us. Life is too short." Well actually, IT'S REALLY NOT THAT FUCKING SHORT AND I FAIL TO SEE HOW TAKING A DUMP ON SOME FUCKHEAD'S GRASS IS GONNA MAKE IT GO BY ANY SLOWER.

“Don't bite off more than you can chew.” Is this even fucking possible? You can't take a bite of something WITH YOUR OWN MOUTH and then have said bite be more than you can chew WITH YOUR OWN MOUTH. Its simple fucking math people. If you can't chew it, it’s not gonna fit into your mouth in the first place (insert dick joke here).

“Have your cake and eat it too.” Okay, thanks? Does anyone ever come into possession of a cake without intending to also eat it? No one fucking goes around buying cakes to put on the wall for their cake collection.

Lastly, there are two sayings that I suppose make sense on their own, but so many cockfaces use them that I noticed they DON'T FUCKING MAKE ANY SENSE EXISTING IN THE SAME FUCKING WORLD TOGETHER, ESPECIALLY WHEN BOTH USED BY THE SAME FUCKING PERSON. If one of these is true then the other one can't be just by a simple process of logic.

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” This is what people say when they have to be away from their precious significant other that they cannot function for more than a day without, or when they have just watched The Notebook and are feeling philosophical. And by philosophical I mean they looked up myspace quotes online. By the way, who the fuck even uses myspace anymore?

“Out of sight, out of mind.” This is what dumb cunts say when they have just recently become single and they want to forget about their ex. If they can't see them, then obviously that means they are totally over him and are ready to mingle. (aka get plowed after a long night of drinking with a guy named Frank at a shitty bar and then cry on the taxi ride home in the morning)

One of these sayings has got to go. Either someone is gone and you don't miss them or they're gone and you miss them more. Seriously, it's fucking ridiculous. The shit people will say to make themselves feel better. Just stop and think about what you are saying before you say it and then you won't sound like a dumbfuck. You don’t need to say stupid shit like this to feel better, just know that you’re not a fucking imbecile and you’re a meaningful human being instead of getting stuck up on stupid sayings like this.

And that just about concludes this episode of Furious Fridays, I know it was a little longer than last episode, but I hope you still had time to read through it and get a good laugh. I would also like to say that most of the opinions expressed in this blog series are extremely harsh and crude, but these views are also extremely dramatized in order to create the sort of off-color humor that this blog series was intended for. I do not condone the dramatized views stated in this blog, they are meant for entertainment purposes only. That being said, I hope you enjoyed the second episode of Furious Fridays, and I’ll see you all next week for some more angry rants.

Deuces, guys!