Furious Fridays, Episode 1: October 2, 2015 · 10:56am Oct 2nd, 2015
Hello, everybody! Welcome to the first installment to a new (hopefully entertaining) blog series called Furious Fridays! I’ve been wanting to make this series for a long time, and finally I think I have enough content to make this a weekly thing, so we’re gonna kick this thing off with a few of my select favorite rants from my list of things that I hate with a burning passion! Just a warning, this series will contain A LOT of profanity, so if you don’t wanna see the word “fuck” four times in one sentence, then this is your chance to leave unscathed. If you could give a fuck less about harsh language, then you’ve come to right fucking place! Without further ado, I present to you the first installment of Furious Fridays; let’s get this thing started! First up on my list:
Frosted Mini Wheats
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! I CAN’T BELIEVE KELLOGG’S HASN’T FIXED THIS CRAP ALREADY; PUT THE GODDAMN SUGAR ON BOTH SIDES! If they did that, then the cereal would actually taste good, and wouldn't be like eating pubic hairs as brittle as fucking cardboard. Seriously, Kellogg’s, get your shit together!
Oh, yeah! While I’m on the topic of Mini Wheats, I’d also like to mention that the fucktards down at Kellog’s cereal R&D must’ve decided that it’d be a good idea to MAKE A FUCKING PUMPKIN SPICE FLAVORED MINI WHEATS CEREAL! Seriously, what the actual fuck? As if hunting white girls wasn’t easy enough already, I mean seriously; first the white girl pumpkin spice fad started with shitty, overpriced, overrated Starbucks lattes, then Oreos was like “We need to get in on this shit,” and THEY made a fucking pumpkin spice flavor oreo cookie, and NOW we have PUMPKIN SPICE CEREAL! What’s next, pumpkin spice flavored condoms? Ugh… That’s it, where’s my emergency kit… Ah, there it is! *guzzles vodka* Oh, I’m gonna need more of that shit to get through the rest of this blog, Jesus H. Christ… Well, before I die of alcohol poisoning, let’s move onto a different subject that probably irks me just as much. Let’s see, what’s next on my list of things that I fucking despise… Oh yeah:
People who don’t pick up their dog's shit
I occasionally go for a walk before school, flashback to about a month ago, it was one of those days. I'm walking along a frequented trail, when I hear that oh so familiar smush on my right foot. I look down in dismay at a clump of leaves and twigs held together by a glob of dog shit, squashed out of the side of my shoe, wrapping around towards the upper. Fuck. I have to be in class in 30 minutes. I don't have an extra pair of shoes. Now I get to do the stick scrape to get the main chunks off, and then wipe my shoe around in the grass for 15 minutes trying to get the remainder out from between the sole, the edge, and the upper. I wish I could take that dog shit, place it ever so lovingly in the dog owner’s mouth, and make them savor it -- sticks, leaves and all. Then I would take the shit-covered stick and check their prostate, less lovingly. JESUS FUCK, PEOPLE PICK UP YOUR PET’s SHIT! I’m a dog owner myself, and I at least have the decency to bring a doggie bag when I walk my golden retrievers, and on top of that, I use the doggie bag to pick up the shit, and I know it’s hard to believe, but if you can believe this, I actually THROW THE BAG IN THE TRASH INSTEAD OF LEAVING IT IN THE MIDDLE OF A TRAIL OR THE GODDAMN SIDEWALK LIKE AN INSENSITIVE PRICK! Wow, look, I’m being a decent human being with common fucking sense! Alright, I’m done talking about this shit. (Ha, puns!) Onto the next topic!
Dear iTunes,
You used to be my favorite music library. I installed you when I got my 16GB iPhone 5c and since you were so clean, so pretty, had so many useful features, I didn't search for a workaround. I kept you. I ID-tagged my whole library with you including neat covers and everything. Set up a nice and tidy folder for you to leech on. It was fun. Those were really good times but that was years ago. I can't even remember your last update which didn't make it worse. Your search and tag function now has one of the worst auto-fill features I have ever witnessed. It used to be fun integrating new albums into you but fuck that. It has become a drag because of you. Every update forces me to spend 15 minutes in the settings to revert all the useless shit you're forcing on me. And on top of that you're not even showing me the covers in the bottom-right corner anymore. The ones I spent so much time picking. You would probably argue that I can see a tiny version of them in the new sorting of the "My Music"-Tab. Yeah. let's not talk about that. Honestly, I probably shouldn't be so angry about this since you're just a software and there are tons of other good ones, but still. I liked you and you betrayed me. You gave in to the dirty fantasies of your developers. You really let yourself go, iTunes, you became bloated and ugly. I stood by your side hoping you would get better but you didn't even make an effort so there is only one thing left to say. Fuck you iTunes, you money-sucking whore!
Well, that certainly got my creative juices flowing *guzzles more vodka* Ah, good shit… alright, enough of this song and dance. (Puns!) Next topic!
Vaping
So, as most of you probably know, vaping has become somewhat of a fad, especially in California, and even more so in the Bay Area. Well, I happen to live in the Bay Area, and one day while I was waiting out in front of Diablo Valley College for a friend to pick me up so we could go grab lunch, some motherfucker next to me was hitting his vape pen pretty hard, and everything within a 10-yard radius of this fucker was beginning to smell like kiwi vape.
Now I know that it’s new, and we don’t have all the kinks worked out yet, and I respect the fact that there’s gonna be some flaws in the laws about vaping and shit, but WHO THE FUCK thinks that it’s acceptable to blow a fucking cloud of that kool-aid-flavor smoke shit in your face? Fucking hell, seriously, that should just be common sense! I don’t have anything against vaping, vape pens, or people who vape, at least when speaking broadly, but this one motherfucker, I just wanted to fucking rip that portable smoke machine out of his hands and shove it up his fucking ass, then hopefully he could blow rings of smoke into the back of his jeans rather than my fucking face. Alright, that’s enough of that, onto today’s final topic:
The word “flapjack”
What the hell is a 'flapjack'?? IT’S A FUCKING PANCAKE. Flapjack was just some jerk-off named Jack's idea to try and steal the thunder from this delicious breakfast classic. Is there anything that would differentiate a flapjack from a pancake? Let's think, what do you put on flapjacks, topping wise? SYRUP, the same exact syrup that you put on pancakes... THAT’S WHY IT’S CALLED PANCAKE SYRUP FUCKTARDS. Never once have I heard someone refer to it as "flapjack sauce" or “flapjack syrup.” You’d be better off calling it maple tree ejaculate, for Canada’s sake! Seriously, it’s a pancake, it’s made in a pan, it’s essentially a basic cake-ish recipe… hence, pancake! I understand that a flapjack has some kind of tie into the great North American pastime of lumberjacking, so I will make an exception, that if you are one of the remaining lumberjacks on the continent, fine, in your logging camp only, you may refer to them as flapjacks. Don't show up at my local pancake-serving Denny’s or IHOP, and start throwing out your douche-cunty lumberjacking slang, ESPECIALLY at motherfucking IHOP. International House Of Flapjacks? I think not, fuckface! It’s International House Of FUCKING PANCAKES, get it right!
And that’s about it for this week! I hope you enjoyed this installment of Furious Fridays, and be sure to stay tuned for next week’s rant! Also, if you’re interested, I’m going to be starting two new series next week called Mellow Mondays and Well-Informed Wednesdays. That being said, I hope this week’s installment gave you a good laugh, and I’ll see you later!
Deuces, guys!
I almost woke up my whole house from laughing too hard xD