Working with Whatever Works · 3:35am Sep 6th, 2015
Once again I shout into the void.
In my last blog post, I wrote about my frustrations with my mental stamina and how it tied to guilt about writing and my pace. Uni started soon after that, not helping at all.
Still, I seem to have found a solution to the problem. Or rather, I found a way to sidestep the problem entirely.
What locked me down wasn't just the energy that it took to write, but the intimidation factor that writing itself has, feeling unable to live up to my own standards and afraid of disappointing myself by burning myself out when I want to be productive.
Normally this would be the point where the dramatic music blares and an encouraging voice inside me (probably Shia Lebouf) yells to stop doubting myself and my efforts, to work hard and believe in myself, that I can reach the heights I dreamed of.
But that didn't happen. This is reality, after all.
So I threw up my hands and gave up.
I don't have the energy to be as productive as I want to be, and I don't have the fortitude to fight away my anxiety. I can't simply dive in and immerse myself in my words, to write solely for the sake for the sake of writing, to write solely for the joy of writing.
So I drastically lowered the bar, and learned to force myself to write.
Instead of sitting down and putting my nose to the grindstone for any respectable or dignified period of time, I broke it up, into several extremely small bursts of writing throughout the day.
100 to 200 words. A text message's worth.
"I'm gonna tire myself out..." "Just make it to 150"
"I don't have time..." "You have time to hit 100."
"This isn't turning out well..." "Just force yourself to 200 you can look at it later."
Of course, it's a strategy still beaten by "I don't feel like it." And in the end, I feel less productive than on days I'd wear myself out writing, as inconsistent as they were, and there's no way I could ever drag myself to professional levels with the pace I'm moving, but for now...
This feels good.
Giving into my worst habits, and moving with them instead of working through them, made working feel better.
I wonder what sort of morals the story of my life has... Part of me doubts that they are good ones...
Still, the next chapter of Wonderful Mechanical should hopefully be out in a day or two (or three), depending on how editing goes in this rhythm of work. Hopefully this new pattern will give me a better pace.
Maybe it'll help someone else. I guess that's why I'm writing this.
Or maybe it's because I like to hear the abyss' echo.
Well, I find that writing just a little bit every day keeps me from giving up. So I'd keep at it. You're doing good