On Depression 2 - The Feelsening.

This was the first time I wrote a description about depression

Depression is a solemn affair. It's quiet and introspective in nature, an utterly personal affair. Describing it rarely tells anyone what it's like. Could you, should you step into it, telling anyone about it will lessen its hold...but it will only last a short time.

Telling people, well, writing down what you feel is like relieving the itch of an ant bite. You scratch and scratch and you feel better whilst you do so but the itch always returns. People though...people are pretty standard, there's only a slight difference in their reactions: consoling, anger...silent understanding. More often than not, people will want to try to console you and depending on how far you've fallen it'll be everything...or it'll be nothing. Writing out your thoughts in the end is a purely selfish act and often you expect nobody to read what you've written. Like slicing open a boil, it's a relief.

"Here I am."

Here I am explaining what I've already said couldn't. How depression can be the numb rock-like feeling in your chest, how you'll be exhausted and lethargic every time it hits...how you'll slowly hate yourself a little more for every word you express. How you'll go insane and one day wake up with nothing but an emptiness where there once was warmth, all in the most physical metaphoric sense. You only ever feel things from your perspective, and every time you see someone write it all down you'll think: 'That's not quite right...'

'Here I am, looking out at everything in my world and I don't see anything beautiful,' because it's not as if everything is dead. Open spaces start to feel lonely, and the claustrophobic and dark spaces start to feel warm. And you're sitting in a closed you-niverse and every time someone calls you a faggot, a twat, almost anything unpleasant and degrading, you silently agree with them.

Depression really is a 'breaking' sense. The sound and sight of glass shattering on a black backdrop onto piles of the same, that it will be. And there isn't anything you can really do besides distract yourself. Depression isn't omnipresent...but it's there, waiting to come back in after all you've been through...and it doesn't take much to do so. A sound, a smell, a sight, and it can be anything.

It has to be waited through, or the reason has to be solved. Most of the depressed are the former rather than the latter...not in a place to break from chains holding them to their emotions. So you wait and you wait and you wait, till you either break... or you die. Depression doesn't really go away, after all. It's always there... with its hand enclosing your heart.