The Wayfarers by TheFictionAddict: Off to a Great Start, But I Wish I Knew Where It’s Going

The Wayfarers is one of those stories that could have made it big were it not for some small details. The characters are interesting, the conflicts realistic, and the writing, though not perfect, is very readable.

So far, Alabaster and his spirited companion Little Whisper have arrived in xenophobic Dodge Junction after a long trek. Alabaster was born to a gypsy tribe, though what that means in Equestria terms is anybody’s guess. Short-tempered and fond of liquor, Alabaster gets into trouble even before he enters the town proper. At the bar, we are introduced to Midnight Dreary, an amnesiac stallion who had wandered into Dodge Junction recently. Unfortunately Alabaster reveals that they are not from Equestria, and they are run out of town by the citizens of Dodge Junction on that very night.

The overarching story is revealed very slowly; a little too slowly, perhaps. We know that this takes place after Tirek’s brief reign of terror, and clearly things didn’t just go back to normal after his defeat. But what exactly is the political situation, and what do the three wayfarers have to do with it? The present lack of clarity might be a problem for some readers, but there’s enough substance here to keep you interested.

Alabaster’s relationship with Little Whisper deserves a note. The execution here is very good. In the first chapter we’re told that there is something strange about her. She doesn’t sweat. But we can’t be sure that she’s the changeling until Chapter 2. She has been feeding off Alabaster’s love for her, but what kind of love is it? It’s not very romantic; in fact, it seems that he is merely tolerating her most of the time. But he cares about what she thinks of him, and doesn’t like to see her angry. I think this relationship will become very interesting in as the story unfolds.

Though the story is excellent, the writing and formatting lacks some precision. It’s enough to be distracting, and I would say it’s enough to turn some readers away. Here are a few examples:

It wasn’t the unrelenting optimism that bugged him, but the fact that nothing seemed to faze her. Not the humid jungles with flesh eating flies, not the tropical storm that almost sank their boat, and not even the miles of wear and tear they were putting on their hooves. Instead, she hummed through the heavy humidity, made friends with the flies, and practically had a ball on the swaying ship, as if it were a rollercoaster. But I guess that was Little Whisper for you.

Where did the “I” come from? Generally, you shouldn’t throw in an “I” for no reason, unless you’re doing something with the narrator.

As Alabaster and Little Whisper strolled down the main street of the small town, they were given something of a wide birth.

That should be “wide berth”.

Before he even pushed through the swinging doors to enter, Little Whisper felt a spark of excitement that washed .

“That washed” looks like something left over from editing.

“We?” Alabaster seemed to beam in drunken pride.

Here Alabaster isn’t talking, so this line should be split into 2 paragraphs.

As it is, more attention to detail and consistency during editing would make this a much more welcoming story for new readers.

Comments

[TheFictionAddiction]

Sorry for the late response, I've been really busy lately. Thanks a lot for taking the time to review! I would like to say that I have gone back and corrected the mistakes you've pointed out. When I wrote the first three chapters, it was only me editing. Sadly, I am not surprised that some things managed to get through.

I am happy to say, however, that I now have an editor and a proofreader who both keep me well on track. The next chapters I update well be quite more one point! Also, I understand what you mean by a lack of direction. I was extremely eager to upload the story, as it was my first fimfic, and I think I uploaded it without too much meat to really hook a reader. However, it's done and I've learned from my mistake. Now I'm just trying to focus on making the story enjoyable and engaging. Hope you'll stick around, and if you do, I hope you like where it goes.

Thanks again, and I'll be sure to remember your advice!