What has been going on... · 9:12pm May 28th, 2015

Okay, I have to blog this. As you maybe (or maybe not) have noticed, I haven't been on or been writing anything for a while. Well I just wanted to tell you guys what has been happening and stuff.

For one about a week ago I had an examine, luckily I came up in English. So I hade some practise from here. But that really stressed me out. I was planning to get a chapter out in the weekend, but my mother took me on a trip to a hut. That has no internet or connection

Also my school has been having a theatre, I really wanted to do something important. But as usually I ended up behind the camera where no one can see me. I hate my stage fright, honestly it's almost as bad as Fluttershy as we have witness. maybe not that bad but almost.

I am also soon going to get a diagnosis, because I have been going on therapy. I believe I have a mental illness, I think it's "depression" But no one know it. So I'm scared of that, like what if I have something really bad? My depression is getting worse as well. In all honesty, I was really supposed to get help four years ago, but I didn't make it though since my mother (which is about 65% of why I have such a bad mental health) I didn't want to share this with her. Because she scared me for the longest time.

My mother is one of those who act before they think. And because of that she has been hitting, slapping and insulting me without knowing. And I can't fight back, mostly because she had a bad childhood herself. And she uses that against me. I am sad because of it. Luckily I have my dad, who... Just is there, he cares for me. But is really never there. He don't come to gatherings, he didn't appear at the theatre. Even if nether me or he cared, I really wanted him to be there. Just for moral support.

As I said, I was sitting behind the camera and there is three shows, each show last one hour. And that guy who was supposed to give me a break, just... He didn't come, he was busy hanging out with a friend.

But anyways, as I said. I guess next week I will be getting my diagnose. I want to know, but at the same time I don't. I want to know what I can do to prevent stuff, but when I finds out. I know I will be like, I will use it against me. I push myself almost over the cliff off death, I so many times want to kill myself. But... I don't... I keep telling myself "Keep being brave, be brave...." Because the braves thing I do is to keep living when I really want to die. I am one of those persons who thinks too much about others. That is a curse to me, I think so much about others that I look at myself as wasted space.

I was raised to take care of myself, I know when I need food, I know how to get money. But in heart, I don't know... People sometimes ask me. "What does depression feel like" Sometimes I just want to hit them, that is hurtful to say. "it's like drowning, but you can see everyone around breath" Can I say or "it's like losing someone close, but the sorrow is there to the day you die"

They also ask me why I want to kill myself, I usually answer with "I don't want to die, I want to end my pain." Many on my school actually look up to me, because I am so brave and strong. I don't even cut myself. I have been close, I have done it like over the sin to when I got numb. I have never drawn blood.

But I want to know something... What would you think of me if you found out I had a extremely bad mental illness? Because I don't know how I would react.

But This mostly why I have been gone for a while, and a little more.
Don't worry about my mom, I know I make her out to sound bad and I know this might raise someone's guard but don't. I can deal with it a little time longer.

Sorry about the outburst, I really needed to get it out.

~Green Fire

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