Follower Reviews: Tangerine Blast's Life Fire · 8:53pm May 21st, 2015

What happens when Bluegrass is bored and may or may not be procrastinating on Slow Fade? Reviews, that's what!

Yeah, I kind of have the attention span of a juvenile squirrel, so I chose another short.

Anywho, yes, let's get on to the review, shall we?

I discovered this little guy by Tangerine Blast and knew I had to at least check it out. I'm kind of a Braeburn x Strongheart shipper . . . Plus it was really short! XD

I'll start with mechanics and move from there. I couldn't find many mechanics errors. Most I noticed were missing commas. I don't normally start with grammar, but heck, I've already got out the pen. Corrections in red.

“I wouldn’t count me out just yet,” Little Strongheart replied

“I may not look like all that much, but I’ve bested some of the strongest Buffalo in my tribe.”

If nothing else, her smirk got bigger.

So, yeah, really minor stuff that doesn't really affect the readability, I just wanted to point it out.

Okay, on to the plot. I love how Tangerine takes a simple prompt like a dramatized version of how Braeburn broke his leg and turned it into a genuinely engaging short. Though she (or he, sorry don't know) writes it from Braeburn's melodramatic perspective, little details are slipped in to show just how ridiculous the contest is. My favorite of those being the marshmellow kids donating a cute sticker to the winner. Super funny!

This author knows how to do characterization. You feel like you're in Braeburn's head from start to finish, and the entire situation, though ridiculous is completely believable. I have to say that I ADORE the inner monologue here with Braeburn. For a highly subjective author like myself, it works wonders. Can't get enough of the side commentary.

One problem I noticed was the author changing the mood of the narration for the sake of exposition. Like this bit,

Basically, the two were going to hoofwrassle and the winner got unlimited bragging rights and a sticker that the marshmallow roasting kids thought looked cute.

It feels like Tangerine's putting aside the theatrics for the audience's sake. It's not wrong per say, but it throws off the mood of the entire fic. This is in Braeburn's perspective, so why not keep it in Braeburn's perspective? Something like this maybe,

It all came down to this. A single hoofwrestle to settle the score once and for all. The victor receiving unlimited bragging rights. Even the marshmallow kids took it seriously, donating a cute sticker for the cause.

If you want to keep up the feeling that Braeburn's being over-dramatic, you want to make the narration itself dramatic. That's my two bits.

Guess it's time to address the elephant in the room. Throughout this fic, Tangerine uses the word "fire" a lot. Literal fire's, individual fires, emotional fires, tension fires, and the list goes on. Now, I'm all for symbolism, especially in purposely theatrical pieces like this. However, this is going a touch too far. It's not wrong per-say, but it does detract from the professionalism of the story.

A way to conjure up the imagery of fire is to repeat the word plenty of times as done in this story. And yet, the better, more professional approach is to avoid that word at all costs. WAH? Yes, avoid that word at all costs, at least until the very end. Instead, build up the tension by using words and phrases that conjure up the idea of fire. Don't even use synonyms, but instead challenge yourself to think of other ways of describing a fire.

For instance, this bit . . .

The feeling of fire was present, however. The soft murmur of voices, the gentle shuffle of bets being hoofed from one to another, the anticipation for what was coming all flowed together to create a dull roar that burned Braeburn’s ears. It caused a small spark of pride in his chest, knowing that the roar was there for and because of him.

Could be re-written like this,

All around them, the prairie held its breath, as if waiting for an approaching storm. The soft murmur of voices, the idle shuffling of bets hooofed between the bystanders, and the almost tangible anticipation flowed together to create a roar in Braeburn's ears to rival even the rapids. A fierce pride flickered in his chest at the realization that this was all for him.

Something like that. You see, it's not so much what words you use, but what connotations those words have. If that makes sense . . .

One last bit before I go.

Thankfully, while this smoke like hanging did involve the chartreuse stallion,

I have no idea what you were trying to say here. I think it's a typo or something. Might want to take a look at that.

Allrighty, I think I've rambled enough about this fic. This is a really well done little short that is not only engaging, but genuinely enjoyable. Guys and gals, it's only about 1k words. You have no excuse not to check this bad boy out! Go on and give it some love, this story deserves it.

Until next time,

— Bluegrass

Report Bluegrass Brooke · 133 views ·

Comments ( 7 )