28 years now. Still got a bit until I hit the truly scary 30! Don't really have anything big planned for my birthday. Been playing iRacing and then tonight I'm having dinner with my dad, so that'll be nice.
And also I feel like I should get in the habit of blogging a bit more. It's been a while.Depression · 4:31pm May 15th, 2015
Yeah, most of you didn't know, but I've been depressed for some time. That's the thing though. I'm an excellent liar. I only let people know what I want them to know. I create the facade that I'm fine, when it's really the opposite. I remember someone said somewhere, "depression doesn't take away one's happiness, but one's desire to be happy." That's where I feel like I'm at right now. That happiness is not something I can attain, so I don't bother to try. I feel like I'm destined to work for the rest of my life, never making any sort of meaningful impact. The only real joy I get out of life anymore is writing stories. Being able to escape my life, if only for a moment, and create a world that I control. I have no friends in the real world. I don't go anywhere, I don't do anything. Fear is a powerful enemy. So, I just sit inside reading and writing.
It's been a long time. 12/19/11. It's been over three years since my mom died. And yet, I feel like there's still a part of me that hasn't moved on. She helped motivate and encourage me in a way my dad never could. I'm a mere shadow of who I once was. I got over her death, or at least tried to, by myself. I had no friends to cheer me up or talk to. Only me. But it's my fault. All my life I've kept my distance from people. I always stayed in the shadows, where I felt safe. It's a lonely life I live, but I can't find the strength to change.
Wow. This was a lot longer than I intended it to be. I spent a while debating whether or not to even post this, if I wanted you all to know. For those of you wondering, I have not had the time to search for a therapist. I've been bogged down with finals and I only just finished yesterday. I'll begin my search sometime this weekend. God, now that I think about it, I have absolutely no plans or anything to do for the next three months. It looks like I'll have a lot of time to write. I guess that's something.
