School And Some Depression... · 2:05am May 12th, 2015
Now, when you see the word 'depression', please don't take it completely like I'm going to jump off the roof of a building. OK, so if you don't know, my school life has gotta be my worst time ever. Honestly, I never thought that would be something I'd ever say. And it's got nothing to do with bad grades, cause I'm damn smart, as I've gotten honor rolls from my school (and soon going to get an academic award for never being absent!
). But literally, it's about people. People very much annoy me at the school. Nothing wrong with the teachers, well, except for my STEM teach, but it's the students that piss me off. All of them. Now, it may just be me being in some pisspot attitude of some sort, like only caring about myself, but here's how I can explain it. Back then, I enjoyed kids around me. Everyone was coolio, except for some douches then and there, but as I entered 8th grade, my grade now, things started going downhill.
I started getting this feeling that I am just being a joke at the school. Like no one cares. Like they'll be all joking around me in a prickish way, like I don't have a clear example, but it's like they'll be stupid around me and seem to try to tick me off easy, and I surely have a short temper. And I feel like they use it on me or something. They'll tick me and I'll be like, "Screw off, dude." But they'll laugh and be like, "I'm kidding, man." And here's a thing: When I'm at my locker, my stupid neighbor will be like, "So, ya mad, Travis?" Like they see me as a pissed off squib. And they'll make me do these things, they'll throw stuff at me, like a stupid, small, wet paper, and I'll get ticked off. Trust me, I'm a nice and cool guy, but I feel teased and picked on. Bus kids in the back, which most of them are retards, will try to act 'cool' when really they make themselves an ass. I know they pick on me in the back when I'm not listening or there, considering they think I'm probably a pussy for telling on them twice about their stupid swearing and crap. Hears a thing, too. I have autism, and I feel pretty stupid.
Like my face, it looks stupid and weak, and my voice, deep and horrible sounding to me. I feel like my singing is bad. And speaking of singing, people often tell me to sing when I sing out, but I feel like they think it's terrible by the way the tone sounds.
Popular girls are sluts and horrible, they are completely stupid. Hell, I fell in love with a lot of them, went for them, and failed. Miserably. I feel like an embarrassment and often feel weird. Yeah, I'm a hopeless romance.
And here's where depression hits, at times, I'll have thoughts. Just... strange thoughts. Of perhaps almost committing suicide like on a video, or maybe saving someone from committing suicide, like a girl I really like. Or I'll have a thought of being in a school lockdown, and I'll either be the hero, fighting and killing the intruders, or being the enemy, killing the everyone... It's really dark and it scares me. I'll even act it out sometimes when I'm alone in my room. Like it's strange. Sometimes when I'm sleeping in bed, I'll pretend I'm making out with some girl I like as if I'm a hot teen. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?! I'll sometimes have a brutal thought of punching some kid I hate *cough*populardouche*cough*, or just being applauded when I sing at a talent show, which I'll never do probably. I believe my voice sucks, but then people say it's good. I don't know. I thought of one time just having a girl I really like get shot in a lockdown, and I'll hit the shooter, take him down and get his gun, and start bashing the crap out of him with all my anger. It's really terrifying.
No, I'm not slitting a wrist, not hanging myself, not holding a gun to my head, but here's another thing: whenever I make a thing where I'll act like I wanna take suicide, people laugh. They laugh. Like I'm not gonna do it. One time I got pretty ticked and I said, "Hey, wanna know what I wish I had for lunch? Three pills, a shot glass, and some alcohol." And they laughed. Ha ha ha...
I don't know... Is this just me? Am I crazy in depression, or is it just my stupid attitude and thinking? Am I even confusing you?
And plus, I tagged this to this story because it was my most popular and I wanted some people to get this. Sorry if I scared any of ya or wasted your time...
dude, first of all you're not crazy. these thoughts you are having are probably some suppressed feelings mixing with your hormones. trust me I've been there, you'll get through it. and you said you're in eighth grade right?, believe me it gets better and come the time you'll get to high school the flood gates will open and you'll be plunged into a world of opportunity, good and bad. but i guess what i'm trying to say is that you have to learn to keep a level head and take the good with the bad. because douches like those kids aren't going to survive long in high school but kids like you will go far in those four years. stay strong
You and I have many similar opinions of ourselves compared the school environment especially the popular girls being like sluts, our voices being deep (though I like mine deep) how were annoyed by peers among other things, it could be both depression and your hormones just F*cking with you. I feel alone and that no one cares about me too but as long as you have people who you act yourself around and they're not a douche about it you would feel amazing but if you don't, just remember that you have so much to see in your future and to not ruin by throwing your life or anyone elses' away, what I'm trying to say is Stay strong and don't don't let some egotistical douche bags drag you down to their level or worse, climb over those obstetricals and live your life to the fullest. (I apologize if any of this doesn't make sense)
I usually never post comments on anything on this website, but seeing your post got to me. When I was in middle school I went throught a lot of similar things and have even struggled with clinical depression for most of my life. I'm a college student now, and I can definitely tell you that it'll get better. Just keep your head up, surround yourself by your loved ones and even this brony community, and take it one day at a time.
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I agree with you.