Cannot escape · 4:42pm May 10th, 2015
I wanna die so badly. But I know that won't end my torment. What will killing myself do but earn me a free 1-way to hell? I'm already in hell, and I don't want to hurt my parents. I'm about to graduate and I've already caused them enough grief.
My ideas are scorned and mocked. No one truly loves me. My parents see me as a luxury item. I am of no practical use to them. My teachers see me as a good student. Nothing more. Most anyone can be a good student. Friends see me as an interesting character to entertain themselves with. A girlfriend? I keep thinking that would be the solution to all my sadness issues. I keep insisting my desire for one despite how immensely selfish it is. I would only weigh her down- like a parasite of emotional support.
I am incapable of being around other people. I am psychotic. Little noises bother me so much that I have to leave the room. I went to a K-12 school and am about to depart from a group of life-long allies- I can't call them friends. I've been a terrible friend to them all, hiding my face and scowling because the little noises that humans make bother me so much.
Off I'm about to go into a brave new world. They tell me that things will get better eventually. They told me that before I got out of 6th grade (upper elementary) and 8th grade (middle) and they tell me this again.
It's all a lie. I've surrounded myself with this hell I made, and I made sure I can't get out.
