Sunset Review Mini-Group: Dear Diary: Sunset Shimmer's Best Friend [Chapters 0-4] · 8:31pm Mar 7th, 2015
This is my first review for the Sunset Shimmer Review Mini-Group. Today's fic: Dear Diary: Sunset Shimmer's Best Friend by Piquo Pie. I read this story on 3/7/2015 which, at the time, consisted of 5 chapters at a length of 14,763 words.
I have a chain of consciousness stream below but I wanted to start with my overall impressions of the story. Some of the overall thoughts will be repeated in the chapter-by-chapter reviews.
Overall
Technical skills: You are good at writing. This is, honestly, not as common as it may seem. Sentences are well constructed, I never had to ponder the meaning of a word or phrase, and you are capable of painting scenes and conveying the theme of an interaction with ease. Didn't notice any spelling errors either, which may be you or your editor. :)
Character: Sunset is well drawn and has a very believable personality. Her reactions are genuine seeming and while she is occasionally a little removed from her own emotions, she at least acknowledges them honestly.
The rest of the cast are little more than ciphers at this point. This is probably a weakness, but it's not very obvious yet. They exhibit their 'known' qualities, but there isn't anything original happening with them. It would be a good idea to try and make sure they have lives outside of Sunset's. The shelter and the barn raising come up when it intersects directly with her life but they don't seem to have much agency when Sunset isn't around.
The bullies are largely a faceless mob with Snips and Snails as a late-arrival rallying point, but it's a little hard to know how to feel about what's going on and it's easy to think of the bullying as a force of nature rather than an actual collection of characters that could be dealt with through compassion (as happens in Chapter 3).
Story: I'm a little at a loss to know what to expect from this tale. Individual chapters have some goals that are quickly achieved for discarded for better ones, but, well, interesting stories are about setting up expectations and defying them. If you tell a person an exciting thing is going to happen, then it doesn't matter how exciting that thing ends up being, it is made lesser by the forewarning.
I would like to understand a bit more about the interim goals or at least give Sunset some more tangible end goals that we can be confident she is getting closer to rather than standing still. "Being a Better Pony" is far too vague to be compelling reading. "Being a Better Pony By Becoming A God" -- while silly -- is much more evocative. Find a way to embellish Sunsets goals a bit.
Overall, though, this isn't bad at all, and the fact that I have all these technical pointers means you have none of the basic issues that plague fanfiction. Good work, you can only get better from here.
Chapter 0
I like the Epistolary format.
"By the Holy Sun" implies something that I hope will become relevant later on. There is no obvious religion in the series and I'm curious what direction you're taking this.
Ah you've gone with the Sunset was on Earth for multiple 30-moon cycles explanation. It's the most logical approach to the continuity problem created in the EG movie. I simply ignored the conflict in my tales, but this probably the better approach.
And she says "Dear Lord" now. I'm curious if Sunset picked up these sayings on Earth or if you're creating a parallel to Christianity in Equestria. "Honest to the Sun" implies the latter.
Odd that she is imploring the Diary to intervene in her life, I wonder if she thinks/knows it will be transmitted back to Equestria.
Her writing here is a *bit* on the nose considering the rather short distance between her defeat and writing this. I'm surprised she would self-identify that 'negative emotions' were shielding her from seeing her bad choices. I would think this would manifest in some other form.
Again she's imploring the Diary to do things it can't. Is she waxing poetical or something else at play?
Chapter 1
Ooh, bullying. Yeah, this is in line with what I would expect High School students to do.
Five plus years later and she still says 'hoof' instead of hand?
Yay! Determined Fluttershy. I'm a fan.
Hmm, clever use of the Mane 6 as a bodyguard team, taken names and kicking butt (well, taking names anyway)!
Okay, endless bullying after bullying event is starting to get a little boring. I get it, she's at risk and the Mane 6 are more than capable of protecting her.
Chapter 2
Diary is getting a little bold there, sleeping with Sunset.
Oops, at the end of Day 6 you make a reference to eating ice cream then upgrade it to a quart. I think you probably meant to start by a pint of ice cream. Need to add that in to complete the pairing.
"Day 7 of being a complete screwup" is a nice touch.
Odd that she is stammering in her Diary, seems like there should be scribbles or strikethroughs or just showing the final revision.
Actually, as I read further I'm thinking you intended for strikethroughs to be there but for some reason they didn't make it into the story intact.
Wow, this is pretty brutal. Again, I think this is probably closer to what real life human boys would do, but this is still pretty monstrous for characters who were at worst inconvenienced. This almost makes it seems like Snips and Snails were the demons and Sunset actually restrained them.
Oh, okay so they are soulless now because of Sunset's actions in the EG movie? Is that persistent or have they partially recovered? Man, that's a morbid interpretation of the climax of EG.
This is starting to be rather evil. These bullies are at risk of murdering Sunset and her new friends.
Chapter 3
Back to "being a better person." I'm glad.
Okay, after four chapters I'm starting to feel a little like I'm being told and not shown. I realize that a real diary is a place for reflection, but as a story, this is starting to slightly drag. Maybe I if I was reading this weekly instead of all at once it would be less obvious, but... well, lets talk about the fundamentals:
Sunset is our main character, it is her 'story' we are seeing. Her story should have a goal and chapters should show us the progression of Sunset as she tries to reach her goal.
Her goal, as far as I can tell from the narrative, is to 'Be A Better Pony/Person.' Unfortunately, while that is an admirable direction, it's a little vague on the details. How do we know when she's achieved that goal? What are the milestones that we can rejoice with her when she reaches them? Occasionally she develops interim goals (cookie baking, ratting on bullies) but they last a very short period of time. It's hard to get really engaged with these goals because they're done before they've really solidified. Essentially, Sunset seems to bounce about from event to even and tries to find some pearl of wisdom in them.
Again, this isn't necessarily a bad thing for a character. In real life, people DO sort of do this. But for a story, there has to be an interesting conflict with stakes that we both understand and are threatened by tangible forces. If Sunset's goal is never going to be more defined than it is, then you need another character or another strong goal to be the primary or A-Story so even while we await Sunset's slow development, we have something to interest us.
Okay, I've soapboxed enough for four chapters in. Lets see where things go from here.
I like the math based rationale for the Taking a Third Option trope. :)
She's still telling me her revelations when it would be more interesting to see her realize them. They're good revelations, I just wish they were more engaging.
The police officer really can't do a thing if you report someone and then drop the charges. In an interpersonal conflict that doesn't result in death, if the victim has no grievance, the police don't have much power.
Aaand, it's unlikely the police would really help Sunset face her attackers like this.
I'm skeptical of the 'honesty' of these apologies. Unless suddenly Friendship IS Magic again in the human world. :) Oh, if only all bullies could be talked down.
"I'm pretty good when it comes to mechanical things" ... wait, what? Since when?
Chapter 4
Interesting, she brings up the human/unicorn conflict. I guess before she was intentionally not letting herself replace certain words. It's a bit of an effort to do that, since language is one of those things you naturally adjust every day you use it, but if that was deliberate, well... like I said, it's interesting. I'd almost wish she'd have brought it up earlier. It at least illustrates an internal conflict rather than recites one.
Hrm. "Cute chinchilla." Well, to each her own.
Now, see, this confusion with Applejack is good showing and not telling in this format. Sunset's operating from the perspective that friendship is an exchange of equal support and doesn't comprehend the perspective of Applejack, who doesn't believe friends should be comparing notes on who helps out more. It's an excellent display of the dichotomy and isn't ruined by Sunset's summarizing.
I like this reaction to Applejack's kindness. It seems Sunset reacts more to individual expressions of friendship than group ones. Makes sense since she feels scorned by Celestia, an individual betrayal.
Ah, I see this heading the direction of the group diary Twilight had in Equestria. Not a pretty bad idea, actually. I like it.
