Rude critics (half-rage, half-humor, 90% explicit) · 8:02am Dec 30th, 2014
Well, mostly rage, but, anyway . . .
Looking at the comments sections of some low-rated stories on this site, I've seen an abundance of one of my absolute worst pet-peeves: critics who are complete assholes.
I'm not really posting this for any particular reason. I've just seen one too many incidents of "love and tolerance" gone wrong, and needed to vent. If you have the same cognitive dissonance with these people as I do, feel free to keep reading, and leave a comment if you like.
But if you are one of these people . . . . . run. Run now. I will be merciless.
RAGE MODE ACTIVATED
The Complete Assholes Collection includes, but is not limited to:
- The list-makers. These people not only list what's wrong with the story, but take extra time to number them 1 through whatever. Whoop-de-do, you can count. Good for you. Count the number of middle fingers I have.
- The drama queens. These are the people who, after reading the fic, act as if it injured or diseased them somehow. Many act as though the story they just read gave them a month left to live. Take a couple of lozenges and go to work, you obnoxious douchebag. No one's interested in your fake diagnosis.
- The word-killers. I call them this because there is no other way I can accurately describe the comments these people leave. Here are a few examples (taken from honest-to-God comments found on stories posted to this very site):
Sweet Celestia On A Tricycle!
SWEET HAIRLY TITS OF BABY JESUS
OH SWEET BABY MOSES WHY
By Celestia's sweet plot...Holy asstitties
Never mind that most of these people absolutely must use all caps (I'll get to you intellectual tree stumps in a minute, just you wait) and they all--ALL OF THEM!!--have to use the word 'sweet', but . . . . my God! They all seem to think they are Dr. Frankenstein, building a new monster out of the English language! Somebody relieve these people of their fingers before it's too late . . .
- The pyros. These are the people who insist on saying "Kill it with fire!" Hey, dickhead, I sincerely doubt your mommy allows you to play with matches.
- The spacemen. This special little offshoot of the pyros have their own little puke-inducing catchphrase: "Nuke it from orbit!" This group is much rarer, and thankfully so; not only is it worthy of a good thrashing, but I'm pretty sure its copyright infringement. 
- The MDs. These people insist that the story was so bad, it gave them cancer, ebola, or some other debilitating disease, or will even refer to the story itself as cancer. Wonderful. Some piss-stain with a keyboard thinks he's a doctor. Hey, titmouse! Come back with your doctorate, THEN talk about all the diseases you want.
- The shrinks. This is another offshoot, this one of the MDs. They seem to think they have the ability to point out mental retardation at a glance. Great! I would be more impressed, but if you really want to seek out the retards, start with a mirror, ass-clown.
- The trollhunters. These particularly skillful jackasses seek out trollfics, and ask legitimately if what they are reading is a trollfic. This year's Astounding Brickhead of the Year doesn't realize that if a story is going to be a trollfic, THE AUTHOR WILL LET YOU KNOW IN THE DESCRIPTION!!
- The quotemasters. You know, the guys who do this:
This is a pony story. I am the author. Please read it.
Normally, I would have no qualms with this kind of critic. It's an easy, efficient way to point out mistakes and other things that need attention. But I would love nothing more than to lock in a very small box ALL of the people who use 6 or 7 quotes in ONE GODDAMN COMMENT!! Why don't you just rewrite the damn story yourself! Jeez!!
- The grammar nazis. Again, I don't usually have a problem with them. After all, grammar, spelling and punctuation are not just important, they are vital. But the ones that rub me the wrong way are the one who feel superior about having pointed out several errors in a story about technicolor ponies. Like they feel they deserve the Nobel Prize in Literature. Or better yet, the ones who make the author feel like an inferior scumball for making said error. Please. Do us all a favor. Walk away. Far away.
- The Alicorn haters. These are the most common fanfiction pests on this site, or in the Brony community overall; in that sense, they're very much like roaches. Frankly, I don't see what the problem is. I haven't gotten a logical explanation yet. Sure, there are a lot of Alicorn OCs, but I'm pretty sure they don't carry the plague. Are you jealous? No? Is it included in the show? No? Does it ruin your headcanon? No? Then what is the fucking problem? "Wah-wah, red-and-black! Wah-wah-wah, overpowered! Wah-wah-wah, edgy! Wah-wah-wah!" Let me point out that, physically, Celestia has been virtually worthless in every conflict-heavy episode she's ever been in, and Twilight (originally a Unicorn) has saved the day more than any pony on the show, even before her ascent. Once that settles, go stuff yourself and your pissing and moaning in a bin, and don't bother me.
- The Caps Lock Squad. I admit, I'm guilty of this one too. Many of us are. Capitals are convenient for making your point plain, especially when there is no bold or italic option. But this site has those options, people. They are right here. Use them. I know you can. And if you use capitals on all of your comments, all the way through, I automatically classify you as an animal. The world already has the Kardashians, we don't need any more lazy attention whores.
And you'll notice that this point was made entirely without full caps. Get the picture? You do? THEN KNOCK IT OFF!!!
- The meme-lovers/GIF spreaders. These are particularly irksome on Facebook. The people who think a cute little picture with a caption will do all the talking for them. Oh, you clever little thing, you. You made a picture talk. Aren't you just a spectacular little bacterium? Tell you what. Try explaining what you're thinking and how you're feeling with actual words, and stop failing to be a clever little turd. Good for you?
And if you think a moving picture is cleverer or is exempt from the rule, please slap yourself in the face with a 2x4 and save me the trouble. Thank you.
- The emoticunts. In the same vein as the meme-humping crowd, these delightful little cretins-without-chromosomes seem to have invented their own language. A language made entirely out of this:
Please. Leave me alone.
- The YouTube boobs. The Aramis to the above Athos and Porthos, this set completes the musketeers of migraines for me. Whereas the above two love to masturbate to memes and emoticons, this pile of human refuse loves to have videos act more human than they do by speaking for them. Look, Tarantino, if I'd wanted to watch a video of Jim Carrey making "the most annoying sound in the world", I'd trust the Farrelly brothers with that. Not you.
- The one-liners. They think they are comedians in training, when they don't realize that, if they grabbed a microphone and walked up onto a stage, they would be shot. These guys only leave one- or two-word comments, like "It sucks", "Bad", "Noob", "Terrible", "Fail", "No", or my personal favorite, "Just no." Just no? Is that all? From your butthurt attitude, one might think you had more to say. Just no, huh? Well, if you insist, I'll just ask you to eat me.
- The interviewers. These are the opposite of the "one-liners" group I pointed out above. These socially-bankrupt morons feel the feel to find each other on the stories they bash (and the author's own page, no less!) and strike up a conversation about how awful the story is and how empty their lives are that they have to validate themselves through their shitty commentary. Just what I needed: a bunch of tasteless pseudo-literate lunatics who have to circle-jerk right on my story. Do your mutual pleasuring in real life like you always do and leave the fucking story (and the author) out of it. Thanks.
- The half-asses. I've had one or two of these on my stories. These hard-working fungi love to tell you that they didn't finish the story they are currently judging. Fantastic! You couldn't even get through Chapter 1, and you're already putting it down? Well, until you do finish the fucking chapter, your opinion is shit.
- The goldfish. I call them this because they seem to have a short memory span. I get that impression from the catchphrases some idiot told them was cool to use:
"Dafuq?", "WTF", "LOLWUT", and their crowning failure: "Dafuq did I just read?"
Well, you appear to be on FIMfiction.com., a website simply teeming with My Little Pony fanfiction. Since you are telling us that you just got through reading something, I'd say the odds are pretty good that you just read one of those said My Little Pony fanfics. If that's too much for your sushi-like brain to comprehend, please let me know; I'll be glad to dumb it down for you.
Well, I can see this probably went over the fishes' heads by now, so never mind these folks. Just let them look for Nemo in peace.
- The discouragers. I love these people. They remind me so much of the spineless slugs from my childhood. They read the story, dislike it, and instead of being supportive and encouraging the author to improve, insist they give up on the story, and in some cases, quit writing. Sure, you have them quit writing just as soon as you quit being a primate.
Oop, too late.
And finally . . .
- The death-wishers. These are the kings of vicious, unprofessional assholery. The ones who are so destroyed by a bad fanfic, they have to wish horrific things to happen not just to the story, but to the writer. Yes, these people actually post threats against the writer just for writing a story that isn't great. Foaming, incompetent bullies like them deserve a particularly warm spot in Hell.
If you know any more of these genetic cul-de-sacs, don't be afraid to comment and let me know which one of the toads I missed, so I can add it to the list of people who need radical brain surgery.
Okay, time to ride out the rage . . .
RAGE MODE DEACTIVATED
Anyway, thanks for reading yet another War and Peace-length post. As I said, go ahead and leave a comment if you agree with any of these, but if you are one of the people I outlined and didn't heed my warning, I apologize. It had to be said. It just had to be. 
Thanks again for reading, and remember: love and tolerate, people!
You've earned a lot of respect from me. Also, I think I fit into a couple of those groups. Yeah, The List Makers, The Quotemasters, The Meme-lovers, and finally, the YouTube Boobs. Sort of.
- The List Makers: I occasionally ask the author if he knew that the things listed made his story bad.
- The Quotemasters: Occassionally, again, I'll see an otherwise perfect story and point out the five to eight errors I saw. Because they stood out like a sore thumb.
- The Meme-lovers: Now, I don't just leave only the meme, I leave an explanation for why it's there, or have it in the middle of my comment. Does that count?
- The YouTube Boobs: Only once have I left a video as my entire comment. And that would be on one of Black Night's blogs, when a user was describing his OC to him and calling it their own, while he was completely unaware. They even said, "Ours should be twins." To which I replied,
Anyway, I assume that GIFs would be categorized as a meme, sort of, but what about the users who start talking to other users and fill up the entire comments wall. I'm guilty of this, too. Have you seen Black Night's user page, lately?
2688028
^^ This makes me feel good.
I suppose the GIF users count under the meme group. I'll go back and add them anyway, though. I've seen the whole "conversation" thing on stories and user pages, and yes, they bug the shit out of me, too. I'll add those folks, too. I've actually seen a bit of your confrontation with Black Night; admittedly, I was on his side at first, because I thought you were being a little too rude to him. Then I saw his comments about being a homophobic atheist-hater. Needless to say, I'm not in his corner after that.
Quick question: can you see the emojis I put into this? They don't seem to be showing up for me.
2688069 Yes, I can. And did you mean my "confrontation" on his user page, his blogs, or his story?
2688079 A little of all of them. Like I said, I wanted to stick up for him a little, but then he decided he hated gays and atheists. I'm a gay-supporting atheist. So I was like,
"Yeah, we'll have none of that."
2688087 Well, no more of that! The little bugger blocked me! And all because ThunderWonder and I essentially wrecked his user page. Wait, I have an alt account, don't I? This should be fun.
Also, it was the homophobia that turned you against him? Not the fact that he called anyone who asked his age a pedophilia, he was 13 and called anyone who blocked him from groups a "fucking cuntil", do pardon the vulgarity, and his various other offenses? If you look at my original comment, I think he deleted it, I was trying to help him improve. Then he showed his true colors.
2688093 I tried to give him a chance. I really did. But the gay-bashing was the final straw for me.
At this point, it would probably be a good idea to let it go. He obviously refuses to improve, so let him stew in his own waste and figure it all out on his own. No need to poke the animal in the cage any longer.
As long as you pardon everything you just read on this blog.
2688104 Whatever you say. Oh, yeah and should I hang onto this pictures I have of our conversation?
i.imgur.com/GSBtPvo.jpg
i.imgur.com/XaAdP7c.jpg
i.imgur.com/XV98Epg.jpg
i.imgur.com/YFu7PtG.jpg
i.imgur.com/Bd1BzjV.jpg
i.imgur.com/eBPqIKq.jpg
2688112 Well, if you're worried about any rules you might have broken, I don't see any. Close, but not quite. Anyway, they're your pics; do what you like with 'em.
Just don't spam with them. That gets annoying.
2688117 That does get annoying. Anyway, nice talking with you.
2688123 You too. And thanks for reading.
This blog is a giant list. You're not doing yourself any favors.
Not only are you listing what you don't like about X, Y, and Z like the people you're complaining about are doing, you're stooping to their level by making an arguably erroneous post largely influenced by your "Rage Mode" than logic and common sense.
In retrospect, it's funny.
2901410 First of all, I think you'll find that I mentioned numbers in that particular section. You don't see any numbers in this list, do you?
Second, this list isn't about just random hate. This list is about shaming people who criticize for the sake of being smug, asinine phonies posing as clever people, and not for the sake of helping people improve at their writing and encouraging them to do better.
Why can't I do that and vent at the same time? It's a big problem, and it needs major attention. I'm only glad that you paid attention, if just to counter-counter-criticize (which, I don't even know why you'd bother making it that difficult).
That being said, I'm glad you still found it humorous. Have a nice day.
Well then... I guess you aren't fond of my use of quotes, videos, pictures, or lists.