12/27 · 11:02am Dec 27th, 2014
Today might be my lucky break. Someone asked if there was a way that someone might help him with his idea for a YH&Y-verse story. We have just started consulting on the plot and I'm feeling optimistic for the first time in months. I almost actually smiled when not caught up in random laughter- like a genuine smile of happiness. It's quite a rarity for that to happen to me.
On Christmas eve, I was a wreck behind a faczade. I feel extremely lonely & frustrated with myself. I have a burning desire for love, probably seeking it as a coping mechanism for my depression. I am under the delusion that finding a girl to cuddle with a night will wash all my problems away. I'm in my senior year at highschool, and I'm going to college after the summer. I've never had a job, I don't know how to take care of myself, and I'm too suicidal to be independent. If I didn't have my family to occasionally keep me company, even though I tend not to hang around them for differing interests, keeping in my room while they're all in the den watching football, I would have committed suicide this Christmas.
I know that getting a girlfriend is trouble that its worth; I know that the only two girls that I've ever asked out put me down gently (please, girls, just say you have someone else; don't get my hopes up) and that I am too much of a pussy to ask others out; I know that she's not going to make me better than I feel right now; I know that she'd probably dump me because I constitute more than I'm worth in emotional baggage. It's a stupid, shameful thing that I can't get rid of, this obsession that I have. I frequently wish that I were asexual, and never had any desire at all.
This fixation is dangerous for me, and makes me feel lonelier that I should be. Upon seeing this
I almost burst into tears, with the desire to be wanted, desired, needed. The looks of desire on those pretty little faces burns me.
I just don't know what to do.
