Z Reviews: Double Feature Part 2: Children of the Moonprincess · 3:44am Dec 13th, 2014
This time's review will be Children of the Moonprincess, authored by Calmsoul, reviewed by me, TheifofZ. If you like this review, check my blog for other reviews, or follow this link to go to the post containing the mission statement and a list of all the stories I've reviewed so far.
As always, here's how I'll be doing this; First I'll cover the story idea, and writing style and quality of the story. Next, I'll look at the actual story itself, including character motivation, action (if the story has any), and the general plot. Finally, I'll throw down my egotistical and opinionated rating, declaring exactly how good, or bad, I thought this was. And yes, I will do my best to avoid spoilers for the plot IF POSSIBLE. If the spoiled events are integral to the story, I'll throw down spoiler warnings instead, and ask that you proceed with caution. Always remember, folks. This is all opinion. Disagree with me? Think I'm dead wrong, or spot on? Argue about it in the comments if you want. It's cool. Noone has a truly humble opinion, after all, but make sure you read the review first.
With all that out of the way, here we go!
So there's this general story idea that's been lingering in the collective Fandom Hivemind for awhile, I've noticed. The whole... Children of the Moon thing, really. And it's a really touching, and somewhat heart-rending idea about Luna, and some of the things she did, and how she felt and so on. Personally, I think it's both touching and sad, and it's really cool that so many of us entertain the idea. Well, Children of the Moonprincess is Calmsoul's take on that idea, and an exploration of the potential methods of execution as well as the repercussions such an act could have. To be honest, the writing openly shows a lack of a firm grasp of English by the author, as many sentences are awkwardly phrased, and many figures of speech are incorrectly used, though the grammar, spelling, and sentence structure are impeccable. (Major props to the proofreader for that.) Building on that, the story itself is often full of issues that can jar the reader from their immersion, and the flaws kept me from getting lost in the tale.
The story follows Luna as she begins to re-integrate into Equestrian Society, and attempts to delve into her emotions and thoughts behind her actions during this time, right up until specific events lead her to remembering a small colony she set up on the moon with a strange time dilation spell on it, meaning that all the ponies living in the colony are still fairly young, at best into young adulthood. The story tends to rush between moods and ideas, jumping around in a jarring fashion that left me confused on whether I should be feeling concern, joy, or some other emotion, or mix thereof. The characters actions and thoughts are similarly mercurial, as scenes are often not explored or developed in any real depth before the next point must come up. While Luna's character, as well as Celestia's, are both fairly solid, the only reason Luna's is so well developed is the fact that the story follows her thought processes almost exclusively, and there are times when the rush between scenes is blurred further by a focus on what Luna is feeling at the time. To further weaken the overall cohesion of the story, several times the author interrupts the story to bring up historical points or other tidbits of information. While I'm all in favour of worldbuilding, if it's awkwardly interjected into a scene, it's easy for a reader to lose track of the flow of the story, and several times I found I had to re-read a paragraph to figure out exactly who was doing what, and where it had shifted from story to exposition.
Overall... I give this story 6 out of 10 moustaches, and 3.5 out of 5 Alicorns... (It would be Lunas, but apparently FiMfiction doesn't have emotes for her.)
Any opinions or major points you'd like to make go in the comments below. Advice, Major Corrections, story suggestions, and fan mail can be PM'd to me. ... if I ever get fans. HAH!
Final Note: It's a really cool idea, and I do like the story, but the execution really needs work. ... Not that that's ever stopped me before, but, hey. Keep working at it, and I'll look forward to the future. Not even I am perfect, and all that.
I just had to point that out, sorry. No offense towards you, but... That part just cracked me up. Either fix this typo, or add more, you can't leave it like this, can you?
2652318
Uhm. Hmm.. I... What typo? 
I may be losing it, but I see NOZINK! ... Seriously. That looks like an error free sentence to me. I am confuzzled.
No offense taken though; I will never pretend to be perfect. Except for April First. And Halloween if I dress up as God. ... And every third saturday of the month, for exactly 3 minutes of the day. But that one isn't really pretending.
English, as well as other languages, is normally written with a capital letter. As far as I'm aware, it's grammar-required. So it should ahve been "lack of a firm grasp of English".
2652407 Okay, no, you're right. That's my personal bad habit coming through there. Usually I'm better about it, but it still slips out sometimes.
(I have 2 terrible writing habits that carry over typing. Erratic, and lazy, capitalization that wanders through my sentences, and the terrible habit of adding the letter "E" to the end of many words.)
And now it's fixed. So there.