Story Reviews - Round 1 {Give them Shelter!} · 5:55pm Oct 13th, 2014

Rise From the Ashes: Book 1: Canterlot by Sparklecat

Based off a roleplay with Frigg-Fluff from deviantart.
NOTE: There won't be much gore except in fight scenes, you have been warned.
When six kingdoms are broken up by a past war that nearly destroyed them all, all hope and any bits of friendship remain shattered. A small group bands together to restore order and bring together the kingdoms once more to overcome one of the biggest threats that Equestria has seen.

First Impressions: The concept overall seems unique and creative. I also liked the "Shattered Peace" concept that the image brought to the plate.

Grammar & Spelling: It wasn't good, but it wasn't bad. There was a fair amount of incorrect comma usage, shifting of tense mid-sentence, and incorrect semicolon usage so I reccomend either PaperRater (which is free and requires no dowload) or Grammarly (Requires a download and has a fee, but in my experience is more thorough) to proofread or get a good editor. In fact, you can avoid the former three by reading the grammar section of Ezn's Guide and thoroughly reading through each chapter, although a few mistakes tend to slip out in this method. 2.5/5

Storyflow: There were several scenes where you were being too descriptive or not descriptive enough. Try using a thesaurus to find different ways of saying the same thing - for instance instead of saying "'Hello,' said Twilight Sparkle" you could say "'Hi there!' Twilight Sparkle quipped cheerfully." See the difference? The story also tended to move a bit slowly at times - once again, lessen the verbatim where it needs. Around these mistakes, though, the story was overall enjoyable and the characters developed quite well. 3.5/5

Overall Grade: 6/10. Check this out! It may have some mistakes, but it's definitely worth your time.

"They're Not Touching You!" by JMac

This story is a sequel to Quizzical
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Quiz's friends are telling ghost stories around a campfire. When it's Quiz's turn she surprises everypony. She tells a story of her own.

First Impressions: Having read some of JMac's previous work on my other account, my expectations were rather high. The picture gave me a well-deserved laugh, most likely the first of many.

Grammar & Spelling: A few mistakes, but nothing too major. Some incorrect comma usage here and there - once again, try a round of PaperRater. 4/5

Storyflow: Was a bit fast-paced for my liking, I would've liked to hear Dinky and Scootaloo's stories. However, in other terms the story was very nice. It was very funny and created that great creepy feeling for Halloween. All in all, the quality of work I expected. 4.5/5.

Overall Grade: 8.5. Definitely worth a favorite or upvote! I also reccomend checking into his other stories - I'm a personal fan.

Gimme Shelter by Zyr1987

After her former coltfriend, one Prince Blueblood, kicks her out in the rain, Fleur de Lis is taken in by a dapper young stallion for the night. A dapper young stallion that happens to be on the road to being one of the most important members of the Canterlot nobility, and who seems to have taken a liking to her.
A very short tale of how Fancy and Fleur first met, all those years ago.

First Impressions: I was intrigued by the description and the picture made me feel a little twinge of sadness. Well done drawing the reader in.

Grammar & Spelling: A minor case of reccuring Lavender Unicorn Syndrome and a few cases where a comma needs to be placed, but other than that nothing too major. PAPERRATER, PEOPLE. 3.5/5

Storyflow: It was very sweet and moved along at a nice pace. Just the right amount of description. It takes a very talented writer to make someone take a face-heel turn on a character (I personally dislike Fancypants) and I can see you are that. 5/5.

Overall Grade: 8.5. Would be perfect if had better grammar.

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