Rookie Fanfic Writer, and is a doof. Nuff' said.
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Based off a roleplay with Frigg-Fluff from deviantart.
NOTE: There won't be much gore except in fight scenes.
When six kingdoms are broken up by a past war that nearly destroyed them all, all hope and any bits of friendship remain shattered. A small group bands together to restore order and bring together the kingdoms once more to overcome one of the biggest threats that Equestria has seen.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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was the luna republic there??
during the war??????
4939250
Afraid not actually.
I really like this story it's so AWESOME!
also... you kind of missed a word
you missed the word took
good luck on the next chapter can't wait to read!
4941056
I am also glad you are really enjoying the story so far! The next chapter may come out later today. 
Fixed, thanks for pointing that out to me!
Cool!
4943678 YAY ok cant wait! also your welcome!
AWESOME!
LOVE IT
5128489
Glad you do!
Will try to do a review of this. Later.
Looks quite promising, though!
5394759 Thank you! I do hope that you will enjoy this.
First, I'll do a grammar check, then I'll talk about storyline and characters.
Put a comma after Canterlot.
*seemed
Try "within" rather than "among". It sound like they're living WITH the walls.
"Hey, Fluttershy! How are you?"
"I'm fine. How are you today, Mr. Wall?"
"Oh, I'm doing great!"
*all threats, big or small
*no threat
*too tough or too dangerous
Try "straight" instead of "right". Maybe try giving a little more description, too: were they filled with eerie holes that oozed green goo? Or were they covered in menacing spikes, stained with all sorts of unmentionable fluids from clumsy or unfortunate passersby?
*threatening, as she cared for her subjects and her subjects alone.
*adopted a young changeling, a female named Quartz, and crowned her as princess of the changelings.
*limited diet, which lead to a poor economy, which in turn led to kingdom-wide desperation.
*Such desperation, in fact, drove the queen to launch
*After that, a peace treaty was called by Celestia to give them a fair amount of food, provided they refrain from assaults on Equestria.
*agreed, considering the condition the assault and poor economy left the changelings in.
*kingdom
Okay, I'm going to take a break right here and say this: I wish I hadn't said I was going to review it. I just want to be able to read this thing, without writing corrections down every few seconds. It's just so cool already, I wanna read the whole thing! My suspicion is that the dislikes are caused by grammatical errors and the multiple OKs(original kingdoms). Some people are re-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ally nit-picky... not gonna name names or anything...
*coughcoughcoughsilverspooncoughcoughcough*
*coughcough*
*cough*
*coughitycoughcough*
Anyways, back to reviewing. By the way, now I think I'll just stick the whole paragraph down here and jot corrections as needed.
*kingdom
*lanterns, surrounded by gorgeous scenery
*inhabited by deer(the plural of deer is deer. Isn't that stupid?)
*with an ability similar to a unicorn's magic; instead of horns, though, they used their antlers.
*antlers. Since the male deer had larger antlers, they also possessed more powerful magic and were usually the royal guards.
*Females typically only had small stubs, which meant their primary use was crafting tools for the guards and gathering food for their families. However, some females were born with incredibly strong magic, usually greater than that of the average male's, and would proudly join the royal guard.
*who was quite spoiled
*had a light coat of brown or had a light brown coat
*wondered if he was what he appeared to be
*Hoof had lost his wife to a terminal disease, which might have explained the reason for his odd behavior.
*how he acted, he always gave the proper verdict when it came to
*and tried to maintain a calm public image
*Kasaitatki; it was truly a sight for sore eyes, lighting up at night like a giant lantern.
*name belonging to this
*and community permeated through
*hot spots, and was by far the wealthiest kingdom in the world.
*streets foals were playing
*leader's attitude was the same as his kingdom's, and with the name of "Bearhug the Glorious"; one could easily determine that this was no typical kingdom!
*tall and his coat was a dark shade of brown, similar to his fabulous mustache. (The "fabulous" is clearly optional and totally unnecessary, but this guy seems like a "fabulous mustache" kind of stallion to me.)
*have had little self-esteem, but he was very kind and welcoming to all.
*seemed childish and somewhat timid, but his wife helped him keep a good public image.
*with a mane as white as snow
*could be described as shining quartz
*him make decisions
*together seemed to be as sweet as honey, as they loved each other very much and rarely argued
*They were always together, always smiling, and there was no two ponies who were happier together.
*The kingdom consisted of a large valley with
*polite and saw no reason for
*a religion that worshipped all forms of nature(this might be another reason for dislikes, religion is a very touchy topic in the pony world)
*if one had another.
*She had a slim
*her mane was green, curled in such a way you’d swear her head was covered in leaves.
*Her tail looked similar, but was considered to be akin to a tree’s branch.
*She was a mare of
*in need. Despite her approachable
*and referred
*At all, she kept herself as calm as possible, her village maintaining the same coolness their leader did.
*metal, with hardly a tree in sight
*robots and hardworking ponies
*the streets, since machinery seemed to do
*ring surrounded the kingdom, void of cracks or holes.
*They were the masters of weaponry, everything from swords
*this kingdom has always been a mystery, as she never turned up for meetings and never stepped outside of the palace.
*those who worked for her or those in the royal guard knew her name, but nothing else was known about her.
*she spoke to her subjects, she used speakers that were placed throughout the kingdom.
*about each realm,
*Nothing more than petty arguments, mind you, but they got rather defensive when it came to any sort of criticism; the tension was so thick, it seemed to create a fog between the kingdoms.
*evidence was pony fur, more specifically, fur from a pony of a different kingdom. There were wild
*as ’the Equestrian War’.
*from need of supplies or constant bombardment from enemy armies.
*It didn’t matter to most of the rulers, as their treasuries were still quite full, until
*Nearly seventy-five percent(using words instead of numbers is just more professional)
*the war; among them, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy, two of the Elements of Harmony, are simply lifeless husks, their memories preserved by crumbling statues.
*during the war, and it didn’t take long for Twilight Sparkle to follow suit.
*to never, ever start a war with each other again; the genocide was just too much for anypony to handle.
*With a very poor and limited economy, the kingdoms all tried to rebuild and heal.
*However, bonds were shattered during the war, some of which could not be restored; certain ponies were not
*been renamed “No Pony’s Land”.
Now for storyline things:
People might have issues with the whole “perfect relationship, good decisions, nature-worship-and-respect-and-not-pushing-things-on-other-ponies”. It’s kind of like you’re turning a Mary Sue(or Gary Stu) into a kingdom.
Also, the descriptions could easily be turned into multiple paragraphs that go over more serious details, such as past wars, financial issues, etc., etc…
It seems like it just went along too quickly. The prologue was very hasty in getting to “and then they went to war”. Maybe if you gave serious backgrounds, like blah-blah-the-Fabulously-Mustached’s great-granddad killed Antler Guy’s great-grand-cousin or something like that, to add to the petty issues.
Otherwise, it’s pretty cool so far.
5397450 Holy wall of text. XD I definitely admit... grammar is not my strong suit at all. I highly thank you for fixing up the grammar.
Hm, I see. Though you seemed to have more time picking at the grammar then more at the story. Not saying that's bad I need to have a proofreader but I just want to hear a bit more about the story as well.
As for that Great Antler guy, there is going to be a background behind him but rather it's not going to come up until the next book which feature's his kingdom. The same will go for all of the other rulers as well. I hope I didn't unintentionally make a gary sue though.
Also, thank you so much the story sounds so much better with your corrections!
One other thing though, you think you could send the grammar fixing errors by message and rather do the story critiquing by comments? It's just so it won't take as much space up as your previous comment and won't get in the way of any other comments.
5463883 He definitely does.
Exposition is not your friend. I get that you're trying to set the scene, but you went way overboard in doing so. This entire chapter reads like a history book (and a poorly made one, at that), so it's no surprise that you're having trouble getting some attention for it.
I see what you mean by needing an editor, but really that's not the biggest problem here.
Adverbs are not your friend either. Nor is repetition. This is rather tricky to read.
Even so, I'm at least curious to see what your intentions are.
Nobody suspects Lightning? Really? I find that rather hard to believe, especially how she's defending him but not defending him but because she's his cousin she's defending him while not defending him or defending him by oh my Luna I've gone cross-eyed.
Luna's not acting at all like a princess, her guards are incompetent and yet still seem more cool headed than her, her apprentice doesn't appear to have any recognizable character, Luna herself seems to have a penchant for revealing everything to anyone regardless of their importance, and Sol is a B-movie villain who decided to show up and explain his entire existence for no reason whatsoever.
Let's just hope something interesting will come up from the presence of the elements of Harmony... well, three of them. I won't be at all surprised if this story ends up having a new Elements of Harmony group formed to defeat Sol and begin spreading friendship across the kingdoms.
Okay, time to go into my plot critique mode for this chapter, just to show you how people like me tend to examine stories. Good luck.
Hold on, she tells them to help with the fires to improve their image, and then tells them to conceal their identities so that the whole idea is pointless?
Also, you expect me to believe that Sweet Apple Acres can be reached from Canterlot within a matter of a few minutes? You do realize they typically have to take a train to get there, right?
How the heck would Applejack recognize his voice? Is he from Ponyville? Does his thieving forrays regular involve the long trip between Canterlot and Ponyville?
After all that detail in the first chapter, it now dawns on me that not once have you mentioned just how much time has passed between the show and this story. Obviously it's been at least five years, but beyond that? How are we supposed to get a handle on Applejack's age?
Also, nobody knows what a fire imp looks like, because you haven't told us.
Seriously? Fire Imps have all but invaded Equestria and these two guys are looking to find out who is helping Firebelt? And Lightning's spying on them? Talk about wanting to be caught. Talk about blatant misallocation of resources and time.
Fires are raging all across Canterlot. These two guards see Lightning running away and immediately assume that she's the one helping Firebelt? They don't suspect that she could be, oh, I dunno, trying to help put out the fires? Like they should be doing?
Any and every elite writer on FIMFiction will tell you to never, ever use actual swear words in a MLP fanfiction. I think they're being ridiculous, but just thought I'd point it out.
Applejack apparently took ninja lessons sometime in the past few years, eh? I guarantee you, any serious writer/review will balk at this.
So fighting a few imps and being cousins automatically disqualifies Firebelt and Lightning from all punishment? Their sins are justified? This doesn't sound like Applejack at all. I'm willing to grant that years have passed and she could have changed her outlook, but you've not given us enough time to even come close to making this believable.
Please, for the love of Celestia and all things holy, don't do this. We don't need to know exactly how many 'he's and 'ha's were in this guy's laugh. It looks crappy. Just say 'he laughed' or something similar, we'll get the message.
how the hell does Applejack know Luna encountered Sol? She wasn't there and I seriously doubt news spread that quickly.
Throwing in pointless humor in what should be a life-or-death situation? Just no. Your story is either serious or funny, don't try to be both.
Luna is so blatantly OoC – and her behavior is so unrealistic for any individual at all – that we've moved beyond a change in the times and straight into nonsense. There's nothing in her manner that comes even close to what an intelligent individual would do. The Princess and ruler of Equestria wouldn't personally see to the execution of a thief, no matter how skilled, nor would she consider him a 'major threat to Equestria.' She's putting Firebelt on the same plane as a threat such as Discord (where is he in all this, anyway?) or Tirek. And an apprentice who publicly embarrasses her? The masses dare to laugh at a small joke when she's clearly mad as hell? None of these things would actually happen in the real world.
The lesson: look at your events in comparison to the real world. Think about how people behave and the logical progression of conversations. Apply personalities with an appreciation of realism. People behave in specific ways in specific situations. When in doubt, act out the conversation in your head before writing.
And then we have Flicker Blitz, who within an instant has decided that two infamous thieves are worthy of friendship and not a risk to her in any way. Let's not add that her concept of science is questionable at best and preposterous at worst. This theory about the Cryer Bells is crackpot – especially considering this is the very first time we've heard of them in the entire story, so you're not lending the idea anything in the way of credibility. What are these things, where did they come from, what makes her think they are at all related to the Tree of Harmony, and why did they suddenly pop up as an option now when they've almost certainly been known about all along – maybe for centuries – and should have been recognized as an option by someone far more knowledgeable – like Luna – from day one?
The lesson: background is important. If you're going to bring up something major to the plot, don't do it abruptly. Provide clues and cues early on, or at least slowly build into it during the scene. Having a character suddenly pipe up 'Oh, what about item X?' without any buildup or explanation is the wrong way to go about it.
You can expect to see a review form me this coming Monday, but the gist of it is that while you have some good ideas you don't seem to have a way to properly convey them. I'll tell you now precisely what I told you before: practice. Practice, practice and practice some more. Write short stories, not sweeping epics. Save those for when you feel more confident in yourself. More importantly, look for critical reviewers who won't sugarcoat their views.
You can check The Writer's Group for a plethora of conversations about writing methods and debate. You can find good critical reviews from:
Twilight's Library and The Equestrian Critics Society and The Pleasant Commentator and Review Group – You can't submit stories except when they open the submission folders (which isn't often and doesn't last long due to high demand), but you can always check their many links to other writing technique and help groups.
If you're really well protected from criticism, you might try The Writers and Reviewers Institute for Technical Excellence, or W.R.I.T.E. These people are hardcore and pull no punches. If there's something wrong with your story in any way, they will make it absolutely clear. Don't go to them unless you're prepared to feel the burn.
Alternatively, you can look around for beginner's writer groups. There's a significant number of them that are devoted to helping new writers refine their craft, and may be just right for you.
I wish you luck in your future writing endeavors!
You can has review.