8/25 · 1:58am Aug 26th, 2014
No inspiration.
School stress and college stuff. I'm thinking about going to SMU.
Can't think. Can't smile. Terribly depressed. I need Pinkie Pie.
Self loathing day in & day out. The more I know myself, the more I hate myself.
I don't wanna give up on my beliefs, but people hate me for them, & argue better than me.
I'm losing my faith. I'm losing the arguments, with others & myself. I'm losing my mind.
I'm so insecure with my own beliefs & I hate myself all the more for it.
I don't know how to apologize.
& I can't forgive myself.
& I'm supposed to have this all figured out.
I'm too smart for my own good.
They'll tell me that life gets better. They told me that in middle school. It did, & then it didn't. I'm in so much pain. Summer was lonely, but that was okay.
Because I didn't expect to meet people.
But now I'm surrounded by people.
& I can't relate to any of them. Not a single one.
I wanna die so badly, & yet I wanna live, too. I wanna die, but I can't. I have people who love me & I don't wanna hurt them. Our school already went through a suicide. With average 80 students per grade, it hit hard. & I feel so, so guilty that it wasn't me. I'm supposed to be the one in psychotherapy. He had everything. Including the knowledge to synthesize chemicals in his car strong enough to send four police officers to the hospital who investigated the car he was in. It must have taken months to plan out.
& I'm writing this right now. I'm probably subconsciously begging for pity. I hate myself for it.
I'm not supposed to ask for pity, yet I do.
I'm so insecure. I'm even insecure in my gender. I hate the word "feminism". Take apart the word, and it means 'feminine doctrine/system/belief'. It says nothing about males. It's not called gender equality or gender rights or sex rights.
What am I good for? What are us men good for? It's sexist to say that we're better at anything than women, yet it's perfectly fine to say that women are better than men at everything. I can't point out man's ingenuity nor his accomplishments. That's 'sexist'. That's why I feel the whole world is against me and whatever beliefs I have. If there is controversy, then I'm one of them. I get labeled and hated and made into a laughingstock. Artificial insemination makes is no longer necessary for males to take part in reproduction. Would the world be better without us? Without me? Are we men irrelevant? Why am I asking the internet for reassurance? I can't even reassure myself of my own worth. I hate myself for it.
Why do I hate myself? Whom else can I hate? I'll be judged even more harshly after I die.
Jesus died for me, so why do I still feel like I'm going to hell? I'm asking for reassurance again. I'm only opening myself for more mockery. I don't want it. I still deserve it. I'm being a fool.
I've squandered all of my gifts. I lived a comfortable life. I go to a great school. I saw the best cognitive therapist in the region. My parents love me. You'd think I'd do better. There are Third Graders in China better at math than I am. I'm only taking regular Calculus this year. And regular English. I didn't have the guts to go into AP. And the man who teaches it is my advisor. I can't help but feel that he's probably disappointed in me.
I do French Horn. In 6th Grade I was the only cornist in the school since a long time before. Then half-way through the year, a girl switched from Trumpet to Horn. She did better than me. She worked hard. I was lazy and ran on talent. I was a lazy coward. I was jealous. Later in the grade below me came 6 other cornists. Now a kid in the grade below me is better than me. He works hard. I have a talented ear. Many of my peers go to all-state. I'm the only student who actually cares about band who doesn't.
I do piano. I just started organ. How's that supposed to get me a living.
WHY am I begging the internet for encouragement. I'm being stupid but I'm hitting the submit button anyway. I just loosed my life-story to the world. "Prepare for unforeseen consequences."
I play piano. There are millions of people better than me. I can't even get through the Andante Espressivo of Khachaturian Toccata.
I also feel similar in a way in most cases, nothing productive gets done at times where I feel that someone somewhere can do what I can do a lot better.
However, when I started to consider my current state of feelings and suicide, I came to think that suicide isn't the best option, despite how desperate I wanted to jump off a bridge and drown. What point would I make if I no longer exist? What possibilities could happen if I decided to stick around? Something inside my head decided to completely ignore the constant criticism I receive when my work began to lackluster. I've always kept in mind that somewhere among the path of life, there is a possibility that you could make a bold move.