My First Time...s

Probably not what you're thinking but hey, I have to put something there that catches attention. That's what a title or bulletin is for, after all.

Now, I'll get straight to the point and talk directly about what I came here to do.
Love.

Yeah. Me? Love? Hah! Those two don't mix.
At least I thought they didn't.

I used to hate or even fear love for all the pain that it brought to everyone when it ended. Every relationship I've personally seen has just gone down in shambles leaving at least one of the party broken.
What I didn't understand was how rewarding that the feeling of "love" can be.
The feeling in your chest when you send a message and you keep refreshing to see if they've responded.
The feeling in your stomach when you want to say something embarrassing and you don't know how they'll react.
The feeling in your heart when... You.... Finally have a tender moment.

If you couldn't tell, this is going to be a long blog post.

This is one of my more beloved moments.

When she was so close to saying that she was starting to like me, which was days into us constantly talking, I was so ecstatic. Of course, I couldn't show that. I didn't want to ruin the moment, and I think my doing that has made it even more painful for me.

The random little moments of strange happiness when you do something fairly weird that just feels right because it's with them.

I didn't know when either of us would have to go, or part from each other. I knew it would happen, I knew it was inevitable.
I knew that we would have to separate at one point.

Then, earlier than I ever thought, my WiFi for my tablet got permanently disconnected.
What I didn't truly understand was how painful that the feeling of "love" can be.
The feeling in your chest when you know you can't send another message to that person.

The feeling in your stomach when you're forced to separate through means you never thought much earlier than ever expected.

The feeling in your heart when.... You... Have to let go of everything.

I never thought that last night, I would look at my connection-lacking device... And bawl. Just a full expulsion of fluids draining from my face, crying so hard that I could hardly breathe, I couldn't open my eyes for the longest time, and my chest felt like it was going to fall in on itself.

I was weeping, and I couldn't stop it until I fell asleep, repeating the words: "I'm sorry."

I may have only known her through one small thing, but what I felt for her was real.
What happened was real.
What we said was real.

I'll need a few months to recover and get my life straight.
I'm not sure I'll return.
I'll still be on Skype though, just not nearly as active; and I wasn't active earlier much either.

I'm sorry.

((Insert Incomprehensible Babbling Here.)) - Projected "Disembodied" Voice