A short review of "Movie Night" · 7:23pm Aug 9th, 2014
You know what I really hate? When people post their stories in a public forum, but then audit the thoughts that the readers post about them, like some sort of privileged, man-child big brother. It gets to me, because people put in their personal time to read your story, time they'll never get back, time they could easily spend bettering themselves. But if your story is crap, and they feel like spending another few minutes writing either to you or other readers about it, and then you just delete their thoughts? That's a special act of douchebaggery.
Enter Movie Night, by Darksonickiller. (The same guy who spammed people's user pages, including mine, asking for a follow-for-a-follow. If he was turned down, he would promptly delete the comments, leaving no paper trail for any of the kind of people who make these blogs regularly. Just a fun fact.)
The story starts of with Scootaloo showing Rainbow Dash the 'A' she got on her test. What kind of test? Who knows? Who cares? How did she accomplish this feat? Again, not important. Maybe she slept with the teacher (which, if you've read the story, you'd find wouldn't be that surprising.) Rainbow is now obligated to invite her over for a sleepover, which the readers should just accept, becuz it happend before teh story started, K?
Dash forgets that this transpired as quickly as the readers do. She then heads to some video rental place (cuz apparently Equestria has VCR's, now) and spends three seconds renting a random movie from some guy named "Plot Twist" (lol). Withing half a sentence, she runs into Pinkie Pie, who spends a couple seconds spouting off random information she shouldn't know about, cause PINKIE PIE. Pinkie gives her food that we never see again.
Okay, cool. So we're less than a thousand words in, now. Yeah, that's right--all this shit is happening in a thousand words. I can't describe how unbelievably rushed this story is. After Pinkie, she meets up with Scootaloo the VERY NEXT sentence! Pacing? Lol, what's that?
That's not to mention the grammar. Almost everyone in the comments complained about it, and the author kept saying, "It's the editor's fault! He ditched me! YOU CAN'T COMPLAIN!!!". Yeah, I can hardly wonder why the editor ditched on him, if his stories are all like this. But I will never pick on a story with bad grammar, so long as it's readable. No, the problems with this fic are far deeper.
Anyway, I'll try to hurry things along. Rainbow Dash accidentally rents the version of the movie with explicit porn in it. Yeah, because all movies have unrated versions where the actors just bonk each others brains out. It's almost like a teenager's concept of what adult movies are like. So, Rainbow Dash is obviously embarrassed and tries to explain the birds and the bees to Scoots.
This is where the story could have been original. Make a story where Rainbow Dash has to very unexpectedly explain sex to Scootaloo, maybe where she has no idea what she's talking about and Scootaloo keeps awkwardly confusing what she's saying. That would be entertaining--no foalcon required. But this story isn't interested in being entertaining. It just wants mindless clop with the minimal amount of effort required. Because that's exactly what happens. Scootaloo cries, "Do me, Rainbow!" and Rainbow says, "No, you're a child!" and Scootaloo says "Please!" and Rainbow says, "Yeah, let's go up to my room!"
No, Rainbow, not really.
Clop ensues, very badly written, very standard clop. Included are lots of screams in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS and lots of ten second orgasms. But I can't go into too much detail in a SFW blog. Just know it's really average, maybe even less than average.
But the whole problem with this story is that it completely glosses over the fact that Scootaloo is a child. Rainbow gets turned on by the movie in, like, three seconds and then is instantly cool with becoming a pedophile. I know it's a pretty standard trope of bad foalcon, but this set a new record for how much the characters don't care. It's never addressed. It's not the fact that it's wrong that bothers me--I'm completely fine with reading stories with immorality in them, as long as it seems the author is trying to make sense of it. I've read some pretty bad stories with foal-on-adult plot lines that I was fine with, because as bad as they were, the author was at least trying to have a point. This guy doesn't even understand what a point is. He writes Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo waaaaay out of character, doing what they never would in most depictions, and doesn't even try to give a reason why. He doesn't develop their relationship, he doesn't show how they're different in his universe, he just says "LOL LOVE MY CLOP!"
It's sad, and I tried to warn other readers by posting my opinions. I wasn't a complete dickhole, as I pointed out where I though the author went wrong and what he could have done different for his benefit. But I criticized his beloved lop-sided turd, and my thoughts were thus deleted. Below is a copy of the comment I made, which I saved beforehand because I had a feeling this author would be immature.
This was really bad.
The grammar was frequently wrong, words were misspelled, and the pacing was completely off. However, it wasn't so bad as to be unreadable. That's what's worst of all, because I thought, "Maybe this story has some decent characterization even if the author isn't a proficient storyteller." I was incorrect.
Foalcon, in order to be any good, has to be done very, very carefully. Moral issues can't be ignored. The foal's childlike mindset can't be ignored. And it can't be rushed into unless you make it very clear that the foal is being pressured. No one that young just jumps into sex, especially if they don't even fucking know what it is five paragraphs earlier! It's uncomfortable, it's inaccurate, and it's just downright lazy.
This might have worked if it was a comedy, where Dash was just planning to have a regular sleepover but then had to awkwardly explain the birds and the bees to Scootaloo. Or a horror story that misleads the reader, and has just straight up rape that doesn't try to titillate. Anything else would have to have several chapters, with a lot of talent, a lot of characterization, a lot of thought, and actual effort.
And the clop sucked, too.
Ha this review was great, and now I kinda want to write that fic where Rainbow Dash explains to Scoots about sex in a south park "Backdoor Sluts 9?!" kind of way. But I feel like maybe a better writer should handle it. Anyways keep fighting the good fight against the forces of douchebagerry.
2357038
Actually, now that I think about it, I did write something similar. The cutie mark crusaders find Rainbow's porn and Rarity is horrified. Meanwhile Dash laughs her ass off. Not really the same but it's the general idea.
This is what I would have done a little better.
Scootaloo's confused. Ask Dash a lot of questions.
Dash tries to explain without giving too much away, but awkwardly fails. As a last resort, fakes a yawn and says it's time to go to bed, thus avoiding the "birds and bees" talk.
Scootaloo can't sleep. Thinks about the scene, feels herself getting "excited down there" looks down thinks she peed herself, shouts for Dash and tells about her little accident.
Scootaloo is embarrass and thinks Diamond Tiara is right when she calls Scootaloo a baby. Dash tries to make her feel better by trying to explain why she's wet there "without" again not giving too much away.
Scootaloo says thanks, tries to hug Dash, Dash says "maybe you should take a bath first" lol sisterly moment then story ends.
Story ends with Dash no having foal-con sex.
2357186
It certainly sounds better than the original, if done right. However, girls don't usually confuse arousal for urination, but I suppose that could be chalked up to suspension of disbelief.
The other thing I'd change is have Rainbow stumble in on Scootaloo, maybe ask "What's that smell." In any case, Scootaloo would try to hide it so as not to seem weak in front of RD (see Sleepless in Ponyville).
Anyway, yeah, it's definitely an improvement, but then again, if it's a heartfelt story I was going for (that seems like what you're getting across), I'd probably pick a different topic than sexual discovery. It's too awkward to let the feels sink in.
2357225 I definitely agree.
Technically, you have no right to be upset about what someone deletes in the comment thread of their story. It's his work. If he doesn't want you pissing all over it on his story thread, that's his business and you have no say in the matter. The same way you can delete this post and I won't even give two shits because, hey. It's within your moralistic rights and allowable.
But you acted rather immature about it, which you may want to edit in this post and on the story's comments. You came across as attempting to get petty revenge in a very petulant tone, which I don't think you were going for. If you were, and you're doing this for that sort of reason then... well, I think it's best left implied.
2359774
Technically, I have the right to be upset over whatever I want. If the fact that someone deletes all negative comments about a public story upsets me and doesn't upset you, that is fine either way. I responded pettily because I felt the act was petty. It made me smile for a couple of minutes, so whatever.
2359818
Eh. To each their own, I suppose. But, I might advise trying to keep the high ground in situations like that. Otherwise you're just as easily dismissed as the next guy. Unless you just like getting stuck in and dirty, in which case hey - that's a lot of fun, too.
2357038
Amen.