Spoiler Alert: Guardians of the Galaxy, Part 1 · 2:03pm Aug 6th, 2014

: Guardians of the Galaxy is Marvel Studios' latest project, and certainly one of its most ambitious. Abandoning the concrete jungles and Earth-oriented locales of most superhero films, Guardians also experiments with obscure and bizarre characters. How did this grand experiment turn out? Let's find out.
: Saw Guardians of the Galaxy the other day.

: The movie begins with Peter Quill, a kid in 1988 who's listening to an 8-track his single mother gave him while he's sitting in a hospital waiting room. His mom's dying, and she has a touching scene with him before she kicks the dust. What, too depressing for a comedy? C'mon, it's a superhero film; you can't make one of these without at least one parent biting the bullet.
: Hey! Don't y'all make fun a'that! This is serious!
: Huh? Oh, right. Sorry AJ. Anyway, her scene also has some added punch because she dies of natural causes; it's a lot easier to empathize with a scene like this instead of with a melodramatic murder, like most superhero films would use. But the kid can't handle it, so he runs outside to get some air. But then he gets abducted by aliens! Talk about a double whammy.

: We cut to the present, where the grown-up Quill lands on an alien planet in his spaceship. He puts on his headphones, and starts dancing to one of the many classic '60s/'70s songs that are present in this film, while the title appears overhead. This is one of the films' best uses of music, instantly introducing us to the main character's endearingly eccentric personality while beautifully defying the tendency to start superhero films with reverent seriousness and drama. He enters an ancient building to steal an orb, but is accosted by several ruffians, who are also searching for the sphere.
: The scene continues as ya've already seen in the trailers a million times, an' Quill, goin' by 'Star Lord,' blasts 'is way outta the buildin' an' to 'is ship, where he makes a tactically blunderin' but physically agile escape.
: Unfortunately, this mission may have been more trouble than it was worth. It turns out that Quill, who has become an intergalactic thief, stole the orb against the wishes of his leader, Yondu, who wanted to steal it for himself. Yondu then sets out to get it back and kill Quill. Yondu's presence in this movie is...surprising. See, the Guardians of the Galaxy as a franchise started in 1969 as a 31st Century team that defended Earth and its intergalactic colonies. The team of modern era extraterrestrials that inspired this movie was not created until 2008. Yondu was a member of the 31st Century team, but has little in common with this Yondu. Yes, they're both blue humanoids with mohawks, and arrows that they control by whistling, but the original Yondu was a full-blown hero. He was like the Na'vi; a blue alien with a savage temper who lived in harmony with nature. His heroic Native American stereotype was so far removed from this mercenary redneck stereotype that I have to imagine this Yondu must be the original Yondu's ancestor.

: An' it gets worse fer Quill. It turns out that yet another man wanted the orb. A recent peace treaty 'tween the planet Xandar an' the intergalactic Kree Empire weren't well received by a Kree nationalist named Ronan the Accuser. Ronan has made a pact wit' Thanos, a madman who wants ta destroy the universe. If Ronan can get Thanos the orb, Thanos'll destroy Xandar fer him. Failin' ta obtain the orb, Ronan sends Thanos' adopted daughter, Neytiri...ah mean, Uhura...that is, Gamora, ta retrieve it.
: Quill goes to Xandar to hawk his ball when all of sudden he's spotted by a couple of daaaangerous bounty hunters and....
....is that a talking raccoon and a talking tree?
.............
: SQUEEEEEEEE!!!!
: ....my poor ears. Anyway, putting Bradley Cooper's and Vin Diesel's exceptional performances aside for the moment, I have to question their characters' professional technique. Their job is to capture people who don't want to be found, and yet they're standing in the center of a courtyard in broad daylight, clearly scanning the crowd while a gun has been strapped to Rocket's back. If that weren't enough to scare off any potential targets, you'd think their anatomy would. The Marvel Cinematic Universe seems more predisposed to aliens with human-like shape and size than franchises like, say, Star Wars might be, so Rocket Racoon and Groot stand out even more.