To my editor, and friend Matt · 8:30pm Feb 15th, 2014

It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, Bill Cosby , woke up in a imaginery desert. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously puzzled, Bill Cosby punched a potato, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he realized that his beloved Rainbow Dash Doll was missing! Immediately he called his overtly elitist, rich friend, Jackie Chan. Bill Cosby had known Jackie Chan for (plus or minus) 61 years, the majority of which were flamboyant ones. Jackie Chan was unique. He was ingenious though sometimes a little... dimwitted. Bill Cosby called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Jackie Chan picked up to a very ecstatic Bill Cosby . Jackie Chan calmly assured him that most long-haired sea monkeys panic before mating, yet albino cats usually flamboyantly sneeze *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Bill Cosby . Why was Jackie Chan trying to distract Bill Cosby ? Because he had snuck out from Bill Cosby 's with the Rainbow Dash Doll only ten days prior. It was a flamboyant little Rainbow Dash Doll... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Bill Cosby got back to the subject at hand: his Rainbow Dash Doll. Jackie Chan belched. Relunctantly, Jackie Chan invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Rainbow Dash Doll. Bill Cosby grabbed his canoe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Jackie Chan realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Rainbow Dash Doll and he had to do it fearlessly. He figured that if Bill Cosby took the hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle, he had take at least five minutes before Bill Cosby would get there. But if he took the Alpaca? Then Jackie Chan would be alarmingly screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Jackie Chan was interrupted by three oafish Sea-Hawk Fans that were lured by his Rainbow Dash Doll. Jackie Chan sighed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling exasperated, he recklessly reached for his ninja star and aptly attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the imaginery desert, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Alpaca rolling up. It was Bill Cosby .

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of bananas, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, Bill Cosby was out of the Alpaca and went earnestly jaunting toward Jackie Chan's front door. Meanwhile inside, Jackie Chan was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Rainbow Dash Doll into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind his giraffe. Jackie Chan was puzzled but at least the Rainbow Dash Doll was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Jackie Chan scandalously purred. With a inept push, Bill Cosby opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted zealous...zealot in a best-in-its-so-called-'class' sedan,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Jackie Chan assured him. Bill Cosby took a seat vaguely close to where Jackie Chan had hidden the Rainbow Dash Doll. Jackie Chan grimaced trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Bill Cosby was distracted. A few unsatisfying minutes later, Jackie Chan noticed a selfish look on Bill Cosby 's face. Bill Cosby slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Jackie Chan felt a stabbing pain in his kidney when Bill Cosby asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Rainbow Dash Doll right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A oafish look started to form on Bill Cosby 's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's gerbils from when she used to have pet albino cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Bill Cosby nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Jackie Chan could react, Bill Cosby fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Rainbow Dash Doll was plainly in view.

Bill Cosby stared at Jackie Chan for what what must've been eight nanoseconds. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, Jackie Chan groped surreptitiously in Bill Cosby 's direction, clearly desperate. Bill Cosby grabbed the Rainbow Dash Doll and bolted for the door. It was locked. Jackie Chan let out a eccentric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Bill Cosby ,' he rebuked. Jackie Chan always had been a little clueless, so Bill Cosby knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Jackie Chan did something crazy, like... start chucking dangerous oil-soaked rags at him or something. A few unfulfilled decades later, he gripped his Rainbow Dash Doll tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Jackie Chan looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Bill Cosby . 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Bill Cosby . 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Jackie Chan walked over to the window and looked down. Bill Cosby was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Bill Cosby was struggling to make his way through the lemur-infested moor behind Jackie Chan's place. Bill Cosby had severely hurt his ear during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Sea-Hawk Fans suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Rainbow Dash Doll. One by one they latched on to Bill Cosby . Already weakened from his injury, Bill Cosby yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Sea-Hawk Fans running off with his Rainbow Dash Doll.

About two hours later, Bill Cosby awoke, his shin throbbing. It was dark and Bill Cosby did not know where he was. Deep in the hazy haunted thicket, Bill Cosby was abundantly lost. A few unsatisfying minutes later, he remembered that his Rainbow Dash Doll was taken by the Sea-Hawk Fans. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a enormous Sea-Hawk Fan emerged from the foxy forest. It was the alpha Sea-Hawk Fan. Bill Cosby opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Sea-Hawk Fan sunk its teeth into Bill Cosby 's love handle. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Bill Cosby 's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than two miles away, Jackie Chan was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Rainbow Dash Doll. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened dangerous oil-soaked rag. With a calculated thrust, he buried it deeply into his shin. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Bill Cosby ... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Rainbow Dash Doll that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Sea-Hawk Fans, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end.

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