To my friend Paul. · 2:46am Feb 12th, 2014
It all started when our adventure-loving...adventurer, Tom Clancy , woke up in a secret vineyard. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling very angered, Tom Clancy slapped a ninja star, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Ever so extemperaneously, he realized that his beloved Cheeseburger was missing! Immediately he called his bed-friend, lil wayne. Tom Clancy had known lil wayne for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were electric ones. lil wayne was unique. She was congenial though sometimes a little... annoying. Tom Clancy called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
lil wayne picked up to a very angry Tom Clancy . lil wayne calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters panic before mating, yet venomous koalas usually charismatically grimace *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Tom Clancy . Why was lil wayne trying to distract Tom Clancy ? Because she had snuck out from Tom Clancy 's with the Cheeseburger only seven days prior. It was a exotic little Cheeseburger ... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Tom Clancy got back to the subject at hand: his Cheeseburger . lil wayne turned red. Relunctantly, lil wayne invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Cheeseburger . Tom Clancy grabbed his refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, lil wayne realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the Cheeseburger and she had to do it aptly. She figured that if Tom Clancy took the tricked out go kart, she had take at least five minutes before Tom Clancy would get there. But if he took the Segway? Then lil wayne would be abundantly screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, lil wayne was interrupted by six clueless Lionss that were lured by her Cheeseburger . lil wayne panicked; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling stunned, she randomly reached for her banana and recklessly deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Segway rolling up. It was Tom Clancy .
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Egg Roll King to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so he knew he was running late. With a quick leap, Tom Clancy was out of the Segway and went explosively jaunting toward lil wayne's front door. Meanwhile inside, lil wayne was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the Cheeseburger into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind her George Foreman grill. lil wayne was angered but at least the Cheeseburger was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' lil wayne wildly purred. With a apt push, Tom Clancy opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some clueless self-righteous ass in a tricked out go kart,' he lied. 'It's fine,' lil wayne assured him. Tom Clancy took a seat uncomfortably close to where lil wayne had hidden the Cheeseburger . lil wayne turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Tom Clancy was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, lil wayne noticed a stupid look on Tom Clancy 's face. Tom Clancy slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
lil wayne felt a stabbing pain in her double chin when Tom Clancy asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the Cheeseburger right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Tom Clancy 's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatos from when she used to have pet Indonesian devil cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Tom Clancy nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before lil wayne could react, Tom Clancy aptly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Cheeseburger was plainly in view.
Tom Clancy stared at lil wayne for what what must've been six seconds. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, lil wayne groped charismatically in Tom Clancy 's direction, clearly desperate. Tom Clancy grabbed the Cheeseburger and bolted for the door. It was locked. lil wayne let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Tom Clancy ,' she rebuked. lil wayne always had been a little dimwitted, so Tom Clancy knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before lil wayne did something crazy, like... start chucking ripened avocados at her or something. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he gripped his Cheeseburger tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
lil wayne looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Tom Clancy . 'And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Tom Clancy . 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. lil wayne walked over to the window and looked down. Tom Clancy was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Tom Clancy was struggling to make his way through the disease-infested jungle behind lil wayne's place. Tom Clancy had severely hurt his kidney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Lionss suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Cheeseburger . One by one they latched on to Tom Clancy . Already weakened from his injury, Tom Clancy yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Lionss running off with his Cheeseburger .
But then God came down with His charismatic smile and restored Tom Clancy 's Cheeseburger . Feeling angered, God smote the Lionss for their injustice. Then He got in His magic flying carpet and jettisoned away with the fortitude of one million South American hissing sloths running from a little pack of disease-carrying chipmunks. Tom Clancy flipped with joy when he saw this. His Cheeseburger was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in two minutes his favorite TV show, Two and a Half Men, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When legless puppies meet ebola'). Tom Clancy was ecstatic. And so, everyone except lil wayne and a few ebola-toting South American hissing sloths lived blissfully happy, forever after.
Are you drunk?
Or maybe this is a message to your friend to pick you up a cheeseburger before he comes over to play some shooter game.
TO LONG, DIDN'T READ.
1825143
Thanks bro i needed this because i was about to kill myself by eating cheeseburgers to death... Now that i have read this, i am motivated to live on longer and play more Ghost Recon and Splinter Cell while listing to "No Love" by Lil wayne and Eminem.. Thank you #BasedFatty and may the sloths live on forever.
1826463
k