Denied again · 3:14am May 1st, 2012
Well I got denied again by Equestria Daily.
Here are their reasons:
-Your very first sentence has a grammatical problem:
If there was one thing Rainbow Dash loved more than anything, other than her awesome flying skills of course, was a nice long nap.
*Here, you're missing a subject for the last clause. Say this out loud without the aside: "If there was one thing Rainbow Dash loved more than anything else, was a nice long nap."
-Don't multiply your exclamation marks to emphasize a point.
“Wake up already, partner!!”
-Attribution tag punctuation.
and answered “Yeah, they are nice sometimes.
*There should be a comma after 'answered' in this case, though the attribution tag choice could go either way, depending on context.
-Formatting
earth pony.“Are you
*There should be a space after the period.
-Missing letters changing the meaning of a sentence
Sweat beaded on Rainbow Dash’s forehead as she stared regretting opening her mouth to begin with
*I assume this should be "started" instead of "stared," as the latter would drastically change the sentence's meaning and structure.
-Fragments that don't look deliberate, or if deliberate, don't seem to serve a stylistic purpose
Her cyan wings beating through sky as she left behind her signature rainbow streak.
-Semi-colon usage
As she approached the ground, the cyan pegasus could feel the barrier slowly breaking; the stored energy ready to be unleashed.
*When not being used as a super-comma, semi-colons should be used to join two complete sentences together in a closer manner than a hard stop would. Do not use it to join an incomplete sentence to a complete one.
-Tense errors
The slight misplaced focus was all the white funnel need to seize its chance.
-Leading participle phrases
Flying higher than before, Dash found a nearby cloud and started to circle it.
*Good in low quantities, bad in the amount you have. It's a form of composition that's easily abused.
-Lavender Unicorn Syndrome
the pegasus flared her wings and turned her diving dip into a blazingly rapid glide.
*In our fandom, using a meaningless descriptor for a subject whose name and/or gender we know already goes by the term "Lavender Unicorn Syndrome," or LUS for short. Authors use it in an attempt to add variety to their narrative, but it comes across as a distraction at the best of times, and an outright detriment at the worst. Pronouns and proper names work better in almost all cases.
Most of the stuff is grammar related, but again goes with the show and tell thing.
I'm not going to worry about this for now and just focus on making Chapter 6, but I'll be going over all this stuff again with the threads on Ponychan or what not.
Figured this would happen again, but eh, there you go.
Well at least you've been given some solid advice to look at for improving your tale. At least as far as your subject goes you've done pretty good so far. Personally receiving that kind of constructive criticism would be exactly what I would look for to improve a story I had written. Not that I have any stories I would dare to publish...
i really could not give less of a F**K about the grammar!!!! it's an awsome story and when the next chapter comes out, i'm gunna read the S**T OUT OF IT!!!!
Love this story tons, I need chapter 6 so bad I'm shaking... It's great stuff