Stories... · 5:29pm Nov 14th, 2013
So, in case those of you following me hadn't noticed, my story has been on haitus for a while. For this hiatus, I apologize. Know that things will eventually start picking up again though. Soon. I hope. Please don't track me down and torch my home... I kinda need that. In the meantime though, while I wait for things to get back from editing and work on fixing the varied errors within the story, I thought it might not be a bad idea to post reviews of the stories I carve through on here. I will typically simply copy and post my official public comment on any individual given story and maybe add in a few qualifiers... post my So... Without further ado:
Okay... So, overall, not a bad story. Well... I've seen worse at least. The main character positively reeks of Mary Sue, but it's surprisingly endearing. However, you really need an editor to run through this at some point. The grammar and syntax are all over the place. This, to me, is nigh unforgivable in terms of the story. What immersion that is there, is utterly ruined when those conflicts come into play. This happens almost once a paragraph.
Most of the other issues are forgivable. The somewhat wooden dialogue is still reasonably passable. Most of the character reactions are believable and in line with what we've come to expect... Well, there are a few big ones that are missing. AJ responds a bit too easily to being informed that she's been lied to for nearly a half a year by someone who has been sleeping in her home, spending time with her sister and is interested in her best friend... Twilight's curiosity is never really addressed. Mac's typical, for the fandom and fanfiction crowd at least, protectiveness of his family and loved ones is never brought into play....
My other great grievance with the work, is that, while the "official" timeline is reasonable, if a bit unlikely, the whole thing feels rushed. What is supposed to happen over a span of nearly a half a year at minimum, does so. However, the inbetween time is missing. The story tells me that it was a matter of months.It makes sense for it to happen over the course of a matter of months... But the way it reads feels like days. The story needs more filler... Now there' something I never thought that I'd say....lol All of those little in between things that happen over time are missing. We never hear about any other adventures with the crusaders. We never hear about any of the details of the work on the farm. The more subtle reactions and responses that people have when they begin to develop a crush are all missing....
Apparently, this warranted a sequel, and I intend to give it a read. Truthfully though, I don't really see what all the fuss is about. While this has potential, it also needs a lot of work to even begin to reach that potential.
As a more personal thing regarding this story:
I suppose that it is worth adding... There is one thing that is truly unforgivable for me personally in all of this. The final piece of dialogue... "Swag." Really? Come on. Of all the bloody things you could have had the character say, or all the lines you could have closed the curtain on, and all of the scenarios... You chose a wingboner followed by the line, "swag."? Why? Why in the name of all that is holy would you do that? I'd be less disenchanted if you decided to have him randomly scream, "The cake is a lie!" It has roughly the same bearing on the situation the character finds himself in and roughly as much deeper meaning. The only differences are: 1. There are more words in my random quote. 2. As overdone as that reference is and as borderline nauseating as it may be, it doesn't make me want to fling my laptop into my office wall... The combined talents of James Earl Jones and Morgann Freeman couldn't make that line appropriate or attractive in any way shape or form... So, I must ask. WHY?
I should probably read this story.