Drug-fueled introspective moping. Don't read. · 1:12am Oct 8th, 2013
I have to write this down. This is an awful place to post this, but where else am I going to put it? It's the sort of thing no one wants to hear, and no one can do anything about, in any event. But I think about it a lot.
I had dental surgery today. The what and the how and the why are not relevant. Only the fact that I underwent a surgery, if only a small one, and was prescribed moderately powerful painkillers to deal with the aftermath. I toughed it out for most of the day, but finally took one a couple hours ago. It was hydrocodene, something I've been on a couple times before for various reasons. Really does help.
It's also a narcotic, and makes you feel pretty good. The thing that gets me about that, is that when I'm on this stuff, I don't need any particular reason to feel good.
I'm a pretty muted person. I go through most of my life just feeling kinda dull. Then I take this stuff, and suddenly the whole world just feels brighter. More cheerful. More optimistic. I get the feeling that everything is going to work itself out. Everything'll be alright.That's how painkillers work, obviously, no surprise there.
What I really wonder about, is whether or not this is the way I'm SUPPOSED to feel all the time. I'm always worried about something. I'm always upset about something, or annoyed, or afraid. I'm never happy without a specific reason to be. I look around at other people, and they just seem HAPPIER.
When I was younger I didn't really take any chances. I was very, very cloistered. Very introverted. I missed a lot of opportunities in life, and I still regret that every day. I didn't really LIVE, despite being given every chance to do so, and I know it. But it doesn't seem to make any difference now: I go out there, I try to DO things, and it just doesn't make me feel any more satisfied. Most days, I just kind of exist. And I don't think that's good enough. I want to do more than just exist. But every time I try something, I feel nothing. Nothing at all. I go to parties, I've attended concerts, I've even dated a few times. Perfectly nice girls, that I couldn't bring myself to care about a bit. Awesome concerts where everybody was shrieking and hollering and jumping around, and I - despite liking the music - just was not into it at all. I just don't feel, like everybody else seems to.
If I was depressed, or angry, or paranoid, that would be one thing. But what are you supposed to do about feeling nothing at all? I just want to be happier. I just want to be able to believe in the world without being on drugs. That doesn't seem like so much to ask. But nothing I try seems to work. It's not awful being me, it really isn't. It's just not good, either. It just kinda -is-.
And I feel like it should be better than this.
Being happy with no reason is also a psychiatric problem, called 'mania'. It's not quite the opposite of depression, because they are both caused by very different mechanisms and don't exclude each other out. A healthy person should feel happy when there's a reason for it and be able to enjoy themselves, just as they should feel down when they face something they don't like.
What you are describing is the reason several people misuse or downright abuse narcotics and other chemicals. Not very good for you, but that's besides the point here.
Now here's some news for you: EVERYBODY feels hollow inside. Especially if they're of a more introspective and introverted temperament. You compare yourself to others, which is the hallmark of an introvert. And please, don't you even dare try to make it into a bad thing. People are different. You should have learned that by now. The hollow feeling is a typical emotional emptiness in which you are not responding to influences at the moment and is a very healthy feeling. It's something that in oriental philosophy is called as "zen". When you're not being influenced by anything positive or negative, you just exist, and are free to do and think logically. It's the baseline for a person, especially if they suddenly notice they are not under any obligations or doing anything that would cause them an emotional impulse. Like brushing your teeth, sitting on a bus, just times when all you do is go through the motions of routine.
If you feel empty and hollow in a party, that doesn't mean you're broken. It just means the party sucks for you and you're not having fun. Same with everything else you do. If you're not having fun doing it, then gee, wonder why it isn't, well, fun? One of the most typical things that stops people from having fun is the exact thing you told me you suffered as a youth. You're afraid to have fun because it's not within your comfort zone. I have yet to meet a person who wouldn't regret what they did or didn't do when they would have been able to. You must realise that it's a big part of growing up. Some people need to make mistakes to learn, some only need advice. If you for example regret not hanging around with the cool kids at the, I dunno, the Mall? Wherever you Americans hang out. You regret not loving, not screaming your emotions out drunk or maybe kissing someone whose idea of personal hygiene is applying a new coat of makeup and perfume. Some people find it enjoyable. Others enjoy something more intellectual. People screaming on hollering at a concert means that they've just let themselves go. Heck, many of them are doing the screaming just to get into the mood. It's different for everyone else. The problem is that these people are usually more outspoken about how they enjoy what they do compared to people who'd rather "curl up with a nice book". Thus, society has grown to fancy such antics as something to aspire for. If you're not made for that, then fuck, why try? Have fun elsewhere. If you enjoy good music but not the concert, then that means they make good music and you don't like big concerts. Whoah! Hell, even the things you DO enjoy change and fluctuate! Sometimes doing something you've never done might be awesome. Something doing a familiar thing you've done a hundred times is the best thing. Don't be afraid to have fun your own way without feeling guilt for doing it the way others do.
I personally don't like big crowds. I like to find social interaction with singular people or small groups, and become the center of attention there. I don't have a problem with talking to big crowds, because crowds of people are dumb compared to single people.
People call me a very "open and extroverted" person for it. That's just my way of coping with a mass event. I've never gone to a big concert, even the small local ones I've wanted to run away from because they're so impersonal and anonymous. For some, that's just what they want.
TL:DR: Feeling happy all the time is bad. Feeling down all the time is bad. If you feel empty, it's just because you're not having impulses. People are different. Find something you like to do and have fun.
I'm off to have a nice shopping spree with my sister. She's a hoot to hang around once in a while, but damned if I had to live with her I'd probably kill myself. Or her. Different things are different fun, see?
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Thank you. I needed this.
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And it only took you five years to read it!
You're welcome. I'm actually really happy that you answered this, because now I got to read something I wrote half a decade ago and could look at my commentary from a new perspective. For one, I noticed I was far smarter a few years back. Now I constantly feel dumb and not able to say, do or achieve the same things I used to. Weird stuff, eh?