Feelings

I hate feelings. I get them all the time, and they always contradict each other. "Eat this, do that, complain about this, **** that." And most of the time, they fight me. They fight who I am. Because no one else will. I never have anyone who just flat out dislikes me, and I hate it. I'm paranoid all the time, thinking that people talk behind my back, and the only relief I have from it is to ignore it fight it forget it. Because I think. That is all I ever really do. When I talk with some one I'm thinking. When I play a game I'm thinking. When I read I'm thinking. The only time I'm not thinking is when I work out and then what? Here I go again, I got off track. ****. I always fight myself, over every. Single. THING. Cussing, swearing, writing, thinking, laughing, talking with people, simply SAYING HELLO!!!! Why does it have to be so hard? Why can't I just go where I want to go, and just forget about what I........................do....................I can't even think straight........................Sometimes, I think I'm insane. I look back at all of the repeated words, all of them, and how I had to fight myself for repeating words. I think I could fill up this entire page with just the same word over and over again. That's what my mind does at least. fuck. Just going to not censor it once. That felt good. I like writing. It lets me open up. I can't openly express myself in real life, so I do this instead. I can already feel it working. All the tension is just slipping away, though one part is still there. Need to open that up too. And now I feel it. Just a little bit more. Almost have it.....................so close. Feelings aren't always bad..................I think this is the first time I've really relaxed in a long time. Everything.......just slipped away....................I needed this. So much. Anyone reading this can ignore it, I did this more or less for my own benefit. I apologize for the swearing and cuss words, please forgive me this small discrepancy though that's not the right word for it.

And now all I can think of is the word apologize..........