Review of Mendacity · 9:59am Mar 15th, 2013
This is the third “Bon Bon is a changeling” story I’ve read to date, and it’s definitely the best thus far. Actually, the writing reminded me of something I least expected in a pony fanfic - The Name of the Wind. The writing is definitely good, if a bit overabundant at times, venturing into purpleness. The author works very hard to build his own world inside the ponyverse, and his efforts are on the mark most of the time. Bon Bon is well fleshed out and I found Lyra’s portrayal, while adhering a tad too strongly to fannon, to be agreeable. An OC character made for a good juxtaposition with Bon Bon on her quest, and also served well to provide the reader with well timed comic relief and at times to ask the questions the reader would need answered. I am however unable to rate this fic without diving into some more serious spoilers. Suffice to say, I would not recommend it for people looking mainly for a romance story - it’s much more adventure/triller/drama/worldbuilding than it is romance.
So, spoilers ahead! This story takes place during A Canterlot Wedding, and it ties in with the events of the S2 finale. The interactions with the show's storyline are sporadic and distant, but nevertheless the invasion of the changelings is the main driving force of the story. Bon Bon is a changeling in hiding that has chosen to live as a pony after falling in love with Lyra. She has hidden her identity thus far, and has passed her constantly changing voice as a little quirk of hers. She unwittingly meets a kelpie named Aldrovanda who informs her of the impending invasion. Bon Bon decides to warn the Captain of the Guard in Canterlot, and thus help preserve her peace of life. Needless to say, her warning comes after Chrysalis has replaced Cadence, and Lyra is kidnapped as a hostage against Bon Bon. From then on, she and Aldrovanda (who tags along for her own reasons) head on a quest to save Lyra. The worldbuilding is very extensive in this story, and we are given a backstory for the origin of Changelings, and all other matter of magical creatures.
The problem is, for as extensive the worldbuilding is, it doesn’t quite mash with MLP. Apparently, Changelings and other Faerie were created by Discord for his amusement, and he even made iron, one of the most common metals in existence, a deadly poison to them. This strikes me as something that doesn’t quite match with what we know of him - it is too mean-spirited, and too vengeful-god-like for me to accept. Actually, the whole work switches gear when these concepts are introduced (origin of the Faerie, their mortality and so on). The prose changed from more action oriented to more descriptions and scene setting, and the tone felt quite different.
And then there are the interactions of the story with what we know from the season finale - it actually felt like the constraints of adhering to what happened in the show were actively strangling the work, and there were several places when things happened, only to be reset back to a status quo a few pages later, so that show canon would be preserved. Honestly, it was boring and dreary to read, and the fact that basically about one-third to a half of the story took place in a cave didn’t help much.
I would be remiss however not to mention an amazing and extremely heart-felt song that Lyra sings at her reunion with Bon Bon. Songs in fimfiction are rare to come by, and even rarer to be actually good, but this one really tugged on my heartstrings, so to say. It felt like the most just reward, well deserved at the end of a journey. There is an actual rendition of this song on Soundcloud - The Wind and the Wanderer (which I believe was sung by the author's mother and contains a few minor lyrical changes from the text in the fic itself). Only that this amazingly emotionally charged reunion turned out not to be the end, but just a two thirds of the way. The transition after the song, where they have to be separated again because (what felt like the only reason) the fic had to keep in check with the events of A Canterlot Wedding Part 2 felt like the most contrived in all the story and really took away from my enjoyment of it.
In the end, I’m conflicted. The writing can be quite exceptional at times, and the author clearly put a lot of thought into what he did. The end result however felt disjointed from the pony universe more often than not, and some descriptions and jokes overstayed their welcome. There were a lot of tiny jokes about physics that reminded me of Pratchett’s writing, but I felt a distinct lack of finesse in their execution. Example:
Princess Luna swished her tail irritably - a bizarre sight, as her diaphanous, drifting tail was not entirely physical, and appeared to flow rather than swish. For a moment, Bon Bon had the strangest impression that some of the star-like specs of light in the alicorn’s tail had gleamed blue as they shifted towards her, and red as they drew away.
Yay, you know what redshift is, bravo... only that this kind of smells of a “look how well read I am” statement more than anything else. There were several similar passages, but this one stayed with me. And now I really don’t know what to rate this fic. It’s not average, the author is skilled and the writing is executed with a purpose. There are a few “and then this happened” moments in the story, but nothing too terrible. On the other hand, I never managed to get excited for this story in general. I will most of the times read stories in one of two mindsets, a rational one or an emotional one. I love reading Pratchett’s stories with a rational mindset, because for all their strangeness, they make sense on basic plot and world level, and there’s an enjoyment to be found in his execution. I like reading in the emotional mindset when I can forsake some requirements of plot consistency if things make sense on a character level, and the emotional stakes are high enough. Here however the writing beckons more my rational side, and it felt dissatisfying. Not bad by any means, just... not right for me. And in the end I am forced to give the average rating of 3.5 out of 5 to this story. Which is a damn shame...
Thanks very, very much for your thoughtful criticism. I'm still finding my legs as a writer (Mendacity is the first full story I've ever written that was longer than ten or twelve pages), so this is extremely helpful to me.
Many of the flaws you mention I was already aware of, and hope to amend in future stories (they're a bit too tightly wound into the structure of Mendacity for me to fix them in the revision, which I plan to release before the next full Moon*), but some of the issues weren't so obvious to me--specifically, your comments regarding the conflict between the references to physics (and science in general) and the more emotional aspects of the story. In many ways, worldbuilding is to me more important than story itself, and my own non-Pony-related stories function less as standalone pieces and more as facets of the overarching work of geofiction, just as subservient to the whole as the various drawings, sculptures, music, languages, histories, biologies, and mathematical systems are. You're absolutely right, though: when presented alone a story of this kind must stand on its own merits and be dedicated to itself, not to something external (whether the religion, politics, or simply a fascination with the universe as a whole). Thanks for reminding me of that fact.
As for the mismatch in tone between MLP and this story...Hm. I'll have to think about that. I hate to be the author who responds to criticism by trying to offer extenuating explanations (the story should, of course, explain itself, with no extra intervention needed), but at the time I wrote the chapter dealing with the Bugul Noz and Discord's true relation to the Fae, Keep Calm and Flutter On had not yet been aired. The Discord I was working with was the stained glass Discord who was shown laughing as he dangled screaming ponies above pits of fire, not the Discord who realized that friendship really was magic--and a kind of magic that he himself had never been able to command. I offer this as an explanation, not an excuse.
At any rate, thanks again for the criticism. It's really very much appreciated, and I hope that you'll be able to enjoy my next story**, whose first part should be coming out at the same time that I release the somewhat-revised version of Mendacity.
*I could just say "In a week or so," but "before the next full Moon" is just so much more satisfying.
**Though considering what you said about the mismatch in tone between the fanfic and the source material, you may have some eensy-weensy reservations about this next piece, which draws rather heavily from Lovecraft's Cthulhu Mythos. ...'Myes. We'll see how that works out.
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I must say that your worldbuilding was a fascinating read, and definitely of a quality rarely seen in fanfiction, or even fiction in general. My misgivings with Discord also do not take into account the recent... ugh, development the creators decided on for him (but that's a whole other can of worms better left unopened). It had more to deal with the notion of him essentially creating life, and what seemed like all and every type of magical non-pony and mythological creature. And that for a purpose that seemed to amount to "I want to see these creatures suffer". It read to me less like "chaos" and more like "evil", and while there is no denying that Discord's actions bore malice in Return of Harmony, it seemed more like a means to an end rather than a purpose on its own. Still, this is just my subjective reading of that character.
Also, Cthulhu and ponies sound like something that definitely deserves a read. I don't mind (and actually actively seek out) the mixing of darker themes with ponies - the juxtaposition can make for powerful, amazing stories. Will definitely be looking forward to your next work.