Despite what you might think at the end, I have not gone insane

I've got some long bits in this post. Some cartoons, a review of a longer than normal fanfict, a look and talk at a fanfict classic, and something special that will fill your hearts with dread.
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Snafuperman – 1944 – Warners - Freleng

When everyone’s favorite solider claims that there is no need to study for combat, Techincal First Class Fairy (a recurring character in the series, and easily the coolest fairy there ever was) turns private Snafu into Snafuperman, a parody of the popular character (when Snafu is transformed, you can even hear the famous theme they used in those cartoons). However, Snafu is in for a rude awaking, learning that even Superman needs to study.

Hare Lift –1952 – Warners –Freleng

Having just robbed the last national bank, Yosemite Sam heads to the airport and confuses Bugs with a pilot. He orders the rabbit to take off, but soon realizes that being in the air with the hare, isn’t something worth experiencing. Filled with a set of funny gags, this is a treat.

High Diving Hare – 1949 – Warners – Freleng

“Due to an unfortunate delay,” Fearless Freep is unable to perform the high diving act. Mad as hell (when he is never), Yosemite Sam orders Bugs to do the act instead, but constantly finds himself on the losing end.

This cartoon is probably one of the most enjoyable Looney Tunes, and it shows one of director Friz Freleng’s better talents, his timing. Freleng was said to be something of a master of that comedic skill, and this cartoon shows. Even more impressive is the fact that he has us laughing at what is essentially the same gag (Bugs tricks Sam to walk off the diving board) over and over again. The only issue I have is its slow beginning; it takes about three minutes before Sam actually falls once. But otherwise I find this to be one of the classic Looney Tunes, maybe “the” Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam cartoon.

Bad Luck Blackie – 1949 – MGM - Avery

Okay, enough of Friz, now time for some Tex. A poor kitten is tormented by a bulldog, and then meets a black cat that will cross the pooch’s path, every time the kitten blows a whistle. What happens then is five minutes of revenge and humor as the bulldog suffers the worst of bad luck. Certainly a treat to pretty much everyone out there.

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If you're like me, you might have some interest in classic cartoon history. If so, let me point to two pieces, one by Keith Scott about the origins of Foghorn Leghorn and another by Thad Komorowski about Rhapsody Rabbit and The Cat Concerto and the controversy surrounding the two. I've read Keith's piece before years back, but Thad's is new to me, and while it doesn't change my opinion about the controversy because his conclusion was the same as mine before, both of them do their job in help clearing up confusion surrounding two parts of golden age animation that have left quite a number people misinformed. I'm glad that Jerry Beck is putting his new blog to this use since he left Cartoon Brew; in the long run, I feel it will be even more valuable.

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Parilament of Dreams by Wheller

Before I read any pony fanfiction and searched on fanfiction.net, I would check both the number of chapters and the number of words, and usually set the min word count rather high. My reasoning being that you can get more out of a longer fanfict than a shorter one. That’s not always true, but in general for fanfiction it’s actually a good guideline. More chapters are usually a good sign the writer is going for a more epic or grander story, but when the average amount words per chapter is low, it’s usual a sign the writer isn’t going put much meat into their sentences, the pacing is going to be too fast and hurt the story, and that there will be too much telling. So my standards were that the average word count per chapter had to be at least one thousand during my fanfiction.net days. Having finished Parliament of Dreams, I’m thinking of raising that to two thousand. Out of its forty-five chapters (holding eighty thousand words) only nine have above two thousand words, and only five are even above two thousand one hundred. This is pretty much detrimental to a fanfict that already had enough problems to begin with.

For example, early on, the protagonist Sparky goes to a club with her friend (supposedly, the way they acted at times made me find that hard to believe) and coworker Shortfuse, for the latter’s birthday. The chapter starts with Sparky showing off the dress to her grandma and friend, a drive to the club, one paragraph of info-dumping about what happened to Canterlot (which doesn’t turn about to be that important), and then Sparky has just one drink and passes out. My final thoughts, “You made me read seventeen hundred words just so the protagonist could have a hangover.” I’m thinking, “why not develop the relationship between the two mares, or develop the two in general, why not introduce characters that could be important later.” Such things don’t happen.

I know the above sounds like an isolated incident, and in some ways it is (although there are other parts that made think what was the point of making me read that), but really it’s a sign of what’s wrong with the fanfict in general, it’s driven far more by plot than character. The characters were pretty much flat at best, and often interchangeable, and at worst malleable puppets for the author to insert more plot (and not the ass, kind all though there is a bit of… romance, I guess is what we should call it). Shortfuse, for example, is there with Sparky for pretty much the whole story, but there are chapters with the protagonist where the character doesn’t even get a mention. Other characters also suffer, I was particularly mad about how one of the two characters who had a canon personality was handled; the way she was presented, she might as well have been an original character to begin with as I say practically no resemblance. Not to mention the characters act ridiculous (friendships are formed with basically just a talk, which like most the dialogue was painful at times), one character pretty much changed because the plot who they are as a whole because the plot required them to. All of this pretty much results from the fast pacing, and one too many characters), where there is very little time to sit down and really get to know the characters instead. These moments were fed to us, instead of allowing us to actually experience it.

I wouldn’t be surprised if even the author himself wasn’t exactly feeling it for the characters, because past the exact half-way point, he introduces another protagonist (Kelso) that operates almost completely separate path from Sparky. There is pretty much no overlap between the two until the third to final chapter. The jump in viewpoint was already jarring as is, and I don’t understand why if the author thought this other plot line was so important, to not introduce us to this other important character much earlier than he did. She wasn’t very interesting either, and neither was the plotline about her investigating Futuretec. In fact, I actually thought it was a waste of time in the end, given how it was resolved (I’ll explain it in the spoilers, but think of it like this, if that had been the only plotline, we would be yelling at how anti-climatic and in many ways unearned the victory was).

That leads to another problem, the story reads as if he was written on whim. I’m not saying nothing was planned, there are definitely parts introduced early on that turn out to be important later, but the whole plot is poorly constructed. Information is dumped on us, sometimes rather poorly (I’m going to use something spoileresque, but two pools that grant immortality are introduced randomly by this random A.I. called Mr. Happy through a legend and he (i.e. writer) does it for no reason). Other things are never explained (Mr. Happy disappears after appearing in Kelso’s storyline, and at least a hint of what he was planning to do for the next story would have been great). I was also disappointed immensely with how the cutie mark was handled. As the story makes clear, after the princesses are overthrown and killed (for very unlike show like reasons, I should add), all cutie marks disappear. Given this you would think that most would react with a great deal seeing one on someone, but besides a few early on no one does. There’s also a bit destiny crap thrown in there. I also disliked quite a bit of the world-building. I don’t mind the idea of there being different pony nations, but they basically exist as props that just get a mention or so (such as a pony Mexico and Soviet Union). It didn’t make the world seem wider, but instead more artificial (and to be honest, more un-pony like). It also contained things like guns, one of my “no-no’s” in pony fanficts.

I am now going into my spoiler or at least some things I that I should put into them.

One of the characters, Amarilla, is a rich business pony and she is kidnapped along with Sparky and her friends by the Soviet equivalent of pony nations. Given that the work states she has a reputation, I was shocked to learn that there was no indication anywhere that her disappearance was known in Equestria (she lives in pony Mexico, but still if some who of her stature was kidnapped in the real world, there would be talk of this all over). I also said that the resolution of Kelso’s and Viola’s story was terrible. That’s because they really don’t anything to earn their victory or have any consequences on the rest of the world. They finally arrest some heads at Futuretec, but only because of the evidence they gain from the crash of the spaceship that Sparky and her friends are in (which most of them miraculously survive). Given how this was, it would be wiser just to cut out that entire storyline and spare the readers because really the two cops could have stayed home and nothing would have changed.

I want to end on one final thought. When re-read my reviews and even when I’m writing them, I sometimes feel I’m being too harsh (I’m sure a number of people find my harshness to be a rather unbearable aspect of me). It probably doesn’t come through, but most fanficts I read actually leave me with a rather neutral feeling towards them. So I will be the first to admit that there are number of fanficts that are better than I make them out to be (of course, by the same token, most of those same fanficts are worse than most of the other fans make them out to be). I say this because I definitely do not feel that for this fanfict. I hated this it and believe that it is horrible, the lowest rating I am willing to give. I haven’t said anything about theme and there’s more I could have put in the spoilers, but I can’t get myself to spend more time writing about this. I only finished this because I pretty much refuse to never put down something I’ve begun reading.

So unlike pretty much every other fanfict I’ve read and written about here on blog, I can say that you should skip this. Maybe, you’ll be a wise guy and read to prove me wrong, but honestly, I’m not being mean. This is one of those fanficts that deserves the same level of harshness that I spend most of my aim for the worst episodes of the show.
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Memories of Days Long Past by Nukeiffum

I’m to give you all a bit of a heads up before I start talking about this one. First, it hasn’t been completed, and from the looks of things, it probably never will (shame). Two, because it hasn’t been completed, I did not re-read this fanfict (it’s a long one). All I did was do a skim of the chapters posted to see if I could refresh my memories of this as best as possible. In fact the only reason why I’m writing about this is because it’s been on my mind for quite some time and I wanted to collect what I could about it. Third, I will not hesitate to use spoilers anywhere in this; so if you’ve never read this fanfict, are interested in it, and think that in the highly unlikely chance it will get completed (and given that the last update said final, I’m 99.99999% sure that it will not), you can avoid this.

“"Half the Day is Night" is like Twilight, clever and intelligent but without losing its cuteness.
"Ballad" is like Pinkie Pie -- crazy and hilarious, with a huge heart.
"Memories" is like Applejack, powerful and (sometimes uncomfortably) frank.
"Fallout: Equestria" is like Rainbow Dash. Kind of violent but just plain 20% cooler.
"Dangerous Business" is like Rarity -- stylish and surprisingly deep.
And "Progress" is like Fluttershy; cute, lovable, and understated.”

-LordoftheWrongs

Ah, the days when I actually looked at the comment section for the stories (I still do for a few, but not most of them).

While Memories of Days Long Past was not amongst the first group of pony fanficts I read, it was one of the earliest I read from Equestria Daily (for some reason, I went to Tvtropes, which I had (and still do) a low opinion of, to help find some well-known pony fanfics to read and they pointed this one). As the above quote implies, it was one of the more popular fanficts of its time. I don’t think it’s too hard to see why. Memories was one of the earlier pony fanficts that really aimed to be grander than most around its time, and as far as I know, probably one of the earlier ones to really create a past for Equestria, before fanficts like Fallout: Equestria, Dangerous Business, and the like appeared, and before season 1 was even over. (Fun fact: “Fallout: Equestria” and "It’s a Dangerous Business” were posted on the same day; that was also the same day FDR died and the Confederates attacked Fort Sumter).

Nukeiffum’s story begins with Twilight getting her friends together to show them a spell she just read about that allows them to lives of their ancestor’s (if you’re familiar with Assassin’s Creed, it’s the same idea where one’s DNA is suppose to store the memories of one’s forebear and they can be accessed, and if you deviate too far from history while reliving it (like say you die), it resets itself at a certain point). Agreeing, they travel I don’t know how many years into past, and right then Memories shows how different it is from what is normal. After Twilight experiences the birth of her ancestor, Midnight Star, her mother dies in childbirth. While not graphic, it does prepare the audience that the past is not going to be pretty. Midnight is then adopted by the parents of Celestia and Luna, the king and queen of Equestria (one of a couple ideas used more commonly then but have since been discarded due to canon changes), the chapter then speeds through her childhood, until her adopted parents decide that in order to help prepare for role as future advisor, she is sent to Ponyville to make friends (the ancestor’s of Twilight’s friends).

I think we can see where this is going. It’s pretty similar to how the first episode plays, with the exception of quicker meeting between the characters, and then a pack of wolves attacking to collect tribute from to the village: in the form of live ponies. Such events are only the beginning of at times enjoyable, and times frustrating.

In a time before Discord and Hearth’s Warming Eve were introduced and changed the canon of Equestria’s past, Memories does a few things that I think are actually kind of interesting. Neither cutie marks nor magic are initially shown to exist in Equestria, and the members of the royal family are earth ponies. Because such things have long since been proven to be false, they’re at least nice to look at and they make wish that today’s fanfict writers had to this much freedom. I have to admit I’ve always had a bit of admiration for old interpretations about Equestria’s past. Not that I wish the canon be removed (I wouldn’t trade Discord for anything the fandom has produced, although I would trade a few souls for the elimination of his “murder”). There are a few other things that are also go against canon (how Applejack got her cutie mark is also different, although, parts of it were similar to what eventually happened).

Characterization from what I remember was never this fanfic’s strong point. The ancestors of the cast are more or less copies of the pony that carries their blood, so they don’t really grab your interest. Thankfully, everyone else’s characterization is from what I can skim, pretty solid (they react to the violence in the world with a great deal off shock, and it’s enough to send them out). Luna and Celestia are also hard for me to judge, but that’s mainly because of the secrets they hold. Luna is easily less mature, but she also comes across as more caring. Celestia maturity seems to come with a natural coldness to it (she knocks out Spike for one, after Twilight’s friend’s redo the spell to get their friend back, for reasons that aren’t exactly clear). If the true of the Day of Ascension and what exactly Celestia needed Twilight and her friends to relive the lives of their antecedent’s, such behavior would probably become more understandable. Sadly, such a mystery will never be answered.

Yet, those mysteries are in many ways the point. What kept one interested in Days Long Past is the overall enigma created by Nukeiffum’s world. As the story goes on, a variety of things such as the truth about Midnight’s parentage, the nature of the Goddess and praying to her, the Day of Ascension, Deneb, what exactly is worrying Celestia in the present, “the Truth”, and numerous other things are set-up to be answered later. Combined with how few supporting characters the reader can really trust as having good motives, the overall sense of mystery was rather powerful. This of course does mean there’s quite a bit of info dumping at times, but it usually becomes worthwhile.

One thing I was reminded about during my skim was the use of religion in this fanfict. Truly spiritual aspects and their role in society (as opposed to just the simple mentioning of a god or goddess) are often rare in the realm of fanfiction. Off the top of my head I can think of only “A Rose is a Rose”, “Parliament of Dreams”, and “Fallout: Equestria”, so when it shows up, it’s often worth noting and dreading, as both showed. “Memories” is perhaps rare, even in the realm of fiction, of being capable of pissing off people on both sides of the religious spectrum. On one hand, stuff such as praying actually working, talks from other species about the Goddess watching over ponykind in particular (sometimes out of envy, sometimes sneeringly like if she was the only keeping them alive, or even if she existed) and as well small bits of destiny dropped here and there, due to give a sense that religion is true, something a few wouldn’t take kindly to. On the other hand, use of prayer actually works as a drug (taking literally Marx’s description of it as the “opium of the people”), it’s more of an escape from the world as opposed to a cure for it. Combined with almost mind wiping aspect and one gets the impression that the fanfict is saying such people are ignorant children who want to avoid reality. I don’t know what path “Memories” would have gone down, but I can’t help but think quite a few people would feel their view was insulted.

I think a big part of the problem with Days Long Past is that the main plot lacks focus. The first subplot to rescue Cinnamon’s (the sister of Applejack’s ancestor) sister is more or less solid enough to at least give the reader assurance that the writer isn’t going to wander off (I always liked the part where Midnight, Skyline, and Apple Cinnamon are making an offer to trade Midnight with the wolves for the sister, but then realize they didn’t think about the other ponies taken, and are begging to be saved as well), but after that I get the feeling that Nukeiffum didn’t entirely plan how to get to his ending (his last chapters, in particular are guilty of meandering). There’s too much time spent at the castle, and very little that seems to happen to it. Granted a quest to find someone was given at the end, but by that point the fanfict had pretty much grinded to a halt, and wasn’t even started. When the plot stops, it actually weakens the power of the mysteries because they aren’t being back up something else to keep your interest (and would make a lousy re-read).

Equally problematic at times is the constant change in tones. During the journey to get Cinnamon back from the wolves, jokes are made between the characters about the perverted nature of Midnight (after they accidentally walk into a brothel) which struck me as incredibly out of place given they’re overall goal. There was also the point of view problems at times, one moment there’s a switch to first person. In an earlier chapter, we get the perspective of one of a character even though the pony who would control them is currently not using the spell.

How exactly this fanfict would have ended I really cannot say. Fanficts only get written when the writer remains interested in writing them, and even before the last release, you could tell Nuke just didn’t have it in him like he used to. It’s possible that he could have returned to what made the fanfict so interesting, but I think it’s more likely that it would have ended in a disappointing whimper.

At the end of the day I see this as a relic. Something from a time when there wasn’t as much canon, and so a writer had a lot more freedom to write. A time when longer and more epic fanficts got more attention than these days before MLD and Fimfiction.net changed that. I have a sort of nostalgia for those times, and the works back then. But they gone and are never going to come back, and all I have left are memories of days long past.
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Men with faint hearts should not go further. You have been warned.

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With season three over, the time I would spend on writing reviews and watching episodes opens itself up to a variety of possibility. I could spend more time studying, read more fanficts (and writing reviews for them), find more old cartoons for show, or find movies, books, and comics I haven’t seen. Heck I could even write my own fanficts. But no, I decided that such sane paths are not for me and decide that I need to do something that most would not. So without further ado.

I know what you’re thinking. Yes, that is one very ugly rainbow.

Now, to answer the other question, you had. Yes, I’m going to watch and review most of G1 (I’m going to skip the movie).

I’m doing this for a couple of reasons. One, G1 is bad, but not bad in the same way a bad “Frienship is Magic” episode. In the case of the latter, it hurts to watch because we know it can be good and the fact that the people behind it are trying to make it good. I don’t get that vibe from G1, I feel the people who worked on it were doing it because they really needed a job, and ultimately resigned themselves to a cartoon meant to sell a toy (which at the time, was still kind of new). Such lack of enthusiasm leads to laxity overall, with no sense of trying to get things to work.

Because of that, it leads to reason two; it’s a weird cookie cutter mess. Watching an episode, is like entering the surreal side of child’s programming, it leaves one stunned at what they just watched. Part of the reason I think is that what happened to this show is the opposite that transpired to many of the boy’s cartoons of the time. Watch an episode of G. I. Joe, He-man, or another show from the 70’s or 80’s (better yet, don’t do so) and one thing that one notices is despite all the action, violence, and explosions, how wussy it is; it doesn’t matter that the helicopter belongs to Cobra, the henchmen still needs to parachute out before it explodes, and the villain must be a comical joke that would go down if you poked him with a pillow, despite leading a semi-efficient organization. I suspect that part of the reason was that censors are more likely to pay closer attention to action cartoons than most other genres, and that kept things from becoming too violent, which is probably also why things like He-man and G. I. Joe had those morals told to the audiences at the end ("Now we know"). So if such boy’s cartoons are serious action sissified, then My Little Pony is cutesy make-believe darkened. Sure they might have tea parties, play games, do each other hairs, and eat ice cream (which is still manlier than anything G. I. Joe did) but they have to deal with baddies that kidnap little ponies, turn them to stone, or drain their life source. Unlike those boy cartoons, seeing the gloom and doom being beaten doesn’t make its audience feel empowered, I think would it scare them. And yet, it’s sunny and cheerful full of rainbows, it tries to be cute, you get the impression one is unfazed by the hell that’s happening.

And it because it’s of this mixture of dark and saccharine, so that leads to reason three, G1 begs to be made fun of it. I’m not kidding, it’s laughable at times and I expect that I’ll be able to crack some jokes at it’s expense. I admit that I’m not the funniest person in the world (and most of the jokes I’ll make are going to be bad), but as a recent survey I took showed*, most people at least think I’m funnier than Chris (who is either furrowing his eyebrows or thinking “ha ha ha, oh wait, you’re serious”).

*participants were me, myself, and the voices in my head

Now, before we go on, I should introduce….
The Scale of Children’s Cartoon Awfulness

0: Rock & Roll Space Bandits
1: “Puppy Power”
2: “Exit, Stage Left”
3: “Go, go Gadget…”
4: “Muttley, do something!”
5: “Bad day, bad day, bad day”
6: “Dorks”
7: “And now here’s something we hope you’ll really like.”
8: “U is for you and me”
9: “Let’s give it our holiday cheer”
10: “Happy Happy Joy Joy”

To understand this scale, basically the quality of this episode corresponds to what I believe the “best” of that show the quote comes from. Please realize this is a shrunk down scale and negatively weighted. Everything from zero to one is horrible, two and three are terrible, four through six are bad, seven is okay, eight is good, and nine and ten are great. Think of it like your grades, you would gladly show your parents those A’s you got and may feel comfortable with those B’s, but below that, oh boy, you don’t want them to find out.

As for all those are angry at me for pissing on one of their childhood favorites, I request you take up any and all disagreements with the complaint department.

Anyway, with the scale out the way, it’s time to start with my synopsis/review. The episode can be seen here in case you want to see it before I start talking about it because I will be using spoilers.

The opening starts pretty much as innocently. We see ponies frolicking around as the opening theme plays. This includes amongst other things, a couple of ponies jumping off a cliff (geez, I know the show isn’t looking so bright, but come on give it a chance), riding on roller skates, wishing one’s self across cliffs, flying around and then crashing into things, and….

This is the eighties, right?

Well, who am I to judge. If Applejack likes mares, that’s fine by me.

Moving on, as Twilight tries to circumnavigate a little pony’s question of why she doesn’t have wings or can use magic, hell breaks lose in the form of a storm that has all the ponies scurrying for cover. Apparently, one of them knows what this is because she refers to this being the result of horrible things known as Stratodons. Or something like that, it’s basically a combo of stratosphere and pteranodon, even though they look nothing like either.

These monsters are lead by this hairy fellow with a long muzzle, batwings, and a curly devil's tail. Because he doesn’t have a name, and he already has shown far more personality than any of the other characters (not saying much), I shall refer to him as Hank the Sasquatch. He orders the creatures to “seize them”, confirming that he went to the same school as every other Saturday morning villain (or SMV). Thankfully, that also means that he’ll be defeated before the episode is over.

As proof of his education, Hank grabs off just two ponies even though he clearly could have snagged more, and then declares before heading off, they will all be slaves to the lord of midnight castle, whose name was mentioned but I didn’t bother to remember because it sounded stupid. In response, Firefly (inspiration for Rainbow Dash and voiced by Sandy Duncan) shouts to the other ponies that she’s going to get help. Whether this means she’s going to get someone to defeat Hank or improve the script isn’t exactly clear to me.

We then cut to the creepy castle (complete with dark clouds, lightning, and gagoygles, apparently all purchased at the same store every other SMV shops) that Hank mentions and see him lock away the two ponies. We then meet this generation’s version of Spike the baby dragon. This one’s special characteristic is the fact that he sounds like someone shoved a potato down his throat and let it get stuck there. He appears to be good friends with Hank and begs to be taken along the next raid, claiming he’s good at slithering or something like that. I’m not sure who this character was meant to appeal to, but I think we can rule out people who like good comic relief.

We then see our man villain, or least part of him. This guy, called Tirek (or is it spelled Tirac), speaks in a very sinister echoing voice that actually is rather scary, or maybe it’s the fact he fondles this bag of his that moves around like something alive was inside it. Either way, the guy is starting to creepy me out. He then calls out his henchman for only getting two ponies, when he needs four to pull his chariot of darkness by midnight. Sheesh, the guy has plenty of those dragon things, but for some reason he needs ponies to do the pulling. Maybe it’s a formality.

Hank (whose real name is revealed, but I’m going to stick with the other name because it’s easier to spell) shows his loyalty by speaking in a disrespectful tone to his master, showing that he doesn't really want to capture ponies. I’d feel sorry for the guy, given that he’s probably too good for this show but I already used what little sympathy I had on myself for having to watch this.

We then cut to what is probably Earth, and meet the audience surrogate called Meghan. She rescues Firefly after the later falls into the well. How the pegasus got here is never clear to me, but honestly, I don't think we're suppose to notice. Its here that both show off their dumbness, first with the pegasus telling Meghan to hop on, thinking that this little girl who will then spends most of the duet the two have saying how she’s not special (again surrogate) is going to help beat Tirek and Hank. Seriously, was Firefly planning to take the first living thing she found back to the pony’s castle as help? What if she happened upon a turtle or a parrot or worse one of the leading politicians of the day? This is the 80’s, I’m sure anyone of that decade’s big stars like Sylvester Stallone, Micheal Jackson, or Freddie Mercury would happily help (and admit it, you all want to see Rambo on a pony). In any case they would be far more useful than Meghan.

The other dumbness comes from Meghan who agrees to hop on this talking equine she just met two minutes ago and then asks her to help her without explaining what the problem is, despite some reluctance. I mean how many here would actually hop on Firefly’s back? Actually do not answer that, I have a feeling that the majority of people would hop on.

But in the end Meghan agrees to go on especially after she finishes singing a duet with Firefly about “dancing on air.” I guess this confirms that the two of them have developed some sort of bonding. It’s a very unexiciting sequence to be honest, certainly compared to what comes later. I admit that Sandy Duncan is a pretty good singer so the song isn’t as terrible as it sounds, but who ever is voicing Meghan is not working for me.

Returning back to Ponyland, Firefly shows off Meghan to the rest of the ponies. And instead of getting mad for not bringing Bruce Willis, they are jumping for joy. Geez, if this was the peanuts gang, they would have called out Firefly for being stupid, and then wave their arms around to turn Meghan into Mr. T. Come to think of Charlie Brown would probably like to come here.

The celebration is then cut short by the return of Hank and the hellspawn (soon to come out with their first album). One of the flying dragon things grabs Meghan, while two others nab a pony (including a little one called Amber). Firefly manages to get one of them to drop Meghan, who’s fall is stopped by Hank. The beast safely deposits the girl to the ground and tells her to leave for it “is not your fight.” She then waves her arms in the air and calls the guy a “beast” all while throwing a temper. Clearly she’s upset that she’s not good enough to be captured. I know I would be.

Back at Midnight Castle, we finally get to see Tirek’s appearance. The guy looks like a cross between a devil and a centaur with a really bad case of sunburn. Which come to think of it, is probably the reason why he wants to bring about eternal night (because he yet to tell me any other motive). Hey loser, it’s called sunscreen, you can buy it at the store.

Tirek is angry (it seems to be the only emotion he's capable of displaying) that Hank captured a pony that is too small to pull his chariot, and orders his reptilian guards (hired at the same agency where every other SMV get theirs) to take her away. He then opens his bag and unleashes the “power of darkness” (called so because the writer couldn’t think of a more cliché name), which turns the other three ponies into these huge dragon things. Again, why he specifically needs ponies to do the pulling, I don’t know. He then tells Hank that he has to bring him a fourth pony by midnight or else Spike’s head will roll. At this point I really have to question if he’s really a bad guy. I mean yes, he ordered the kidnapping of ponies, yes he turned them into dragons, and yes, he wishes to bring about eternal night, but he also just threatened to kill Spike, and I think I speak for all the ears of the world when I applaud this guy.

We then cut back to Meghan and four ponies (Firefly, Twilight, Applejack, and this blue one who hasn’t been given a name) crossing a very rickety bridge over some very dangerous waters. They’re off to find someone called the Moochick, whose magic powers supposedly will help them. Why Firefly didn’t go to him in the first place, I will never know (then again, I don’t understand why she doesn’t just fly to the other side instead of walking on the bridge). However, Applejack slips off the bridge and falls into the water (either that or she just gave up, the animation does not help here); Meghan jumps in to save her and both are then swallowed by a giant clam. However, a heavenly light then shines down on the clam as the two begin to hear the voice of god.

"Shoo-bee-doo shoo-shoo-bee-doo"

Seaponies!!!! This is probably the highlight of the whole episode. It’s a nonsensical sequence where a bunch of mutant seahorses dance while singing this song to “call upon the seaponies, when you’re in distress.” One moment this trio has oars in their fins and then poof they disappear. The next moment they’re doing these spins and twirls and their tails. We see more synchronized dancers join in them popping out of nowhere and in shells, and then we see a bunch of identical ones move across the screen as if they were one an assembly line. The whole thing is so surreal that I had to watch a second time to see if I could make sense of it or what purpose it really serves, which ultimately failed (to be honest, neither Meghan or Applejack could make sense of it). But damn it I enjoy it, and I probably would enjoy this episode a lot more if it was just this for the whole length. It’s the only thing in this cartoon, so far, that’s actually buoyant and bubbly. And that song is so darn catchy. Maybe next week, I should post a karaoke version of myself singing it.

They then send Applejack and Meghan back to the surface, giving them a shell to call for their help when they need it. Even with all the danger going on, the seaponies remain remarkably upbeat. It actually is starting to give me hope for this cartoon, where the writing is incredibly cliché and none of the characters besides Hank have shown any personality.

Meghan and her posse then head deeper into the woods and then find some gigantic mushrooms that start to shrink down in size. I wonder if they had fallen down a rabbit hole somewhere off-screen. The weirdness doesn't stop, for this is field of mushrooms home to the moochick, a gnome with a big green hat that when turned around looks like a mushroom, when he plants his wand in the ground it creates a mushroom, and acts like he just ate a few mushrooms. To top off the strangeness, he’s voiced by Tony Randall.

The moochick says that to beat Tirek, they need to steal his “Rainbow of Darkness” and to do that they need a rainbow of their own, “a Rainbow of Light.” Apparently, power comes in the form of rainbows. I guess this Firefly why didn’t bring Steven Segal, she knew that 80's badasses would be useless in this kind of setting. Come to think of it, they're pretty much useless in almost any kind of setting.

However, the moochick has forgotten where he put his last one and spends the next few minutes singing about all the places where he possibly could have left his “little piece of rainbow”, while searching. It’s not on the same level as the seapony sequence in terms of bizarreness, but it’s still pretty high (get it), because we see this gnome cast his magic (he turns a feather duster into a peacock and then casually tosses it) and making a mess of his place and his garden while ignoring his rabbit friend. Meghan, Applejack, Twilight, Firefly, and the nameless one, also try to help but are unsuccessful. Once the song is over and the moochick gives up, it turns out the rabbit had the rainbow… in his pants. Don’t worry Mr. Randall, I wouldn’t have looked there myself.

Meghan and the four ponies, including the one without a name, head towards Midnight Castle, which is surrounded by rough waters. This causes Meghan to throw the shell into the water to summon the sea ponies to get them across. As usual, the seaponies are unfazed by the dangers around them. If only we were all this cheerful.

However, they are spotted by a reptilian guard, who goes to inform Tirek, who is in the middle of chastising Hank, reminding him of what will happen to Spike. Tirek becomes happy at the news, but it is soon replaced with anger as Hank has left his presence and he shouts his name. At this point you have to wonder why the heck he even bothered with such a disobedient henchman and didn’t go out himself to kidnap ponies. I mean the sky becomes dark every time his dragons attack, so obviously his sunburn wouldn’t be a problem. Did the school he went to teach him and every other SMV that a henchman whose loyalty to you is based on nothing but threats and making them do all the work is a requirement for whatever cliché goal you’re trying to achieve? Clearly something must be done.

Meghan and her pony friends are busy trying to find where the heck they are in the castle, during which Applejack falls beyond and is grabbed by a guard (but doesn’t scream for help). Granted, I don’t even know what exactly her friends could have done. They didn’t bring any weapons besides the rainbow of light, and… you know, this was a pretty stupid idea. Just walk into the castle with almost no plan, or real method of self-defense.

Finally, Meghan and her friends find the throne room (and also just notice Applejack is not with them). Tirek greets them and turns the captured Applejack into one of those dragon with his rainbow of darkness. Hank then pops up (having officially switched sides), and knocks out a few guards and gets the other ponies and Meghan out of the room. They finally, end up on the roof, where Hank and the ponies just causally walks (I kid you not, god the animation sucks here) on to it (despite all numerous guards that were following them), and the tower behind them explodes, and out pops Tirek, on his chariot of darkness wielding his rainbow of darkness to bring about eternal night… and darkness. What is with these villains and darkness? Be original, can we have at least one villain whose theme is sunshine or lollipops, I mean more people get cancer from the sun than from the moon (and you don’t believe lollipops are evil, trying get one stuck in your hair).

Hank tries to stop his former master, but Tirek backhands him and then hits him with the bag, sending him to the ground where he conveniently lands on some hay that was left up there. Hank is ready to give up, but Meghan isn’t ready to and she jumps on Firefly. They fly around the chariot and Meghan slaps the bag out the tight grip of an oblivious Tirek. The blue pony (who we finally learn is named Bow Tie, from Spike, even though he’s never met her before, must have learned it off-screen) catches it and the ponies play a game of keep-away with the guards. At one point, Twilight is cornered, but instead of moving to get her as she wishes herself away (which involves her saying the words “I wish” constantly), the guards remain motionless (either because they’re too stupid or because animators were not paid enough to do so). Tirek finally gets his rainbow back shouting that he has the power (wrong cartoon bozo), causing Meghan to release their own rainbow. Man this is going to be awesome. This is going to be….

Wah-Wah Wah-Waaahhhh. Seriously, this is the rainbow of light (it’s the glowing thing above by Firefly and Spike). How the heck is that suppose to help. It basically shoots out and floats around like a feather. At this point, I’m surprised nobody shouted “we're all going to die.” Tirek then releases his rainbow to attack the other one.

Thankfully for the ponies, the rainbow of light manages to overpower the rainbow of darkness and increases in size. It surrounds Tirek and then starts to undo all the magic he cast. This includes turning the ponies back to their original form, the guards and other dragons (minus Spike) into butterflies and bluebirds, and the whole castle into a tree and its surroundings a happy meadow. Tierek also gives one final scream as he his defeated, just like every other SMV.

Everyone somehow ends up on the ground instead of the top of the tree, and then Hank turns back into his true form, a human prince with very ugly mustache. Thankfully, the writers wanted a happy ending for the girls at home, so Meghan doesn’t transform into a princess and marry this guy.

Of course to end it all, we need one more humorous bit before wrapping up, supplied to us by a butterfly that tickles little Amber’s nose, causing her to sneeze and fall into the stream and splashing the same pony she did in the opening. Everyone laughs it. Hooray.

We then get the credits and see Meghan taken home by Firefly. Believe or not, when I first say this episode, the biggest WTF moment came when I say this.

Don’t see why. Well, if you paid any attention to those credits in the Looney Tunes I showed you, you would recognize Gerry Chiniquy’s name. Chiniquy was an animator for Freleng for a long time (41-50 and 54-63), and for a while even a director during the last few years (not a very good one, though). Tom Ray also worked as an animator for McKimson during the late fifties and early sixties. I don’t know if Nelson Shin has a Looney Tune connection, but I do know that Milt Gray was one of the key people for early animation history, he interviewed a number of those veterans about their time in the golden age. It’s just sad to see such people work on this.

Overall:

There are a lot of problems. The characters have pretty much no personality besides Hank (and even his is problematic; what’s keeping him to follow Tirek’s orders if it seems like he could take Spike with him and leave), the plot is messy and poorly paced, the designs of the ponies are hard to look at, and the animation is pretty weak. However, I think an interesting way to do this is to compare this to the pilot of FIM. Both of them involve a villain that wishes to bring about eternal night, it involves the ponies traveling to look for a plot device of a generic good word that blasts rainbows and purifies things, and a battle at a dark castle.

For FIM’s episode, the ponies actually have a personality (those extra twenty minutes were well spent), unlike in Midnight Castle where they might have one or two traits. By the end of just the first episode I could probably write a few sentences describing the characters. Not something I could do with Midnight Castle. Even though I’m not a fan of how Twilight grows (it always felt rather forced to me), I can safely say she’s a different person (or pony) at the end, you just can’t do that for Meghan, her equivalent).

In addition, it’s easier on the eyes; the designs are actually nice to look at (they’re not in my tops, I’m not to big on that level on cuteness). Plus, FIM feels distinct in terms of style. Flash is easy to go generic for, but the look here just sticks out as being unique. Midnight Castle always looked like any other cartoon from the 80’s. Plus, the humor is better. I don’t think it’s one of the shows funnier episodes, but at least I’m laughing with the show, instead of at it. Plot construction is also better. We learn about the elements instantly, so unlike the rainbow, they don’t come across as just something the writer pulled out when they needed to. And this should also be obvious, but I really like the lack of humans. I feel Meghan gets in our way of identifying with the ponies because she is a human like us. Twilight, even though she’s the main character, doesn’t do that for me.

Now for Midnight Castle, the biggest advantage is the seaponies, without a doubt. The whole oddness that is their song and dance number draws me in anytime. By just being there, seaponies make everything better. I would also say that the whole bit with Tony Randall’s character works as well, for the same reason. So, yeah I think the songs are better here as well (we only had Pinkie’s song, and quite frankly, I don’t care for it). Now, I a lot of people are going to disagree with me on this, but I personally think Tirek is a better villain than Nightmare Moon. Yes, Nightmare Moon actually had a motive (jealous and lack of attention) for bringing about nighttime eternal unlike Tirek, and she actually has a good side (Luna), but she also incredibly inconsistent in her evil. One moment, she destroys the cliff the ponies are on, but when Rainbow turns down her offer she doesn’t zap her with lightning (or the bridge for that matter), but instead just oozes away. Plus, like Dick Dastardly, she doesn’t rush to the castle like she should beat them to the elements (which she could), but instead lays traps. In this sense you feel like she’s more of a creature of the plot than an actually villain. I don’t get that from Tirek, he’s cliché and an idiot as well, but his threats and actions seem to match the situation a lot better and to be honest he’s still more original than NM (who I’ve described as the result of a four-way between him, Maleficent, Dick Dastardly, and a horse). He also has a better voice, it’s actual meant to terrify you unlike Nightmare Moon’s. I’m not saying he’s a good villain, believe me he sucks, but he is a better villain. I think as final note, Midnight Castle also never felt like a wielder of a rubber mallet. When I watch the second episode, I get annoyed at the obviousness of seeing the ponies show their elements (sometimes in very forced situations) and I feel it pounds the whole friendship aspect as well (particularly when Twilight lectures Nightmare Moon). I don’t see a moral in Midnight Castle, other than maybe believe in yourself and others (even if they are mushroom gnomes) and you can accomplish anything, but I’d rather not have a moral than have one bashed over my head.

I do think Rescue from Midnight Castle is better than the second episode by itself, mainly because most of the really bad stuff for the FIM pilot was in the second episode. But when I look at the pilot with both episodes, I see FIM come out in the lead. Granted both of them have major problems, I find the pacing to be equally bad in both (for FIM, my reasoning is that the first episode is really nothing more than exposition and I think it suffered from wanting to end on a cliffhanger). But in the end, I’d rather watching something with actual characters than something with a few parts that amusing for their weirdness.

At the end of the day, I think Midnight Castle is a pretty weak episode, and scores a “Bad Day, Bad Day, Bad Day” on The Scale of Children’s Cartoon Awfulness.

Rating: