Story Approved: "Here In My Room" by Crash Jet · 7:31pm Feb 24th, 2013
SCORE: 96%
Inspired by Incubus' song 'Here In My Room.'
Soarin' throws a forced formal party to impress the noble ponies of Canterlot, and hates every minute of it. But when the rainbow-maned mare he's longed to see once again arrives unannounced, he'll be treated to a night he'll not soon forget.
WARNING: There are suggestive and some adult themes in this story, but it's not what I would consider a straight up 'clopfic.' I'll leave it to your own imagination when you reach that point.
Teen
Synopsis (with spoilers)
Soarin' the Wonderbolt finds himself hosting one of the things he hates: formal parties. The outfits, the wealth, the boosting of their reputations -- they were all phonies, and none of it was enjoyable, as this 'party' was supposed to be. But it all changes when an unexpected guest, a mare, comes into the party. Soarin' remembers her from the Cloudsdale Flying Competition, and soon finds himself talking to her. Things even take a better turn when he finds himself in his bedroom with her in an . . . intimate situation. After the "best night of their life", Soarin' confesses his love to her, and asks for his name, only to get the reply, “I’ll tell you my name… when you come find me…”
Soarin' finds himself waking up in his house. Yet again, it was only another dream. But it was one that he wished he would see; he just wanted to see that mare again.
Until that day comes, he would always keep a special place for her in his dreams.
Overview
106 followers. Come on, guys, this man deserves recognition.
This feels like a gem on a deserted island, with only up to 153 favorites and 123 likes. And there are many unique things about it:
1) It's from the POV of Soarin. I have seen none of that in the longest time.
2) The feel that it's open-ended. The author gives you a chance to let your imagination run, in both the middle and the end of the story -- and while that usually is a bad thing, it somehow worked out really good in this story.
3) The whole story basically happens within a dream. While we don't learn that until the end, it gives us an inside look inside Soarin's mind that you would not be able to see in any usual plot-line. You can also infer many things about him and his idea of "the mare of his dreams." Literally.
4) Cliffhanger ending. That just begs for a sequel (and apparently, DJ GarV the Expert is going to do one at some point, or so it says on his page). I could actually see this as a three-shot (I don't know what you'd call it; something like that), with the second being Rainbow Dash having a similar, yet different dream, and the third being when they actually meet.
Another thing I like about the story is that it was inspired by a song -- Here In My Room by Incubus. I happen to love Incubus and all their albums, so it is received with much praise from me.
And unlike the average story, I can picture every single scene in the story, unlike in cases when the scene is unrealistic, over-dramatic, or fuzzy.
The only thing I'm going to complain about is . . . errors with punctuation and capitalization, and a little bit of a format/storytelling issue. C'mon, I'm having a hard time deciding what to pick on here.
“So… I’d get to be the first.” She said, her grin returning.
It should be, "'So... I'd get to be the first,' she said, her grin returning." I'm nitpicking, but it's for future reference.
Another thing is just a format/storytelling issue.
“If it was… you’re very handsome for your age then…” She said with a slight laugh. Soarin’ had to look away to cover his slight blush. Both from her compliment and the tone of her soft laughter he was graced to hear.
“So… how about a little about yourself?” He enquired as he turned to face her again.
I have a little rule for storytelling/format, and it goes something like this: "If an action is made at the end of a dialogue, it should only be about the person who just spoke. If there is a person about to speak that does something, it usually goes with the paragraph in which s/he speaks in." For the example above, every reaction of Soarin's should be on the line where he speaks -- doesn't matter where on that line/paragraph, as long as it makes sense and flows well.
Final Score: 96%.
