Life Update · 7:22am Feb 27th, 2023
It's been a while since one of these.
To those who wish to know, I'm doing as well as I can be considering, well, everything. Overall, stuff still sucks, but I'm managing. I'm still making discoveries about myself - recently I found out I may have some form of ADHD, which honestly explains so damn much.
My room has always been a mess and would always turn back into a mess despite my efforts to clean it. I believe I've made it better by making things simpler, by placing stuff I need in easily reachable places where I will not forget to put it back once done. I got rid of a lot of things that simply cluttered my surroundings too. Like, for me, if I see a thing just lying around, I may think 'I need to do something about that', and that is unbelievably exhausting when there's a lot of such things. Living where I do doesn't really help - my parents, though mostly my mom, keep a bunch of stuff they don't need and will never use, and that almost physically presses on me. When I eventually move out, I will be living in a minimalist space. Not, like, just "get rid of everything and own nothing" kind of thing like minimalism can be if taken to the extreme by people who don't exactly understand it, but... being thoughtful of what I own. I hardly need tens of various vases and cups and plates and whatever filling every available cupboard and whatnot. My mom says they look good, but I very much disagree. They collect dust, they are a visual uncomfortable clutter, and I am not looking forward to dealing with all of that in the eventuality that will be my parents' passing.
Aside from my room, my mind has always been... odd. I couldn't really sit down and focus unless I liked doing what I did, I don't perform particularly well under real-world pressure, and my thoughts tend to jump all over the place, and so I end up doing this or that or another thing. I believe this contributed to my long writing hiatus, so yeah.
In the end, I am not officially diagnosed with ADHD, but I do believe there's something there. I am not on any kind of medication either, though I do wonder if it will help.
I just keep making new discoveries about myself, don't I? First, it was the fact that I am pansexual. That was easy enough despite some internalized homophobia. Second, it was the fact that I am non-binary. That's a bit harder, because I am only know of one thing for certain, and that being that I'm more comfortable with an enby identity than any other, and I'd like for people to refer to me as they/them because that feels right. I don't think I have any body dysphoria, at least not to an uncomfortable degree, but I would like to look a bit different to fit my inner self - and I am working towards that.
I can certainly say that it's all a bit of a mess. I wonder how much better my life would be if I knew all of that sooner. Knowing - or, at the very least, very strongly suspecting - that I have ADHD is like a mountain off my shoulders. Now I know it's not a personal flaw of mine that I can't do certain things or that some things are more difficult for me than for many other people. I know that I am not lazy. I do lack some discipline, but that couldn't explain everything.
So yeah. Life is going as well as it could be with all those discoveries. I've no idea where I will eventually be, though, even less certain than before, and that is... something.
im glad to hear you doing better