~ ~ ~ ~ they/them
eiiiiieiiiieee I adore you all, my followers! hugs for all, from Doodl3rI persevered. (insanity ramble!) · 9:14am Dec 20th, 2022
Lately I've been going off the deep end and spiraled further into unhealthy habits to which I really don't want to get into. After almost a month of trying to clear my head and heal from my mental decline, I pushed through the negative thoughts and now I'm alright... for now. Fair warning, I will ramble nonsensically. Maybe. Yes! Perhaps? This is what happens when I write without a script. Is it strange to write WITH a script? Who knows! I must address a few issues I have with myself. This blog is just me being fearful of my mental illness. So so so you know about my many issues. For starters, I want to be recognized and adored! And I want these stories I write to be shared. However, they're not worth sharing. I write shitty itty bitty fics. Few comments, if ever. And few likes with mostly dislikes.
Good! But, baaad! That means I'm unimpressionable. Unimpressionable? Is that right? Basically, I feel I'm being stared at. It's like doing a ballet performance in front of a crowd but afterwards, you only hear coughing. No claps. No BOOS. Silence. Yeahh I do get the occasional interaction but did you know, for a matter of a fact, that red indicator near the bell brings me pure joy. Even replies to my comments fill me with glee. I want to be noticed but I... Don't want to talk to anyone. And that is the most puzzling hell of being a fanfic author ever. I tried meeting people and I have! But it hurts to be in the middle of their friendship group. What I mean is, they're supporting eachother’s fics and art and caring for those around them. It's so heartwarming. I can't have that. And never will. Is what I would be telling myself but I do have hope. My damaged and twisted mind craves the heartache and abuse I put myself through just for acknowledgment. It's not about me.
yes, I am not mentally well. I am so not okay that I convince myself everything IS ok. I hurt myself by the daily by wanting this emotionally draining cycle of checking to see if anyone has given me attention. Do you understand? I hope so because I don't even know what I'm on about. I don't want anyone to talk to me but I want my work to be known and cared aout? Maybe? It's so confusing! Ok, wow, this looks like I'm putting on an act.
Not crying for help. You do not need to comfort me! I am ok! Not an act! This is written a little bit for myself. I don't even read these. I don't even read my own fics that much. I'm nothing. I'm nothing! I can write my mentally depraved stories driven all by my isolation... eventually. If people get attracted to my stories later I'll be a little upset. Being allured by the withering mind of someone. Sounds a little rude. Nonetheless, I am sorry if this concerns you. I'll be alright. Alcohol tastes strange but it makes me feel a little alert and bubbly? But also depressed at times? I can feel myself being sad although it's like I am having a grand time. The last fic I wrote involves drinking. Don't do it, it's not as fun or comforting as advertised. I don't dwell to much doing that! I swear. I should stop, actually.
Moving on, I think I should stop staring at that damn bell. It's making things worse. I just Ivwant want I just want to leave a footprint or something on the internet. And I think I need to not worry about... well... exactly that and just write/draw regardless of how many care. But it's so hard to just be myself when everywhere I reside, a discord server, someone has the level of fame I dream of. But I don't dream of it? Again, I'm not mentally there!
Must end this blog. I see my follower count and think “Why.” I see likes on my fics and think that also. It's more of a “why” as in, “Why am I getting positive attention.” That voice of doubt. But I want to be adored and well known. It's so difficult explaining this mental struggle to... whoever reads this. My mind want to scream “help” but I want to be left alone. I shoo off everyone. I'm nothing.
"And I think I need to not worry about... well... exactly that and just write/draw regardless of how many care."
When you're sober again, this is the only quote that will matter. You won't be comfortable with attention until you're comfortable with the level of craft you put into your work. And that is entirely individual. You can aspire to write as well as others do, and figure out how to do it to your tastes, but aspiring to do it BECAUSE you think it will get you attention scatters your forces. Decide what you want to do. You can get attention and interaction by leaving nice compliments on others' work. You don't need to write to have friendships. If you get attention for a piece and it waters down your devotion to writing, decide on a focus--attention from others, or writing?