I'm going to post my review of your fan-fiction here, so it doesn't get lost in all the negativity on the story page. Don't let the haters scare you. Unfortunately, a small segment of people on this site like to jump on new authors and post insulting comments. There are many more people willing to help, but they tend to be a little slower to respond.

When it comes to your story, you do need a proofreader (someone who looks over your story for errors). Having misspelled words in your title sadly causes some people to down-vote your fiction without even reading the story. In general, you need to capitalize names. Fluttershy is one word, as is Applejack. Your time shifts and perspective shifts are too abrupt. You need to smooth it out a little. For example, you don't need to give a precise measure of how much time has passed. There is too much dialogue here. Add more detail to the story. Remember, unlike the show, readers don't have a visual to look at. You have to work harder to describe what is going on. The censoring is odd. Either put the curse word in, or find a substitute. Otherwise, it just disrupts the pace. Another key thing is to have a cover picture. Even if it's something only faintly related to your story, you need to put something up. Humans are attracted to visuals, it's just the way we're wired. However, it is advisable not to use an oddly colored original character. People don;t react well to ponies that look a lot different from the ones seen in the show.

My advice is to take this story down, go over it a bit, and then put it back up. There are groups on the site who can help you with your work, such as Proofreaders and People willing to Proofread, Proofreading Prereading and Editing, or Author Support. I myself am not an expert proofreader, but I'll help if I can. Take my thumb and my support for your future endeavors. Don't give up! I intend to start a group that doesn't allow hate, if you'd like to join me.