Strong Shield could only watch in wonder as to how and when his friend had learned to speak “The Melody.” like the changelings called their weird tongue, but the chirping and clicking sound that his companion made seemed to calm down the Changeling.

“So what did he want?” asked Strong Shield when his friend had returned.

“Well I’m not quite sure, either he want us to go help him blow up his wife in the coffee shop over there, or he want us to go help her,” he answered hesitantly.

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"Yeah? Well look at you!" pointed Trixie. "You're the most physically fit pony Trixie has ever seen! Not skin and bones, not disgusting bulging muscles, just enough to show that you're strong and possibly agile. You probably trip over all the mares piled up to your hooves on a daily basis!"

"You really think so?" smirked the stallion.

"Of course Trixie thinks so! If it isn't for Trixie's amazing self-control, Trixie would have you right here, right now and in any hole!" exclaimed Trixie.

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“Well, it’s the little things,” she sighed. “So why did you seem upset when I told you?”

“Surprise,” I lied with a shrug.

Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “Aqua says you’re lying.”

“Aqua’s never seen a human before me, Twilight. She’s going to get my mannerisms confused.”

“Were you lying?”

“Of course not.” Her horn lit up. “God fucking dammit.”

“So why were you angry when I told you?” she asked again.

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“...Alright.” We were silent for a few seconds before I said, “I hate standing around like this. Name a topic.”

“Mares,” one guard immediately said.

“That’s a topic I can get behind,” the other one replied with a smirk. And so the three of us shot the shit about women while we waited. It was interesting.

Diaries of a Madman
By whatmustido

My next guest was the naga, a thin smile on his face. Taya wasn’t in my room at the moment, busy doing something or another. “I have something for you, Cain,” he announced, slithering inside. I gasped at what I saw. “Yes, it’s glorious. And just in time, too; you need protein.”

I nodded and started tasting the naga’s sausage as soon as he got close enough. “Mmm, I missed this so much. And it’s nice and juicy!”

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I heard Doppel moving around a lot down in my shirt. I looked down to see that she was eyeing the candy. “Bring that closer,” she said. I moved the cloth over to her and she tilted her head at it, looking somewhat confused. “Um. I don’t know how to tell you this Nav, but I think that filly has a crush on you.”

“Why do you say that?” I asked, sucking on the candy cane.

“I can feel lust emanating from these. And from that candy cane, now that I think about it.”

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“I don’t know yet,” I answered with a shrug. I was going to say more but my door slammed open and a very irate looking Rarity stormed in. “Sup, Marshmallow?”

“Don’t you ‘sup marshmallow’ me!” she raged.

“Taya, activate cuteness!”

Taya hopped on my lap and curled up, peeking out of her little filly ball with big, watering eyes. “You… you aren’t gonna hurt my daddy, are you?” Her voice cracked on the word daddy.

“That’s cheating! You stop protecting that… that human!”

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New idea. From time to time I'll make a quote. Enjoy.

"Hey! I don't have a cold heart. I don't even have a heart".

I just shook my head as Taya hopped down and we began following Doppel again. “So how many kids does this place teach?” I asked.

“There aren’t any goats in the hive,” Doppel answered.

“How many fucking changelings, then?”

“None of our teachers have sex with the students.”

“Fine, fuck it. I didn’t care anyway.”

Diaries of a Madman
By whatmustido

“I would like to say hello to Luna, but I do need to get back. The sooner the better.”

“Are you trying to avoid somepony, Nav?” Pinkie asked.

“…No? I’m trying to get home so I can—You know what, fuck it. If you don’t send me back, I’m jumping out the next window and flying back.”

“If you’re going to be that way, fine, you can miss Pinkie’s party.”

“Oh man, I’m getting to go home and I get to miss a Pinkie Party? Fuck yeah, Christmas came early!”

Diaries of a Madman

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