Special Illumination

by ponichaeism

CHAPTER XXV: Up-and-Downer (Upadana)

The true philosopher does not fear death, Starswirl reassured himself, only that his death will have no meaning.

Over the wizard, the herbalist's age-worn face loomed and obscured the lantern light as he held the poisoned cup out. The wizard braced himself against the bitter taste as he drank. It coldly seared its way down his throat and settled heavily in his stomach. At that moment, far too late to do anything, he realized he did fear death, and in his fevered moments his frenzied deeper mind accused him of fabricating the moment he had touched the infinitude of the Harmony those seven long years ago to trick it.

That's just your inner self desperately clutching onto its own paltry existence.

The herbalist removed the cup from Starswirl's mouth and watched the wizard shuddering on the dirt floor.

"This is an outrage," Carmine meekly protested.

"You shut your mouth, unicorn," Orrin sneered. "You're lucky I ain't putting you on trial, too."

Starswirl moaned as his eyes unfocused themselves and blurred his vision. He tried to lift his head off the ground but his mutinous muscles were not keen on obeying the commands issuing from his mind.

"Tea," he said hoarsely.

The wizard was sure the herbalist would know that tea would stop the hemlock's effects and speak up, but the herbalist backed away and made room for Carmine to approach. The Roanan flicked his eyes to Orrin, who reluctantly nodded, then rushed forward and held the cup up to Starswirl's mouth. The wizard relished the scalding tea as it hit his tongue and flowed down his throat.

"Thank you," he croaked. "May I have a word with Carmine?"

"Go right ahead," Orrin Tin said.

Starswirl waited for him, Ettin, and the herbalist to leave, but not a one of them appeared ready to leave.

"Alone?"

"Ha!" Orrin said. "Fat chance."

Starswirl leaned close to Carmine. "You must believe me, I didn't tell Clover to follow me into the forest."

"It's alright, I believe--"

The wizard lowered his voice. "But about his town, I know how dis-illusioned you must be with it."

Carmine cocked his head. "What are you on about?"

"The illusion you seek, that all of us seek," Starswirl repeated swiftly, "it's about to--"

"I don't understand. What illusion?"

Orrin Tin laughed. "Listen to that there unicorn, speaking in riddles so tricky not even another unicorn can understand him! Go on, Carmine, that's enough. Now you git."

The Roanan wavered between leaving the room and defying Orrin by standing his ground, but made no firm commitment either way until the brawny Ettin made the choice for him by dragging him to his feet and shoving him towards the ajar oaken door. Carmine put the cup of tea on a crate, gave Starswirl one last parting glance, and hurried out.

"How's he doing?" Orrin asked.

The herbalist pulled Starswirl's back left leg out and pinched the cannon just above his hoof with his own hooves.

"Can you feel that?" he asked.

As Starswirl pushed through the shroud of sedation descending over him and asked his body whether it actually he did feel the pinch, it informed him that he did. The wizard nodded sluggishly.

"If'n the hemlock were going to do anything permanent it would've happened by now," the herbalist said. "So's I reckon it's safe to take the manacles off."

"Now wait just a minute," Orrin said. "I'd like to test that first. You hear me, Starswirl?"

"Y-yes."

"If you really ain't got the magic in you, then you won't be able to stop me kicking you, will you?"

Starswirl knew he would have to take the blow to keep up appearances. He put out a few sparks from his horn to appear like he was making an effort while he braced himself for the blow. Orrin kicked him firmly in the stomach, making him curl up and try to keep the contents of his stomach down.

"I'm satisfied," Orrin said lightly. "Ettin, you can go ahead and get those off him."

Ettin picked up the key with his teeth, walked over to Starswirl, and bent down to undo the padlocks. Once they'd fallen off of him, Starswirl groaned and tried to stretch his shaking, quickly numbing limbs.

"Let's go, stallions," Orrin said.

The mining magnate led the other two ponies out, sparing a single disgusted glance back, then slammed the door shut on the wizard.

With great effort, Starswirl managed to roll himself up until he sat on his hindquarters, then planted his hooves on the ground and pushed himself up until stood on his hooves. He focused all his mental efforts on stopping his legs quivering, but a gray pall blanketed his eyes and made discerning which direction was which all the more difficult. He stumbled into the shelves and leaned against them, ignoring the assorted knick knacks he knocked over as he groped for support. He blinked heavily to wipe away the sheen of speckled black dots spreading across his eyes like a starfield in reverse, but they kept spreading. He braced himself and lunged for the crate that still had the steaming cup of tea sitting atop it, but tripped over a clump of dirt on his way and fell to his knees. He then slumped forward and bashed his head on the crate's side. Raising one wobbly foreleg up, he hooked it over the crate and hauled himself up until he could drape his forelegs over the top. He didn't trust his shaking hooves, so he took the rim of the tea cup in his mouth, threw his head back, and let the piping hot liquid rush down his gullet. He ignored the burning until it was all in his stomach, then opened his jaws while whipping his head to the side. The cup smashed against the wall.

Starswirl rolled over, put his back against the crate, and slumped to the ground. He concentrated on his breathing and pushed everything else from his mind. If the world without would not suffice, he would have to search within.

"Hello, Starswirl...."

Squeezing his eyes shut, he thought, No, not now.

He felt a gentle hoof touch his chin behind his beard and tilt his head up. He kept his eyes firmly sealed against the illusion and attempted to sail away on the currents of the cosmic energy flowing through the physical world.

"Why won't you talk to me, Starswirl....?"

"Because you're not really here," he said.

"Is that so? Why not open your eyes and see for yourself."

Sighing, he thought, I must not run from him. I must confront his illusions.

He opened his eyes and beheld Mareco Polo smiling warmly down at him. In his feeble state, he tried to shy away from her face, for hers was a face from his memory, wholly unburdened by the past ten years.

"You're the stallion," he said, although his deeper mind lent his voice an uncertain quality. "You're the sorcerer I'm seeking."

"No, no, no, I'm right here, Swirl," she said reassuringly as she tapped her hoof gently on his forehead. "I've always been here for you. All you had to do was find me."

"I can't say how you're capable of this, conjuring illusions outside of the forest, in the center of town, in broad daylight...." Starswirl said defiantly. "Unless Orrin Tin has gotten the townfolk riled up with fear? Is that how you can appear here? Where is your true body? It must be close, to project this kind of illusion. Are you upstairs? How are you keeping your aura away?"

"No, I'm not upstairs," she whispered. "I'm in Varnice, waiting for you. The others at the Academy showed me how to do this. How to project myself out here and bring you home."

Her features were overcome by that devilish and recklessly carefree grin that always graced her face when she got wind of treasures beyond imagination--

No! That is not her, but a sorcerer assuming her form.

She touched her lips to his ear and whispered, "I've been waiting so long. Ever since I left you in Varnice I knew deep down in my gut that I made a mistake, and my gut is never wrong. You better than anyone know how many scrapes it's gotten me out of."

Starswirl closed his ears, tears welling in his eyes as he tried with all his strength not to give in to the temptation. He slammed the back of his skull into the crate repeatedly as if that would cause whichever loose gear in his brain was allowing this cruel farce to happen to snap back into place.

"You sound nothing like Mareco," he said. "She would never fawn over somepony as you are doing."

She pulled back slightly and gazed at him with wounded, soulful eyes. "You don't think I've learned my lesson? You don't think I can change?"

"I--"

She sniffled. "How could you say that, Starswirl?"

The wounded look on her face broke the wizard's heart, despite how much he hardened it against the sorcerer's wiles, stolen straight out of Starswirl's head. But no matter how much he tried to convince himself that the sorcerer was just cobbling together a fiction from his own buried wishes and desires, the apparition of her bypassed his higher thoughts entirely and spoke directly to his deeper mind. Like a wild animal, it broke free of his control and yearned for the long-gone mare.

"Go away!" he screamed in one last desperate outburst of rationality. "Leave me be!"

Even though Starswirl knew in his heart of hearts the real Mareco would never have allowed herself the 'indignity' of weeping openly, the sight of this specter's eyes filling with teas caused his stomach to twist itself in knots.

"If that's what you really want," she said, "then fine. I'll go...."

Slowly, the image of her faded from Starswirl's eyes, as did the sensation of the hoof caressing his chin. Starswirl let his head rest against the crate, alone once again with his deeper mind screaming out and crying for her. No matter how much he tried to quell that raging tempest in his chest, it always redoubled its efforts and savaged him even more harshly. Scarcely a minute from the apparition's disappearance he gave in and wished for her to return and comfort her again, but he remained the only pony in the cramped storage room. And so, before he could wrest the reins of his faculties away from his deeper mind, it reached out with the Harmony to seek through the web of life connecting and uniting everypony for her.

But it couldn't.

When Starswirl tried to open the connection, it was like breaking through a foot-thick slab of stone by poking it gently with a hoof. As punishment for his one foolish act of weakness and hungry craving, he realized his connection to the Harmony had been severed. Against his higher rationality he had clung to a long-gone mare, and now he was paying the price.

This does not bode well, he thought with a broken, hollow laugh.