The Dilemma

by cloudedguardian

The Letter

It seems I have what one would call a dilemma. A dilemma to which the only solution is firmly out of my grasp… Or should I say, range of courage.

You see, the problem- The magnificent, wonderful, horrible problem is…

I am completely, uttermostly, absolutely, and as Rainbow Dash would put it, Tee-To-tally, in love with Big Macintosh. There, I said it.

It doesn’t nearly seem to say enough though, not when everything about him makes my heart pound. The way his mane moves in the whispering breeze of the orchards, the gold strands holding in the air for just a second longer than should be possible. The bright red of his fur that makes my cheeks match them in vibrancy. The soft smile that graces his lips when he stands under the shimmering and changing shade of his beloved Apple trees. His brilliant and bright apple cutie mark that seems to gain such a tantalizing sparkle after a hard day’s labour’s sweat catches the sun. Those brilliant green eyes more beautiful than any emerald. Those adorable freckles that I just want to kiss~

Oh dear, I’m getting a little carried away aren’t I…? Where was I anyway? Ah yes, I’m in love with Big Macintosh.

And I have no idea what to do about it.

I’ve considered a lot of things, ways to confess or some way for me to get this all off my chest, but in the end… I just end up terrified. I knew I was a coward, but this is just a little bit ridiculous. I’ve been… Reclusive, yes, I admit to that. I’m painfully shy at times, and more often than not my solution to social problems was “Run away and hide.” I thought it was rather effective. Until I met the girls anyway. They showed me that it was okay to be myself, to say what I thought- That I didn’t have to hide, or stutter out something incomprehensible and run off somewhere safe and comforting.

So what is it about this stallion- This amazing, incredible stallion- That makes me forget all that they have taught me and leave me peeking around the barn with the desperate hope that Applejack doesn’t see me. Oh Faust help me if she sees me. I will die of embarrassment. Or say something extremely stupid. Or more likely squeak out something incomprehensible and stupid, and then die of embarrassment.

Yet, I still keep going back to Sweet Apple Acres to see him. It’s usually with some sort of random made-up-on-the-spot excuse, but I still keep going. It’s like seeing him wakes up that fierce and spectacular courage that only seems to rise up when I needed it the very most… And which dissolves away into tiny atomic particles the second I start thinking about confessing.

Oh, but I have to confess! Or at least, I’m pretty sure I do. Maybe I don’t have to actually- Maybe this is just a passing thing or something, or it’ll all resolve on it’s own… Lots of things resolve on their own! I’ll just ignore it, and it’ll go away! Then I won’t have to think about how much I love to see his smile, or how his fur would feel against me, or how he’ll forever be out of my reach because when it comes down to things I’m a coward.

And I just tore the parchment. Great. Wet paper is way too fragile. Stupid tears. Why did I have to start cryi

You can still totally read that despite me scratching it over, can’t you? Of course you can. Ugh I feel like such an idiot. It’s probably a good thing that this letter is just going to go straight in the fire when I’m done. I just needed to write it, this, something down. Say something, even if it is only to myself for no-one else to read.

So, I guess that makes this a letter to me. And if I’m talking to myself, if it’s penned to me… Then I think I have a question.

Why are you such a coward? Why am I such a coward? The little ones look up to me, see me as a guardian angel, someone who can face down their greatest fears without flinching. In ways, that is true, fears are relevant. Much like how a spider means little more than a snack to a raven, while being a nightmare to many ponies, the things you are afraid of, I’m not.

That doesn’t make me brave. If anything, it makes it all the worse… For the reason why I can stand against your nightmare, is because it can’t hurt me. With my friends beside me, holding me up, and the strength to protect what I love leading me onward- I know, deep down, that it can’t hurt me.

The things that can hurt me, though, I am terrified of. Rejection, betrayal, failure, disappointment, those things hurt more, and bring more pain than any physical wound could. A physical wound will heal in weeks, and the pain usually fades within the first stages of healing. Emotional takes years upon years that leaves one in an eternal storm.

And so I tell myself that doing nothing is better. That doing nothing surely can’t bring pain. That smiling and going on in my care taking duties as I have since I came here will make everything alright, and that with the matter of time all will be resolved. Yet, much like how standing, unmoving, in one spot does little to avert a disaster, and only makes one stiff and feeling foolish, each passing day makes me feel only heavier still.

There is a whisper of hope in the idea of telling him of my attraction, telling him of my adoration and how he makes me feel. Telling him how his simple words and steadfast resolution speaks more to me than the waning on of a motivational speech. I bet he would hear me, too. I bet he could hear past all my muttering and see past my mask, and know the me that’s behind it all. If I could just speak, he would surely listen, right?

Maybe I should write him a love letter. They’re very traditional, and I wouldn’t be able to stick my hoof in my mouth, or forget what I was saying half-way through, or just totally losing my voice and end up wishing I could disappear behind my mane and turn invisible.

And I might just not manage to ramble horribly if I write a love letter. Maybe I could look up some poetry and do something like that? Can’t get much more traditional and romantic than a sonnet. Oh, but I don’t know if he likes poetry. Or what if he doesn’t like all that mushy romantic stuff? He might find it presumptuous. Doing a love letter at all is kind of presumptuous now that I think about it. That’s okay, though. I think. Being a little presumptuous can be endearing, right? I think somepony said that at some point…

I wonder if a love letter would be too presumptuous. It probably would be too presumptuous, wouldn’t it?

…Now the word “presumptuous” looks funny to me. I’m going to have to look it up now to make sure I’m spelling it right.

Yes, that is how you spell it. Presumptuous is an awful funny word. All those vowels stuck together at the end, it makes one wonder how it came to be. It barely looks like a word at all, more like some jumbled letters that were put together for fun. It still sounds like a word though, when I say it out loud, so maybe it’s just me. Or maybe I’m over thinking this. I really do tend to over think things, I know I do. I bet I’ve just ended up standing there just staring off in space getting weird looks. I certainly hope I didn’t do that at any important time, and the girls just felt weird about telling me. They’d tell me about that sort of thing right? That’s what friends’ do, let each other know about their flaws so we can become better, right? I think it is. Oh dear, what if it isn’t? What if I’ve been irritating them horribly by pointing out their flaws when I shouldn’t have been and they were being nice and polite when I wasn’t by not telling me and I was being horribly presumptuous and

I just stopped to check that I spelled presumptuous right again and now I realize I have no idea what I’m talking about anymore.

Comments

[cxzyzx]

Well, written- but who's perspective is this from?

Please put an OC tag or whoever else it might be. Not apparent from the text.

Good job, I say you won your challenge.

[Celestias Paladin]

Interesting... so you are making us guess who the mare is. Ok... not AJ, RD... probably not Twilight or Fluttershy, doesn't seem to be Rarity. But she could be somepony outside the Mane 6. I look forward to seeing more.

[enigmaMystere]

i like this. and i know who the pony writing it is.~
...or, at least, i'm fairly certain.

[Dostoron]

solution to a problem is "run away and hide" ? well that makes it a great lot easier.

[Swook206]

Haven't read yet, but insta-fave cause rule number Raibowdash of the internet is: If it's something about Twilight being in love, then
i579.photobucket.com/albums/ss234/westgate561/THISGONBGUD.gif
Now, nopony reply to me cause I'M READING!!! Got a problem with that? Then guess what?
mememaker.net/static/images/memes/1138313.jpg

[Claudia Books]

My inkling is Fluttershy,
or maybe an OC?
Still, Great story so far!

[Autumn Wind]

Pretty good up to now, only one minor issue:

"when I shouldn’t of been" should be "when I shouldn't have been."

[cloudedguardian]

1838116
Thanks for catching that-
Oh I feel so silly for making such a grade-school mistake