An Anti-Brony Goes to Equestria.

by SilverOrion

Blue, Glowing Flowers? Energy At Last!

For the first time since I left Pinkie Pie, I started to feel slightly guilty for lashing out. Meh, it didn't really matter anyway, I guess, since it was just a cartoon. Ah, well, who cares anyway.

So there I was, walking along in the forest again, all by myself, in the dark. Worst of all, my torchlight was burning out, and I'd be left in pitch black before long. Dammit, Phil. Dammit Pinkie Pie. Dammit everything.

At least this time I wasn't afraid of anything. Not that I was afraid of anything before, of course! Just, you know, I felt a little more... Confident. Walking in a straight line, I figured that I'd probably reach the end of this forest eventually.

I was walking for the next hour, until my torch was eventually reduced to a stick with embers at the end of it. Wonderful. I just stood there, unmoving, trying to decide what to do next. My torch burned out, everything was pitch black, and I could hear owls hooting every which place in the forest. Out of a lost hope, I started looking around me, searching for any sliver of a possibility that there could be some light, somewhere, someplace. Nope, nothing except that glowing blue patch of... Glowing blue patch of flowers?

I rubbed my eyes, trying to believe what I was seeing. Oh, what luck! There were flowers, and they were glowing a bright blue light from them. I've done it! Not only have I found a new source of light for me to get back to the parallel universe projector, but if my predictions were correct, I could convert the microorganisms creating the glow in the plant into fuel cells to power my parallel universe projector! Hahah, I could see Phil now!

I ran to the flowers in a frenzied craze. Home! At last! And because of these beautiful, beautiful glowing flowers! The president would really thank me after all! After I sue Phil, of course.

I made sure to pick as many as I could, my bare hands brushing past their slime-coated petals to grab their firm, fuzzy stems. Amazing, these flowers were giving my hands a tingling sensation! There must be more energy in these blue flowers than I had thought! How beautiful, how delightful!

Before I knew it, I lost myself in my own euphoria, throwing the flowers up into the air in victory, before allowing myself to fall down into the bed of those flowers, making flower-angels in them, if that's what you'd call it if they're not snow angels. I smelled the flowers, I hugged the flowers... I even rubbed them against my cheek in delighted glee! This was the most amazing experience of my entire trip - knowing that I would go home after all!

After some time of laying down in the bed of flowers, I looked back up at the canopy, and the starry sky. Ah, what a beautiful feeling to know that I'd be going home. I yawned, feeling tired after all of that walking. I decided that I might just take a little nap - just a little one, and I'd be back on my way to the parallel universe projector in the morning to adjust the energy processors to take a temporary shot of natural enzyme energy. Shutting my eyes, I smiled, peacefully falling asleep in that flowerbed of success.

- - -

I woke up, looking back up at the forest canopy. Wait, a forest canopy? Where was I? Oh, right... My Little Pony.

Oh well it didn't matter, because it was time for me to go back to my parallel universe projector and take myself home.

Stretching out my forelegs, I yawned with the pleasure of having a good night's rest. After doing some stretches, I got up onto all four of my hooves. That Phil was going to be on a run for his money now - now that I'd make it back to the parallel universe projector first.

I looked around for some good looking specimens of blue, glowing flowers, before I picked some up with my mouth and began treading back to the parallel universe projector by following all of the marks I left for myself on these trees.

And y'know, I just couldn't put my hoof on it, but I felt a little... Different.

- - -

Pinkie Pie was hopping up and down along the way she had seen that meanie pants go, but she couldn't find him anywhere - according to her Pinkie sense, he either disappeared completely, or he transformed overnight or something, and she knew neither of those things could ever happen.

She did feel like there was another pony close by though who she might be able to talk to. Maybe that pony would know where the meanie pants went! With renewed confidence, Pinkie started hopping in the direction of the new pony. She thought it was weird that there was some random pony in the Everfree forest, but then again it was pretty weird that she was there too, so she shook it off as pure coincidence.

After hopping over two brooks and a log, Pinkie found herself seeing a bright, red-orange pony with a bright red mane holding a bouquet of poison joke in his mouth... Wait, poison joke! She had to warn that poor colt!

"Hey! Waaaaait!"

- - -

"Hey! Waaaait!"

I stopped trotting. No, that was the voice of Pinkie Pie. Not her again.

"Pinkie Pie, I thought I told you to shut up an-"

"You've got poison joke in your mouth and you've gotta spit it out quick before it brushes up against you!"

I spat out the flowers.

"What?"

"I saaaid, you had poison joke in your mouth and you had to spit it out quick before it brushes up against you and plays a joke on you!"

"Oh, hahah, a gay plant too. Well, I don't care, because I'm using this plant to power my parallel universe projector, so if you'll excuse me I'll just be going."

I picked up the "poison joke" again, before continuing to trot on my merry way. Poison joke. Plays a joke on you. Hah, pathetic.

Then I heard Pinkie Pie trying to hold in a laugh, and by the sounds of it, it was a big laugh.

"Alright," I said, turning, a glare on my face, "what's so funny?"

She pointed a hoof at me, "You're going to have a little trouble going back like that."

How did she know anything about me going back to my world? Meh, this pony seemed pretty out there anyway.

"...What do you mean?"

She lost it. Falling over onto the ground, she started laughing so hard that tears were rolling down her eyes.

Wait.

No, it can't be.

Poison Joke. Brushes up against you. Plays a joke on you.

I looked at myself.

- - -

Princess Luna trotted up to Princess Celestia, who appeared to be looking out of the castle balcony towards the Everfree forest.

"Is something wrong, my sister?" Luna inquired.

"Very much so, my sister." Celestia replied.

"...What is wrong?" Luna asked again.

"...The mail, it's late again." Celestia sighed, leaning on the balcony.

"Oh, the mail again." Luna replied, looking away towards the Everfree forest herself.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Luna jumped up out of surprise, and Celestia stood up at full attention, as they both gazed at the same place in the Everfree forest where countless birds seemed to be flying up and away from a specific region of the canopy.

"It appears that someone in the Everfree cares more about us getting our mail on time then we do, my sister." Luna joked.

- - -

"Fuck! Fuck! Dammit fuck this, son of a bitch!"

I was shouting, screaming at the top of my lungs, dropping the poison joke in the process. I was indeed, one hundred percent, pony. I gaped in horror at my bright red-orange coat, and bright red mane. This couldn't be happening. Not now, not when I was so close! This was horrible! No, no, no, horrible does not even describe this at all! This is a disaster! No, no, a sign of the apocalypse for my life! I could never return to my world as a pony! I would be ruined!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed again, not willing to accept this, no, not at all. Of course, Pinkie Pie was dying of laughter, but what she thought didn't matter to me anymore.

I didn't just collapse to my knees this time, I collapsed completely, whimpering with my new pony whimper. Not my pony whimper - I didn't want to have a pony whimper! And why did I have to sound cute at the same time?

"MOMMY!" I shouted, wanting a sense of comfort in my time of tribulation. Thank God I shoved a hoof in my mouth before anypony could tell I actually just said that. Wait. I just thought "anypony". NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I started hitting my little hooves on the ground, throwing a tantrum, with cartoon tears shooting out of my eyes in streams, shouting "NO!" over and over, until my throat was sore from the screaming. Then I rolled over onto my back and started scraping at my soft belly with my rubbery hooves in the lost hope of tearing off my pony body to reveal the real man - who was me - on the inside. When scraping didn't work, I started hitting my hooves on the ground again, back and forth, creating a pool of tears under my fuzzy little body.

"AWWW, FUCK! AWWW, SHIT! AWWW, SON OF A BITCH!"

I screamed those very words, although not necessarily in that order, over and over and over again. Yes, my throat was sore, but it didn't matter. I needed somepony to know exactly what happened to me, needed someone to come and change everything.

"DAMN YOU PHIL!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, hoping somewhere in Equestria he'd hear me. Although I couldn't see it at the time, Pinkie Pie was rolling back and forth on the ground, laughing so hard that she was gasping for air.

Oh, why? Why me?

"AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO OUT DRINKING WITH THE GUYS TODAY!!!"

- - -

"Hmm, this is a dilemma indeed; I may not have the cure that he needs."

Zecora looked over my quivering, violated little self on the ground, which was currently in the fetal position.

Pinkie Pie quickly asked, "But whaddya mean? Don't you have a magical potion which he could take a bath in so that he can be cured?"

Zecora continued to look at me, then answered.

"For anypony in Equestria, that potion will fix,

But anyone from another world, the potion will not mix.

Because you see,

He may be a pony,

But because he is not one truly,

How the potion reacts - it may be unruly."

Out of desperation, I held my hooves together pleadingly, saying

"How long do I got, doc? How long 'till I die?"

Zecora laughed, then replied.

"Do not worry, poison joke is harmless,

Although if you panic, it may drive you to madness."

I threw my hooves in the air, looking up at the ceiling of Zecora's hut with dispair, saying

"I can't live like this!"

Zecora looked at me with pity, then replied

"Although I do not have a cure right away,

I may have what you need in time, on another day."

I fell back on my flank, speechless. In time? On another day? I couldn't wait for a cure, not while Phil was out looking for... Whatever her name was! He'd probably just leave me here if he got to the parallel universe projector first! This was a disaster!

Needless to say, I was catatonic. Something was unplugged in my brain when Zecora uttered those words. As I sat there uselessly, Pinkie Pie thanked Zecora for her help before trying to motivate me to get up and follow her to Ponyville. After noticing that I was practically unconcious, Pinkie Pie decided to drag me out instead by my cherry-red tail. As I was being dragged along, Pinkie Pie spoke up (in a muffled voice since she had my tail in her mouth).

"Don't worry, it's not so bad being a pony! Hey, I thought that while we're waiting for Zecora to find a cure for you, I could show you around Equestria! Whaddya think?"

"Eeeeeeehhhh...." I responded, to weak to say anything.

"I'll... Take that as a yes!" Pinkie Pie continued, beginning to hop up and down cheerfully, not realizing that she was causing me to lift up off the ground and then be thrown back into it again over, and over, and over, and over, and over...

"It'll be sooooo much fun! First I'll introduce you to Aloe and Lotus, who run a spa in Ponyville - y'know, since you look real beat up from being out in the Everfree forest. After that, we can go look at the Rambling Rock Ridge, we can visit Canterlot, go aaaaaalllll the way up to Appleloosa, and Manehattan, and... What was your name again?"

I didn't reply. I just stared blankly at yet another perfect sky hanging above me.

"Wellllll I'll just call you Meanie Pants, since you can be pretty mean sometimes. How's that?"

I just kept staring at the sky.

"Okie dokie lokie then!" Pinkie Pie chimed, continuing to hop her way to Ponyville.

Will somepony help me, please?

Comments

[MarcusBullet]

Awesome!

[spitefirespartan]

Lol the NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO part made my week thank u i can imagin it now