The One Known as Ice Phoenix

by Ghost Walker

Investigation in the North

It is another night in Ponyville and Twilight is doing some reading before heading to bed. Suddenly, there is a knock on the door. She thinks, “Who could it be at this hour?” and starts to head towards the door. As she opens the door, one of the royal guards waits outside.

“I’m here to escort you to a secret location. Princess Celestia has an assignment for you.”

Twilight, looking confused by this order, asked, “Really? She hasn't said anything to me about this?”

“Well, that is because the Princess is in the chariot waiting for you.”

Twilight looks behind the guard and sees Celestia waiting in the chariot. “Okay then....Let's go.”

As Twilight climbs into the chariot, She looks up at Celestia and she has a look like something is bothering her. As the chariot takes off, Celestia looks over at Twilight, faking a smile.

“Hello my faithful student. How goes this night?”

“It’s…going good. Just doing some late-night reading.”

“That’s good.”

“I’m sure you didn’t drag me away from my reading to ask me how my night is. What seems to be the matter?”

Celestia’s smile fades away.

“True. There has been an issue that has come to my attention. I believe I’ve found something to be a little weird.”

“What is it Princess?”

“How do I say this without it being confusing...an earth pony somehow knows how to use magic.”

“An earth pony that knows magic? How it that possible?” Twilight replied, sounding both shocked and confused.

“I have no idea, but the pony is known as Ice Phoenix and is amazingly powerful. This newfound power has corrupted him, I’m afraid, and has already murdered a few ponies already. I am sending you in to see if you could convince him to stop.”

“Are you sure sending in just me is a good idea? What if he doesn't trust me?”

“Well...maybe you should come with your friends.”

“No. If he is as dangerous as you say then I don't want to risk my friends getting hurt. I can handle it princess.”

“Ok then. We are heading to the tundra plains where he lives.”

As both Twilight and Celestia arrive at their destination, Twilight got off the chariot and sees a big abandoned town.

Twilight sees a sign covered in snow so she uses her magic to remove it to see what it said.

Welcome to Snowfall Valley

“So this is where Ice Phoenix lives?”

“I’m afraid so. This use to be such a beautiful place to visit.”

I can imagine….. I can take it from here princess. I will report back when I am done.”

“Ok student take care and good luck……you will need it.”

The chariot takes off and disappears towards the horizon.

Twilight suddenly felt something dash past her and a cold chill ran down her spine. She looks around to see what that was. She sees nothing and assumes it was just the wind. She starts to walk towards the small town, keeping an eye out for anything.

“He....He....Hello? I..I'm looking for Ice Phoenix.”

“Run….Run away.”

She turns towards where the voice came from. She looks down an alley and sees a shadow come out. It was a pony wearing a hood and cloak.

“If you value your life, run now and never come back.”

“What are you talking about? I’m just here to see…”

“I know why you are here. You are not the first to look for Ice Phoenix. Others have come before. None have left. Please, if you value your life, leave now.”

A distance screech was heard, getting louder as it was getting closer. Hearing this put Twilight in fear.

“Run,” the pony said as he disappeared back into the alley.

As the screeching was getting louder, Twilight tried to understand what the mysterious pony just told her. “Others…before me?” Something inside her was telling her that she made a mistake coming. Just as the thought of running came into her mind, she felt something ice cold grab her and pick her up. She struggles but can’t break free. She sees that it is a giant bird that is carrying her. After a couple of seconds, she was thrown into an abandoned building and the doors slammed shut. She tries to realize what just happened and tries to use her magic to get out of the building but she received a sharp pain.

“It is being blocked by something.....or somepony.” she thought as she was looking around. Then, a dark, evil laugh filled up the room.

She yells out, “Who’s there?”

“You already know who I am.” The voice talking back sounded like it was all around her. “After all, you were sent here to get rid of me. I wonder, has your precious princess Celestia finally sent a worthy challenger or another weakling like the others?”

“Others?” she replied back, sounding shocked.

“Yes, although…..none of them were a unicorn as famous as you. All I’ve dealt with so far have been some of the royal guards and the Pegasus that you call the Wonderbolts. Don’t know what was so wonderful about them. They barely lasted five minutes. And those guards were a joke. Haha…..hahaha”

“Where are you?”

“Oh, that’s right. We weren’t properly introduced to each other. I am,” the room lights up from candles just lit, showing the mysterious pony standing at the end of the room, “Ice Phoenix”

His skin was as black as the night from the corruption and had icy blue eyes. He had a maniacal, twisted smile on his face. His main and tail was a mixture of black and dark blue. There was a cold, light-blue aura that surrounded him.

“You’ve already meet my pet, Permafrost”

She sees the bird that brought her here. It looked just like the princess’s phoenix but was much larger and had a cold mist surrounding it.

“And you are Twilight Sparkle, the most faithful student to Princess Celestia. Wielder of the Element of Magic. Prevented both Nightmare Moon and Discord from taking over.”

“How do you know so much about me?” Twilight asked sounding scared.

“You think the actions of what you and your band of friends did was only known in Ponyville and Canterlot? All of Equestria knows all about it. In fact, I should be honored that they decided to send you to come after me. It’s not everyday a celebrity come to visit. You probably have a lot of questions for me. So what is it you would like to know about?”

“I just have one question. How are you able to use magic? I mean, you’re an earth pony. It just doesn’t make sence.”

He laughed at the question.

“Ahh, the question on everypony’s mind. How I can control magic. To be honest, I can’t remember must after I’ve gone insane. Ahh insanity. Such a wonderful state of mind. Ha..hahaha. Luckily, I have Permafrost here to make sure I don’t fall in too deep.”

“Wha….what?

“I know, a shock, isn’t it? Hahaha.”

His laughter fills up the room.

“Lo…look. I’m was sent here to help you, not fight you.”

“help. Help? HELP?!” His smile disappeared and the atmosphere in the room felt heavier. His eyes started to glow and it was getting colder. “YOU ARE JUST LIKE THE OTHERS! OFFER ME HELP AND THEN HURT ME FOR THE FUN OF IT. TORMENT ME FOR BEING…..DIFFRENT. NO. NO MORE!

Permafrost gave out a loud screech, calming down Ice Phoenix.

“Th…thank you, friend. So, you would like to know about my ability to control magic huh? Fair enough. Let me tell you about my past.”

Comments

[PaleRider]

Hello! My name is PaleRider and I am from the Freezecast Review crew!

I'm here to take a look at why your story is receiving so many downvotes or it's not receiving any attention at all, and give some support for you to improve.

Let's start!
*Face at the beggining *
*Finishes Reading *

Normally I do some commical reviews and abuse of sarcasm. But this time, I going to give a more professional text.
To start, I like your history.
Good way to find a solution to the Alicorn OC curse. A earth pony that can use magic.
A cold and dark past, and insanity taking him over...
I'm a fan of Soul Eater, and Ashura is my favorite character from the show. So, your plot seems pretty good to me!

The problem lies in how you executed it.
Grammar! The grammar nazis are wanting your head! Run for your life!

You have some misspellings, conjugation problems, missing words, and wrong punctuation.
Your worst flaw seems to lie on this: [quote]“Yes, although…..none of them were a unicorn as famous as you. Ellipses are just three dots(...), no more, no less. If you want to use them on the start of a sentence, start a new paragraph.
I would change some sentence structure too, so my prescription is get a editor.

Your OC is fine I think...
Seeing that he is a villain and the story will have Twilight as main, I don't see where he could be the problem.
Maybe you need someone else to give you a opinion. I like him, and I can't tell for sure.

Anyway, I hope that I helped. And I will put your icy story on a place that she will feel fine!
Get down, 'cause "I think I see a barrage of snowballs!

[Master-Chief]

1450544
Even though Im a grammar Nazi I seriously don't see any spelling mistakes and I like the plot.

[PaleRider]

And what about the ellipses? Four dots? Five dots?
There's some sentences reapeating themselves like:

I’m afraid, and has already murdered a few ponies already.

There's some more places that needs a little polish, but like I said, overrall this is good.
Problem is that about a OC, and I dunno why, but many people hate OC's.

[Ghost Walker]

1450544

I would like to star off by saying thanks for the feedback. This just came as an idea. A "What if?" scenario of sorts.

Now onto the grammar. I there is only so much one person to do and I have been looking for someone to help me edit. As for the dots, I was trying to go for a pause in the speech. Somewhat like a dramatic pause. It is still something I am working on. As for the Grammar Nazis, I welcome them. They can help me. I welcome help. Being in college, I don't have a lot of time to look at every word and sentence. If Grammar Nazis come in and point something out, i'll fix it and tank them for the help.

As for the OC, hopefully in the next chapter it will explain why he gone insane and also how him and Permafrost meet. (Ideas jumping in my head at the moment). Twilight will stay as the main for now but I have thought of adding the others in. But, that's for another time.

Again, thank you for the feedback and hopefully it will improve with every chapter.