The Mysterious Book

by Late Empire

Chapter 3: Have You Tried Turning It Off And On Again?

Twilight lowered Volume 9 of Magical Gadgets And Contraptions, glowering at Applejack. “For the fifth time, don’t poke it! We don’t know what it does!”

Applejack continued poking. “There’s writing on it! On the screen part. Maybe that can tell us how to get Dash back.”

“It” was an odd grayish metal machine, firmly strapped to Dash’s leg. Clearly it had seen better days; the casing was scratched and dented, and the part which held it to Rainbow’s leg was encrusted with organic-looking muck. The glowing green screen fizzled and popped with static.

Occasionally Twilight could see a diagram of a pony, surrounded by more of the strange alien writing. Inscrutable control buttons, in various states of grubbiness, only added to the confusion. An exploratory button press had only resulted in frantic beeping, followed by Dash staring very intently at a kitchen chair for half an hour. Otherwise, nothing seemed to rouse Dash from her glassy-eyed silence.

The very worst part of it all, Twilight reflected, was that none of the symbols appeared in The Every Language Equestrian Encyclopedia Of Everything. That was absolutely unheard of, not to mention uncivilized. The Encyclopedia even had ancient Ponish pottery symbols! She had filled twenty scraps of parchment so far trying to make a reference chart, and got practically nowhere.

“What about this one?” asked Applejack, pointing at an ominious red rectangular button just above the screen. It bore an inscrutable symbol that looked like a sewing machine being strangled by a walrus.

“No!” said Twilight, waving her notes in frustration. “No! No! Mammal-like symbols are in subgroup B! Same as the one that made Dash kick you in the face!”

Applejack relented, wincing at the memory. “OK, OK. So, what next?”

Twilight sighed, putting the book down and massaging her head with both front hooves. “Can we... let’s take a break, OK?”

Applejack nodded glumly. Rainbow drew breath again, and Twilight quickly reached for her umbrella.

At this point, it was becoming a routine. Sneeze. POP! Blueberries. A horrifyingly stinky collection of plant matter, clearly long dead, plopped on the floor several feet away. Thankfully, it hardly splattered her at all this time. Twilight put away her umbrella, and levitated the dead plant mush onto the pile. It joined an alarming, and alarmingly growing, collection of oddball junk. Each sneeze brought another random object into the library, which was quickly filling up like some kind of interdimensional waste repository.

Some items, like the plant mush, were more or less harmless. That also applied to strange technological contraptions like Dash’s leg device, and to the various smashed, rusty pieces of equipment now decorating her kitchen table. A collection of beat-up packing crates around them were practically overflowing with useless junk.

Some items were clearly weapons, with lots of pointy bits promising pain and suffering, to a degree almost inconceivable to a longtime resident of Equestria. Twilight wasn’t a military expert, but she was pretty sure the Royal Guard didn’t have anything that corkscrew-shaped in their armory.

Some items were alive, and very angry, like the collection of giant roach things which had nearly eaten them on arrival. Quick-thinking Rarity had fed them sofa cushions, long enough for Applejack to punt them into the basement. The basement door seemed to be holding for now, despite the very distracting sound of mandibles chewing through the wood.

And, finally, some items... Twilight shivered, looking at the small collection of crystal orbs at the base of the pile. She had tried levitating one when it arrived, and had been sucked into a horrifying.... vision? Dream?

Whatever it was, she never wanted to see anything like that again, as long as she lived. Ponies shouldn’t do those things to each other.

She shook her head as Rarity strode up. “Maybe there’s something else in the pile you could try?” Rarity suggested.

“I don’t... I’ve tried everything!” Twilight fumed. “None of this makes sense, and I can’t get anything out of Dash.”

“Maybe you’re not asking the right way!” chirped Pinkie Pie, bursting from one of the equipment crates.

“GAHHHH!” shouted Twilight.

"Hi Twilight!" said Pinkie chirpily, waving at her. "Hi Applejack! Hi Rarity! Hey, nice end table!"

Twilight shook her head, trying to compose herself. “How did... have you been in there this whole time?”

“Nope! I was across town and felt a super-scratchy-hoof-tingly-mane-pulling feeling! I’ve never had that before! So I asked myself, who in Ponyville would be doing something I’ve never-ever-weather-feather felt before? And I came here!”

“Pinkie,” said Twilight, holding onto her mane and sanity as hard as possible, “Please, please, please don’t touch anything.”

Pinkie theatrically held her front hooves up in the air, with an expression of exaggerated caution. “Okie lokie!”

“I mean it! Rainbow read this story, and well, now all these things are appearing, and they might even be dangerous...”

Pinkie nodded grimly, and her rear rear hooves joined her front ones in the air. Twilight tried very hard to avoid thinking about how that was possible.

“Is it OK if I just talk to Dashie?” Pinkie asked, keeping her serious face on.

“That’s fine,” said Twilight, relaxing from ‘mortal panic’ all the way down to ‘terrified apprehension’. “As long as you’re here, you may as well. Again, just don’t touch anything.”

Pinkie nodded and fired off a crisp salute, which Applejack found amusing enough to snort at. She gripped Rainbow’s head and stared into her eyes intently, from a distance of about half an inch. “HEEELLLLLOOOOO RAINBOW DASH!” declared Pinkie. “WEEEEEE MIIIIISSSSS YOOOOOOUUUUU!”

Twilight levitated one of the parchment scraps covered in her manic writing. “It’s no use, we tried that already. Look, I’ve gone over the letters on that device, and I think this is a basic reference...”

Pinkie looked up, confused. “You already tried that? You tried staring deep, deep into her eyes?”

“Well, not quite that deep, but yes.”

“And told her how you feel in a deep, slow voice?”

“Yes?”

“Twilight! I had no idea!”

Twilight shook her head. The situation was getting away from her again. “What? Look, do you...”

Pinkie raised a hoof to her face in thought. “Hmmmm.... but I bet you didn’t try everything. Do you even own a cupcake pan?”

Rainbow scrunched up her face, drawing breath. “Oh no!” moaned Twilight, reaching for the battered umbrella. “Quick, get back!”

Pinkie pulled out a worryingly large magnifiying glass from somewhere in her mane. “Don’t worry, Twilight! We just have to observe the specimen! Catch it in the act! And apply a solution!”

“Ahhhhhh.... CHOOOmmmmmppphhh!”

Twilight had never heard someone sneeze in such an offended way before. Ditching the umbrella, she boggled at the scene. Well, at least Rainbow didn’t have the vacant stare anymore. Now she was best described as “furious”.

“Hard to sneeze with a cupcake up your nose!” bounced Pinkie.

“Gnewwww tshshhhhhh hhiinnnnngg oooo mmm nrzzzz!” croaked Dash.

“She’s talkin’ again!”Applejack shouted, practically jumping for joy. “Now what langauge is that?”

“Maybe old Equuish?” Twilight mused, magically reaching out for the card catalog again. “Or a regional Ponish dialect?”

“I said,” Rainbow Dash repeated, scraping the frosting off her face, “get that damn thing out of my nose! That’s real torture, you know. What are you, Enclave or something? You’re lucky I don’t kneecap you.”

Applejack let out a sigh of relief. “Well, I guess that’s progress, of some kind anyhow.”

“It still doesn’t tell us why this is happening in the first place,” observed Twilight.

“Maybe it’s allergies!” Pinkie chipped in.

“The only thing I’m allergic to is lack of ammunition!” said Rainbow, grinning broadly. “Speaking of which, you have any? No caps on me at the moment, but I’m good for it.” She fiddled with the leg-device. “Hmmm, not much of anything on me. Hey, where did my inventory go?”

Twilight’s eyes went wide. “Inventory? Oh no. No.” Her voice shook, as she collected her notes in a whirlwind of magic. “I think... I think I know what’s happening.”

Applejack frowned. “Mind explaining it to the rest of us?”

Twilight sat down heavily, shoulders slumping. “Rainbow Dash is a pegasus pony. Her magic has to do with flying, weather, clouds... not unicorn tasks like conjuring. And definitely not summoning. That means it’s not her bringing those objects into our universe.”

“The book,” said Rarity, stepping down off her end table again. Twilight nodded and levitated over the evil volume. She ruffled through the pages.

They were all blank.

“It’s the story,” said Twilight softly. “It’s jumped into her mind, and it’s acting through her somehow. I don’t know why it’s linked to sneezing... maybe she sneezed while reading? Ugh, this makes no sense! And it’s all my fault!”

Twilight sank down onto the floor, hooves over her head. “I messed everything up, and hurt one of my friends!” Rarity patted her awkwardly in a there-there way.

“And I put Equestria in danger! And the Princess is coming and she’ll find out! She’ll send me to live with the Diamond Dogs! And I’ll have to leave Ponyville and I’ll never see my friends again and...”

“Now that’s enough!” said Applejack firmly, stomping for emphasis. Twilight lifted her head from her hooves, eyes bloodshot. Applejack smiled down at her. “Things are goin’ wrong today, but you are not alone in this. Now look, we’re all here to help, but you have to tell us what to do. Starting with Rainbow. How do we fix this?”

Twilight nodded weakly, and sat up. “I think, if we can keep her from... summoning... for a couple hours, the magic will settle down. Then I can do a memory spell and move the story back into the book.” And then throw it into a volcano, she thought.

“Good,” said Applejack. “That’ll give you and the Princess some time to talk.” Twilight looked horrified. “I can’t have tea with the Princess while one of my friends is in danger! What kind of pony would that make me?”

“The kind who honestly explains what happened,” said Applejack, frowning, “and asks for some royal advice before diggin’ around in her friend’s mind.”

Twilight nodded glumly. “Dash, I...”

“I’m good,” said Rainbow Dash, still fiddling with the device on her foreleg. “Wow, super low radiation. You go on and have your tea party or whatever. I think my, uh, allergy is passing so I’ll just hang out.”

“That settles it,” said Applejack, with a tone of finality. “I think the three of us should to be able to help one pegasus pony with her sneezing problem. For a couple hours, at least. It’s not like she’s coming up with anything really dangerous anyhow.”

There was a skittering, scratching noise from the basement door. Rarity shivered. “What happens to the, er, things she summoned? Will they go back too?” Twilight shook her head. “I don’t think so. The Law Of Magical Conservation says... well... basically whatever the story brings into our world, whatever it changes, is likely to be permanent. Which is why it’s really, really, important that we keep this under control.”

Applejack nodded. “No sneezing. Got it. We’re here to help. Isn’t that right, girls?”

“Absolutely, darling,” said Rarity. “We’re here for you.”

“We’ll make it a party!” bounced Pinkie. “A magical-allergy-recovery party! With cake!”

“No hostiles on my E.F.S.,” offered Dash.

Twilight finally cracked a smile. I’m with my friends, she thought. Things may be tough, but we’ll get through it together.

And to her credit, everything did in fact go smoothly, until the alligator arrived.