Peridot’s hoof shook only slightly as he lit the candles. As the matchhead moved from one to the next, the brightly colored stalks lit, wavering in the kitchen’s air. Eight, nine, ten... As the eleventh candle began to glow, Peridot stopped, staring at the cluster of flames. He sniffed, and tried to push the overwhelming emotions aside. This was a happy day.
Peridot lit the eleventh and final candle, leaning well back from the cake. It wouldn’t do to have a tear fall and spoil the pristine surface, not on a day like this. Eleven candles—would there ever be more? They barely even fit on such a tiny cake, but with their daughter’s appetite being so absent lately, it couldn’t be much bigger. He drew a hoof over his eyes to clear any lingering tears, and took a deep breath. He couldn’t let the emotions ruin this happy day. He lifted the cake and balanced it on his back, carefully bearing it to the table where little Jade waited eagerly with her mother.
The match still hovered in his grasp as he glanced through the doorway into the dining room where he was awaited. Two years, and so much had changed.
Jade looked tiny. She had lost so much weight in the last year from being sick and the treatments robbing her of her hunger, and with most of her mane and tail gone she looked so much smaller. His heart stuck in his throat as he set the cake on the table and began to sing with his wife, their voices soft and just on the edge of steady.
Just as his hoof began to get uncomfortably warm, Peridot forced himself back into the moment, lit the remaining two candles, and shook out the match. He wrestled the cake tray onto his back, and walked into the other room.
The doctors had tactfully said that this birthday was likely to be Jade’s last. After five years of fighting, they had reached the point of last-ditch measures and fleeting hopes, and the family had begun to slowly come to grips with the idea of being reduced back to just two. Even the presents were subconsciously temporary, chosen to be enjoyed and/or consumed in short term.
While the memories may be tinged with grief, Peridot and his wife sang without a trace of sadness as they commemorated the birth of their only child. When the song concluded, there was a brief moment of stillness, a sharp release of breath, and all thirteen candles blinked out of existence. Peridot and his wife cheered as Jade swept her regrown mane out of her eyes and stared excitedly at the cake. She looked so much better now, vibrant and joyful in addition to her healthier size.
Peridot sat back and just watched as the cake was cut and consumed by the others. It was a birthday his daughter was never supposed to see, but by the grace of Harmony, here she was, without a trace of sickness. The surprise present this year was that Jade was finally old enough to apprentice in his jewelry shop. There was a future, and that was a miracle in itself.
No real errors.
But nothing exemplary about it either.
There was absolutely no emotion behind this scene. The words did not flow, and sadly... that "twist" was so cliche and predictable.
My advice, aim for shorter sentences. That way you can use a varied vocabulary... rather than wasting so many words.
Example:
The small, shortened sentences would have less words, and that can seem very nice in some ways.
vs
Simplicity is elegant.
Heh. Didn't realise you'd started doing these. Anyway, better late than never, no?
Editorial: 18/20
1) >He drew a hoof over his eyes to clear any lingering tears, and took a deep breath.
>remaining two candles, and shook out the match.
>He wrestled the cake tray onto his back, and walked into the other room.
Reason: Nitpicky, but you only need to place a comma before a conjunction if the conjunction is connected onto an independent clause. Given your omission of the subject (aka, he) from the second clause, you'd really want to just run the two together without a comma.
It's partially justified in the first one given the sheer length of that clause, but the last one has no excuse.
2) >While the memories may be tinged with grief, Peridot and his wife sang without a trace of sadness as they commemorated the birth of their only child.
Reason: None attribution of ownership on the memories. 'The' should really be 'their' here. That, and you've used while when you needed although.
Again. Nitpicky.
I'd also prefer 'were' rather than 'may be', but it'll hush now.
(Also, cough Jade looked tiny. She had Double space.)
Style : 18/20
I don't think you succeed on that 'startlingly similar' part. I also don't really think your main character was overly thoughtful about the comparison between the two. I also think this could have been an excellent place to use tense to your advantage; having one section in past tense and the other in present could have made the shift between the two of them a delicate balance of jarring and evocative, particularly if you allowed your paragraph barriers to melt away as the scene progressed. As for the twist... I agree with HoneyX3. You could see it coming. There were other, minor things (the choice of the irregular past tense of 'to fit' angers my British ears), but overall, it was styled nicely enough. Your sentence structure was fairly varied (though I'd have liked to have seen at least one semi-colon) and it told a scene well without having to clue us all in to what was going on. Nicely done.