Better off without me

by SunnyBreeze

First Appointment

Zephyr took the yellow envelope marked “D” (“D” for “doctor”) out of his saddlebag and placed it on Dr. Horse’s desk. “This will be a little awkward”, Zephyr explained, “this document contains everything you need to know, but I’d like to try to explain first before you see it”. Zephyr sat for about 30 seconds staring at the wall, a few moments slightly moving his lips to start saying something then immediately stopping himself. Despite being more prepared for this meeting than anything else in his life, he struggled to find the courage to actually pronounce the words that had seemed so good on paper. Right now, he had reverted to a temporary moment of childhood shyness reminiscent of the period before he and Fluttershy had learned how to be assertive.

Dr. Horse waited patiently, eventually asking Zephyr “would you like me to read the document?”

“Only if I can’t explain,” Zephyr replied.

Zephyr had initially intended to present his argument in a logical order, starting with his suicidal thoughts, then moving towards his request for a referral to a psychologist. But it’s really difficult to start a conversation with thoughts of suicide. He fell back to a slightly less elegant, but also less intimidating first sentence. “I’d like a referral to a psychologist. Over the past year, I’ve been having suicidal thoughts. I… I don’t think I’m going to act on them, but I’d still like to discuss them with a psychologist”.

“Coming here was the right thing to do,” Dr. Horse explained. Dr. Horse’s voice was calm and reassuring; it was clear that Zephyr was not his first mental health patient. However, as somepony who had spent years covering up his own insecurities, Zephyr was also able to detect the hints of fear hidden behind the facade of calmness in Dr. Horse’s voice.

Exhausted of energy to take the conversation any further, Zephyr nervously slid the envelope towards Dr. Horse to open.

Dr. Horse began reading over the documents. There wasn’t nearly enough time to read over everything fully, but Dr. Horse promised that he would read it during his break later. The documents included Zephyr’s communications with an anonymous letter writing group Fluttershy once introduced Zephyr to, who he turned to for issues like these when he didn’t have any friends to turn to.

One of the letters received included a comment from a stallion who said princess Celestia’s guards had taken his magic and placed him into involuntary hospitalisation. Dr. Horse was quick to explain that this wasn’t something that he had ever had to do in his time as a doctor, and is only reserved for the most extreme situations, and promised Zephyr that he had no reason to worry. Dr. Horse was impressed with how clearly Zephyr wrote and expressed his thoughts (a skill Zephyr had developed from writing many introspective letters) and it was clear to Dr. Horse that Zephyr had spent a lot of time thinking about this.

Zephyr now felt safe enough that he reached his head into his saddle bag to pull out a second yellow envelope, document “S” (“S” for “suicide”), his suicide plan.

“So it seems like this is how you plan to die?”, Dr. Horse asked.

“I’m not committed to any particular technique, but that appears to be the most effective method” Zephyr explained, proud of his research findings

As Dr. Horse scanned the document, his face fell in disappointment.

With Zephyr’s permission, Dr. Horse took key notes from document “D”, then placed the document in a protective case, assuring Zephyr that nopony other than the medical staff at the hospital would see it. As for document “S”, his disappointment was unmistakable. “I’m disappointed that our public library system makes it possible to obtain this material so easily. I don’t see anything in document ‘S’ of medical relevance to understanding your case”.

Zephyr couldn’t help but feel like he had received a B- on an assignment that he had poured his everything into (lesson learned: don’t try and you can’t fail). He had put a lot of effort into this document, but the way Dr. Horse talked about it made it feel like pegasi defecation.

Dr. Horse’s pupils shrunk to dots. His mane frayed, as if somepony had charged him with static, and began to talk very quickly. “I respect your position, and it is clear that you have put a lot of thought into it. If you had shown me document “S” sooner, I probably wouldn’t have made that promise not to put you in forced hospitalization. I will be your “hub”. I’ll arrange a psychologist as soon as possible. After that, we will meet weekly. Equestria provides free mental health care, which is fortunate as we will need many sessions over a course of many moons”.

Zephyr was kind of hoping that one meeting would be enough to get the closure that he sought, but had always known in the back of his mind that it would take more. However, he had never considered that it might take this much work.

Zephyr asked Dr. Horse if there was anything he could do to make the process more efficient for Dr. Horse. “I don’t like being a burden” Zephyr rued.

“Don’t be silly, you’re not being a burden, this is what the system is for, genuine cases like yours”.

Zephyr asked whether he should talk to his parents. Dr. Horse nodded. He also explained that Zephyr could invite them in and that he would talk to them with him. He explained that sometimes that helps them understand and take it seriously. He said that Zephyr could come in anytime he wanted (although Zephyr got the impression that this was mainly just if he was in a crisis or near crisis).

Zephyr was relieved to be taken seriously. He was afraid that his concerns would fall on deaf ears, like his attempts to reveal to Rainbow Dash how he really felt about her. Now he had the attention that he wanted, but he was no longer so sure that he wanted it anymore. Zephyr was peeved at himself, silently thinking “Even if I live, this is going to take ages to sort out. Surely it would have been easier to just burn those documents and forget about the whole stupid thing”.

Before Zephyr left, he confirmed that he wouldn't kill himself (yet). Dr. Horse pointed his hoof to the suicide date that Zephyr had tentatively proposed in document “S”. “I want to add 25 years to that, we want you to die of old age” Dr. Horse said, in a failed attempt to lighten the mood.

He walked Zephyr out of the room, over to the reception and asked the receptionist to book Zephyr a “mental health” meeting with Princess Luna tonight. Zephyr got the feeling that “mental health” was just a polite code word for “suicidally insane pony”.

As Zephyr left, Dr. Horse couldn’t help but be reminded of a shy, but equally determined pony who had to be taken to a specialist after she walked into his office and asked “I’d like to be a tree”.

---

“Fine. You can stay here” reluctantly agreed Fluttershy.

Zephyr was doing all he could to stay positive, as this wasn’t his ideal choice either. However, he didn’t really have any other choices. And besides, it was Fluttershy’s fault for getting him kicked out in the first place.

He pushed a couch into position. He still felt hungry, but with all that had transpired today, right now he just needed to sleep. Out of a nearby window he caught a glimpse of Luna’s moon, the heavy crystal-like glass of the window causing the moonlight to refract into a faint rainbow pattern. It reminded Zephyr of the sonic rainboom he had witnessed Rainbow Dash leave in her wake at the best young flyer competition. Ah, Rainbow Dash, how Zephyr wished he could be more like her. He imagined himself as Rainbow Dash surrounded by friends who cared, and soon dozed off contently.

“Zephyr Breeze,” came the cold voice of the Princess of the Night. “We need to talk”

Zephyr nodded knowingly. Luna had access to all her subject’s psychiatric records, so he knew that it was only a matter of time before she would arrive. Zephyr explained his rationale to Luna the same as he had done to his doctor earlier. Luna listened intently, occasionally nodding her head.

“You may not be a princess, but you will play your part. If you remove yourself, you might be replaced by, as they say in modern Equestrian, somepony who is ‘pegasi shit’”.

“I don’t think anypony is pegasi shit” Zephyr rebutted. “I have seen even chaos himself reformed”

Luna shook her head. “You have to live in the real world, Zephyr. Some of the ponies I deal with in the psychiatric field are indeed pegasi shit”. Zephyr immediately felt embarrassed with himself at the naivety of his previous statement, remembering that Luna also protected the dreams of those in Tartarus, including Lord Tirek who would occasionally dream jump into the minds of fillies and perform all kinds of monstrosities as revenge for his imprisonment.

“Live your life Zephyr. Don’t over analyse”

“I have to analyse. I can’t ignore”

Luna took a deep sigh. Although she wanted to say more, she did not have time for this, and was limited in what she could say without breaching her code of conduct. While Luna disagreed with Zephyr, it was evident that Zephyr’s desire to die was not a symptom of any recognised psychiatric issue, but rather stemmed from something deeper. “Suididal ideation, but underlying cause unclear” she wrote. Then she added a footnote: “possible gender dysphoria”.

Zephyr awoke in the middle of the night and thought over their conversation. “Pegasi shit?” he asked himself. He felt some anger towards what Luna had said, whose stance was clearly hypocritical. Zephyr was almost determined to live, to reform Tirek himself, just to show Luna how wrong she was.

“Well, if I’m going to live, then may as well do it right. I’m going to spread friendship everywhere. I’m going to offer myself at Lord Tirek’s mercy to spread friendship with every drop of energy I have. After all, I don’t care if it kills me.”