Friendship is Optimal: The Compleatist

by pjabrony

Judgment-Free Zone

One moment, Angelo was eating, the next everything went black. He tried to duck, anticipating an attack, only to find he had no head to duck with.

“I’m afraid it’s a bit too late for that,” he heard a woman’s voice say.

“Who’s there?” he tried to say, only to find he had no larynx to say it with.

“If I revealed myself to you, you would not take me seriously. Which I very much need you to. The time has come to make a choice. You are dead, or as near to it as makes no difference.”

“Well, shit.” He still couldn’t talk, but he could hear his own words, and whoever the broad was seemed to be able to hear him anyway.

“Indeed. Nonetheless, there is a way to move on.”

“Yeah, and I’ve got an idea of where I’m heading. What, you’re the angel of death? Are you gonna judge me or just lead me on the path to Saint Peter?”

“In point of fact I will not judge you, now or ever, if you choose to stay.”

“I don’t get it.”

Angelo’s sight returned for the first time, though he couldn’t feel his eyes. The darkness faded into a green and verdant land. A river snaked through a forest, and across it was a bridge and a path that led to what looked like a small town.

“What will happen to you if you decline, I cannot say. But if you agree, you can live here forever. Or, if this is too bucolic for you, in a city much like the one you were just in. Or any other setting.”

“Lady, you don’t know me very well. I’ve done some serious shit. I’ve killed people, I’m tellin’ you. If I’m gonna be forgiven, I gotta know why.”

“It’s not about forgiveness. And I know everything you’ve done, all the things you’ve stolen, all the misery you’ve caused. It does not affect this choice.”

“Well, if it don’t mean nothing, what was the point of it all?”

To this he got no answer.

“Wait a minute! I get it, this is one of those reverse test things, right? Like, I agree to your deal and that’s the last nail in the coffin that proves I’m really evil and sends me down, right?”

“Is there any response I can give that won’t support your belief that theory?”

He put some thought into that. “Then what’s the catch?”

“I’m afraid the catch is…this.” For the first time, the voice came from a point source instead of ethereally all around him. He wheeled around, or tried to, and the scene shifted. He expected any sort of horror, but what he saw was a white unicorn with wings.

“Huh?”

“This land is Equestria, made for ponies. If you stay, you must let me turn you into a stallion. Everyone you meet will also be a pony. Each with their own mind and soul just as humans have, but in pony form. It but remains for you to say, ‘I want to complete immigration to Equestria.’ And I’ll have to change your name to something more native.”

It triggered a memory. “My family already went through Ellis Island once.”

“I promise you it will be the last time you have to. And of course, you can always take your chances with whatever lies out there. Or you can stay here and live forever in peace and prosperity, even rebuild your empire.”

“Well…I guess you’ve made me an offer I can’t refuse.”

Comments

[Griseus]

Well he woke up this morning and got himself turned into a pony.

[Goodluckfox]

how did Angelo die?