The Arrival
The Arrival
The sounds of the desert were quiet, all except for the sound of the Friendship Express headed toward the small town of Appaloosa. Unlike the trip of the Mane Six, it's engine was well filled with hot coal, being shoveled in by the fire pony. There was no need for stallions to pull the train to it's destination. Some of the train's passengers, Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle, were beginning to grow restless.
“Ooh, I know, let’s try going to the engine room and help shovel coal into the engine,” suggested Applebloom. “We could get our cutie marks in that.”
“YEAH, CUTIE MARK CRUSADER COAL SHOVEL… uh, isn’t there a specific name for that kind of pony?” asked Scootaloo.
“Well, let’s just ask the guy,” replied Sweetie Belle.
As the three fillies ran toward the front of the car, Applejack jumped in to block the door leading to the next car.
“Nuh uh,” she said. “We all agreed tuh stay in this here car and not run around the train where you would disturb other ponies. Ah only agreed to let ya’ll come if ya’ll behave.”
“What’er you talkin’ about Applejack, let the kids roam around,” said Uncle Apple Strudel in his squawky accent. He was wearing his usual green leprechaun outfit.
“But we are almost at…” As Applejack turned to face Uncle Strudel, she noticed his beard was right up in her face. “Uncle Strudel, stop talking to me right in ma face. It makes other ponies uncomfortable.” Applejack stepped away from the ‘close talker’.
“Besides,” Uncle Strudel was whispering in Applejack’s ear. “I really want to take a look at that kid’s scooter. She never wants to lend it to me.”
“You can’t just take other ponies’ stuff while they… wait a sec…”
As Applejack paused to examine her surroundings, she noticed that the Cutie Mark Crusaders were missing. “They must have gone to the front of the train,” she said.
“Don’t yah worry, noogie noogie noogie,” said Uncle Strudel as he rubbed his hoof on Applejack’s mane, making her feel uncomfortable. “They’ll be fine.”
It was at this point that the train came to an abrupt stop.
“Well, we’re here. Let’s get tuh the front of the train so we can find th… DON’T TOUCH HER SCOOTER!” Applejack yelled as she spotted Uncle Strudel inching his way toward Scootaloo’s luggage.
The two ponies walked off the train and began to head toward the front. Uncle Strudel walked beside Applejack with their shoulders touching, causing Applejack to shift toward the train in an attempt to gain some personal space. Eventually she found herself pushed against the train as she was walking.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
“GET OUT. NO PONY IS ALLOWED TO BE IN HERE,” said the fire pony. She had thrown the three fillies out the train. “It’s dangerous for fillies to be in the engine room.”
The three fillies landed facing a billboard at the station in front of the train engine.
“Huh, I guess we aren’t going to get our cutie marks as fire ponies,” said Applebloom.
“Yeah, it’s much too dirty as well,” Sweetie Belle said as she tried to shake off some of the soot on her body.
As Scootaloo turned up to look at the billboard, a couple of posters caught her eye. Dangerous looking ponies stared blankly into the distance, right under a giant "WANTED" sign.
“That’s it! We can be become Cutie Mark Crusader Bounty Hunters,” cried Scootaloo, pointing to the posters.
“That IS the best idea ever,” assured Applebloom.
To get a closer look at one of the photos of the suspects, Sweetie Belle stood on top of Applebloom, and Scootaloo stood on top of her.
“Looks like this suspect is a stallion with a black coat and blond mane,” pointed out Scootaloo. “Wanted for the burglary of Sheriff Silverstar’s residence. Name and cutie mark are unknown. Bring suspect to the office of Sheriff Silverstar alive for five hundred bits.”
“Ah know that guy.” Uncle Strudel had snuck up behind them, scaring the tower of fillies and causing it to fall over. “I first met him when Ah was moving to Appaloosa.”
---------------------------------------------------------------
Uncle Strudel and his son Braeburn were on a train ride to the small village which would one day be called Appaloosa. They were moving into the area to start the construction of the new apple orchard.
During their ride, they saw another pony in the same car as them, which was unusual for a very desolate destination.
“Helloooo, noogie, you new in town?” Uncle Strudel said approaching the strange stallion.
“Ahhhh, get away from my face ya creepy old coot,” he shouted in response.
---------------------------------------------------------------
“‘He didn’t seem to want to talk to me very much after that.” Uncle Strudel was grasping Sweetie Belle tightly against him as he told his story. “Ah still see him wandering around town, but he seems to ignore me.”
“Thanks for the info,” said Sweetie Belle as she desperately tried to break free of his grip. “Now let us go so we can get him.”
“Wait Uncle Strudel, you should come with us,” Applebloom said.
“Applebloom, do you really want him to come with us?” whispered Scootaloo, “He’s just going to suffocate us, in multiple ways.”
“If ya’ll are lookin for him, he might be at the Salt Flock. Ah see him in there fairly often,” Uncle Strudel said.
“But I thought fillies weren’t allowed to go in there,” Applebloom said.
“Yes, I suppose a responsible uncle would keep you out of there; but what’s the fun in that?”
“Well, I guess it would be better if he tagged along,” Scootaloo said as she turned back to Applebloom.
“Hold on,” Applejack protested. “Ah’m not okay with three fillies going into a saloon. I don’t care…”
“APPLEJACK! APPLEBLOOM!” Braeburn was running up to greet his relatives. “Welcome to AAAAAAAAppaloosa. Welcome back dad, how was your trip?”
“It was fantastic.” Uncle Strudel had dragged his face up to his son, Braeburn. Unlike Applejack, Braeburn just stood there and turned to Applejack as if nothing was wrong. “Applejack, you said you were gunna bring a barrel of Sweet Apple Acre cider with you,” he said. “You said its name was Al, right?”
“Shoot, Ah left him on the train with our luggage. He must be rotting in there.”
“Well, let’s get him then.” Braeburn began to push Applejack toward the back of the train where they were keeping the cider.
“Wait, Braeburn, Uncle Strudel is going to…”
But Braeburn wasn’t listening. He was far too enthusiastic about getting a taste of “Al”.
“Well now that Applejack is out of our manes, let’s goooo to the bar,” said Uncle Strudel.
“All right! Cutie Mark Crusader Bounty Hunters GO” shouted Applebloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle as jumped up and hoof-bumped each other.
---------------------------------------------------------------
The four ponies had arrived at the saloon known as Salt Flock. There was a large, muscular stallion at the entrance that was checking incoming ponies for proof of age. He had a dark brown coat and black mane. His cutie mark was a circle formed by three arrows. Uncle Strudel walked up to the guard and got in his face.
“Ah think you best be letting us in now,” Uncle Strudel said.
“Back up old man,” said the guard in his gruff voice. “My name is Stand, and it’s my job to keep the little ones out of here.”
“But I’ve always been able to bring in my younger relatives. Who asked for the policy…”
“Uncle Strudel?” Applebloom had pushed his aggravated uncle aside. “Let me handle this.” She walked up to the guard in a very confident, posh manner. “So sorry for the misunderstanding Mr. Stand, but we should have probably told you about the accident that happened to us.”
“Accident?”
“As is common knowledge, our small town of Ponyville gets attacked SO often. Perhaps you have heard about the attack of the Infantinites 6 years ago.”
“No, I haven’t.”
“Oh man, they are gruesome creatures. If you ever come across one, never look them in the eye, cause they will turn you back into a child, FOREVER. That is what happened to me 6 years ago. It was horrible.” Applebloom managed to start making fake tears. Of course, there was no such thing as an Infantinite, but Applebloom had become a really good liar by practicing on the school bullies. It wasn’t a skill her sister was very proud of. “Ever since it happened, no pony has been able to take me seriously.”
“Sorry for the misunderstanding,” replied Stand. “You may enter.”
The four ponies proceeded to enter the Salt Flock through the double swinging doors. It was fairly quiet as there were only about four other ponies inside. The place wouldn’t get crowded until later in the evening. The room also had a back entrance with a single swinging door that covered the entire doorway, unlike the entrance. Other than the doorways, there was only a couple of windows on each side where light could enter. Small oil lamps illuminated the dark corners of the bar where the sunlight couldn't reach.
“There he is,” said Sweetie Belle, pointing to the suspect in one of the corners. His black coat and blond mane were easily recognizable. He wore a large overcoat which covered up his cutie mark. He was drinking from a tall glass bottle labeled Salty Malt.
“Wow, this bounty hunting is easy,” said Scootaloo. “Let’s get him.”
She began to run at the suspect, but her tail was yanked back by Applebloom.
“We can’t just jump on him, it will attract too much attention,” warned Sweetie Belle. “We have to lure him outside and get him there.”
“Good idea,” replied Applebloom. “I’ll go set up a trap outside that back door. Find a way to lead him out there.”
“You think you can set up an adequate trap?” asked Scootaloo.
“Well, I’ve recently been setting up traps to capture the pests that steal our apples, shouldn’t be too much harder to set up a trap for a pony.”
“Alright, let’s do this,” said Sweetie Belle.
After a quiet hoof-bump, Applebloom left out the back door, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle began to approach the suspect, only to find that Uncle Strudel was already there arguing with the suspect.
“Why don’t ya ever talk to me and my son? You’ve been ignoring us ever since we met on the train.”
“Well, you got up to half an inch from my face and yelled ‘Helloooo’ at the top of your lungs,” replied the suspect. “How do you expect me to react?” The suspect was aggressively pushing Uncle Strudel’s face away with his forehoof.
This action gave Sweetie Belle an idea of how to get him outside. “Hey, since you two CLEARLY have a score to settle, why don’t you take this outside? And settle this like real stallions?”
“Bah, I am not low enough to beat my hooves at an elderly pony,” the suspect asserted.
“What’re you talkin about? Ah’m still a hefty good fighter,” said Uncle Strudel as he got up on his hind legs and began to show off his forelegs.
Scootaloo began to join in the charade. “Yeah, sounds to me like you’re just chicken!”
At those words, the suspect’s previously apathetic face turned to a frown. “NO PONY CALLS ME A CHICKEN!” He then proceeded to take off his overcoat to reveal his cutie mark. It was a chicken with a giant red “X” on it. “My name is Antifowl, and my SPECIAL TALENT is not being a chicken. I accept this challenge. We shall fight until there is only one stallion standing.”
“Wait, why are we doing this?” asked Uncle Strudel. He was not yet ready to fight.
“Please Uncle Strudel, just play along,” pleaded Scootaloo. “I’ll… lend you my scooter.”
“OH SWEET CELESTIA, THANK YOU. Mr. Antifowl, let’s do this.”
As Antifowl began chugging his drink, Scootaloo ran out the front entrance and around to the back, where Applebloom was setting up the trap.
“Okay, he should be outside in just a few moments,” Scootaloo said.
“Wait, the trap isn’t ready yet.”
“Well, then what do we do? He’s already coming outside.”
“Try to stall him.”
Scootaloo ran up to one of the windows and saw that Antifowl had finished his drink and got up from his table. She tapped on the window to get Sweetie Belle’s attention. As Sweetie Belle turned toward the window, she saw Scootaloo making a “no” gesture with her hooves. Luckily, she was able to get the message.
“Uh, hold on you guys, I just…uh remembered something.”
“Oh?” Antifowl turned toward Sweetie Belle. “What would that be?”
“Um, it was… a song, to build up the dramatic fight you will be having.”
So the insults have been thrown
And the rage has now been sown
Then its time for the …
Sweetie Bell paused abruptly as she heard a tapping sound coming from the window. It was Scootaloo, she was gesturing toward the back door.
“Um, that’s all, time to start the fight,” Sweetie Belle said.
“Why? I was just getting into it,” said the eager suspect. “Did you know you have really good voice?”
Sweetie Belle started to blush, but quickly resumed a serious face. “Thanks, but now you must go outside and fight.”
Uncle Strudel was agreeing with Antifowl, “Ah too wanted to hear the rest of the…”
“Just GO!” Sweetie Belle’s voice cracked as she tried to shove the two stallions out the back door with her head.
“All right, all right,” Antifowl said as he walked toward the back door. “Ya know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were leading me into some kind of traAAAAHHHH.” As his foreleg stepped in the coil of rope that lay on the ground, it closed in on his foreleg, and he was hoisted up several feet into the air, dangling above the back door.
“WE GOT ‘EM, WE GOT ‘EM, CUTIE MARK CRUSADER BOUNTY HUNTERS.” The three fillies proceeded to turn around to look at their respective flanks. To their disappointment, they were still blank.
“Maybe we have to turn him in to Sheriff Silverstar first,” Scootaloo said. “Let’s drag him down there.”
“HEY, YOU THREE!” Stand the saloon guard had spotted them around the back of the saloon. “My boss just told me: There is no such thing as Infantinites.”
“Took him long enough,” Applebloom snickered.
“YOU WILL PAY FOR TRICKING ME.”
“RUN!” shouted Applebloom.
The three fillies immediately took off to the streets. The angry stallion chased after them.
“Well, uh, Ah guess our fight is cancelled,” Uncle Strudel said. “I gotta find those three young'ins before they get hurt."
“Wait, aren’t you going to turn me in to Sheriff Silverstar?” asked Antifowl.
“Why would Ah do that?”
“You’re a bounty hunter right?”
“Bounty hunter? What gave ya that idea?”
“Uh… never mind. Could you please get me down from here?”
“Nah, I gotta take care of my family first.”
“You’re just chicken because you know I would’ve won.”
But Uncle Strudel had ignored him and disappeared around the corner where the Cutie Mark Crusaders had run off.
“Huh, I guess that only works on me,” the dangling stallion said to himself.
----------------------------------------------------------------
The three fillies managed to lose Stand within the supermarket. The sun was setting on the horizon as they proceeded to walk back to the Salt Flock.
“Oh, I hope he didn’t escape while we were gone,” said Sweetie Belle.
“He didn’t escape, look over there.” Scootaloo was pointing to Antifowl, who was completely bound in ropes and being carried on the back of a strange mare. She had a bright red coat and an orange mane. She was wearing a black desperado hat.
“Hey, that’s OUR bounty.” shouted Scootaloo as she began to chase after the stranger. The stranger took notice and began to run away.
Although Scootaloo couldn’t fly, she could still use her wings to gain some lift, allowing her to run faster than the average filly. However, this was no ordinary stranger, as she began to outrun Scootaloo despite carrying the tied up stallion on her back.
As the stranger turned right around a street corner, Scootaloo grew tired and out of breath, still trotting in a futile attempt to keep up. As she looked around the corner, she saw the stranger talking with Sheriff Silverstar.
She’s going to take our bounty.
She walked up to the two ponies, “Hey, you,” *pant* “the cutie mark,” *pant* “crusaders,” *pant* “got him first. We deserve the…”
*WHIP*
The stranger had taken out a bull whip with her right foreleg and cracked the air in front of Scootaloo, causing her to jump. Now that Scootaloo was face to face with the stranger that stole their bounty, she saw that she was a fairly old earth pony, a bit younger than Uncle Apple Strudel. She also had multiple scars glazed across her face and body, including her cutie mark, which was a coiled bull whip.
“This is MAH bounty,” she replied in her heavy Southern accent. “Sheriff!” *WHIP* “Hand me the payment ah deserve.”
“Ow, okay okay,” replied Sheriff Silverstar as he was clutching the part of his leg that was whipped. He went back inside his office to get the reward.
The stranger began talking with her bounty, “So, judging by your cutie mark, I’m guessing that you committed this crime based on a dare from your friends.”
“Uh… yeah. That’s actually correct. But what was I supposed to do? They called me a chicken, and my special talent is not…” *WHIP* “OW!”
“All criminals must be brought to justice, no matter how naïve or immature the motivation for the crime.”
“Alright, here is five hundred bits.” Sheriff Silverstar had come out of his office with a bag of money. *WHIP* “OW, what was that for?”
“For capturing the suspect within a mere couple of hours of the posting, Ah believe Ah deserve an extra one hundred bits.” The stranger had a large glare in her eyes.
“But I remember,” began Scootaloo. “The poster said the reward was only five hundred…”
*WHIP*
The stranger had cracked the air in front of Scootaloo. “Stay outta of this kid,” she asserted.
“Uh, question,” began Antifowl, “How come you directly whip me but only whip the air in front of her?”
*WHIP*
“Ah make a rule of not whipping children,” she replied. “You on the other hand, are an adult criminal, and deserve no such sympathies.
*WHIP*
“OW! What was that for?” The suspect was recoiling in pain.
“Oh, sorry, mah body just does that sometimes.”
“Stop abusing the suspect,” replied Sheriff Silverstar. “He’s our responsibility now.”
*WHIP*
“Not until ah get my ‘Exceptional Efficiency’ payment.”
“OW, all right, fine.” Sheriff Silverstar counted out one hundred more bits put them into another bag before handing both bags to the stranger. As the Sheriff dragged the suspect inside his office, the stranger lifted the bag around her back. Then she turned to Scootaloo.
“Come, if ya goin’ to be a bounty hunter, yer are gunna need a few tips.”
“Um, I don’t know,” replied Scootaloo nervously. “I should really get back to my friends.”
*WHIP*
Dust flew from the ground where the stranger whipped right into Scootaloo’s face, causing her to cough.
“Come, Ah insist.”
Scootaloo was scared of this stranger and knew it might have been a bad idea to follow her, but Scootaloo couldn’t deny that the stranger knew what she was doing when it came to bounty hunting. She reluctantly followed the stranger behind the Sheriff’s office.
“Listen kid,” the stranger began. “You and yer friends have a lot of potential as bounty hunters. Most of the idiots that try to compete with me never even manage to locate a bounty. You three managed to snare one on yer first try.”
“Um, thanks, Applebloom worked real hard to make that trap.”
“But ya need to practice some common sense. Ah was in the bar watching you and your friends executing yer plan. It was smart of you to keep quiet about the bounty while you were in the bar, but you seemed to forget all of that once you finally caught him.”
“Oh yeah, guess we shouldn’t yell our motto at the top of our lungs.”
“And try not to leave yer bounty unattended. It helps to design your traps so that no one except yerselves can find it. That way, if ya have to leave yer bounty, no one else will be able ta find it. Cuz once you and yer friends left, stealing your bounty was quite easy. All Ah had to do was ‘remove’ the competition that had stirred up.”
“Okay, thanks for the lesson Miss…”
“Just call me PC.”
“What does that mean?”
“Over the years, it meant many things, but I like to think of it as ‘Pest Control’.”
“Cool.”
*WHIP*
Scootaloo jumped in shock after the whip had cracked cleanly behind her without physical contact.
“I wasn’t kidding when I said my body does that sometimes,” said PC. “Before ya reunite with yer friends, take a bit of the reward.” She took out the smaller bag of one hundred bits and tossed it to Scootaloo.
“Thank you so much,” Scootaloo exclaimed.
“No problem,” PC said as she tipped her desperado hat.
Scootaloo said goodbye to PC and ran off in front of the sheriff’s office. When she got there, the entire family (Applejack, Braeburn, Uncle Strudel, Applebloom, and Sweetie Belle) were all there waiting for her.
“Welcome back Scootaloo, have fun?” Applejack looked at Scootaloo with a frown.
“Uh, yeah I guess,” she replied.
“Well I sure hope so, cause when ya’ll went on your little bounty hunter adventures, Braeburn and I were stuck carrying all your heavy luggage to the house, despite the fact that we agreed that the three of you would carry all of yer own stuff.”
“Oh, sorry.”
“So to make up for our aching backs, you and yer friends will be getting up tomorrow in the early morning to help plant the new apple orchard. I know this is supposed to be a vacation, but I think a little hard work outta teach ya something about consideration for others.”
“Alright,” Scootaloo groaned. Applebloom and Sweetie Belle shared her facial expressions.
“Don’t even know why ya’ll pack so much stuff anyway,” Applejack grumbled.
----------------------------------------------------------------
The group of ponies had finally arrived at Uncle Strudel’s house. It was much smaller than any house the Cutie Mark Crusaders lived in. The ground floor was merely made up of a stove, sink and a table big enough for four ponies, all of which stood at various corners of the room. There was steep flight of stairs to the second floor in the back of the room.
After a quiet dinner, the Cutie Mark Crusaders were getting ready for bed, as they had to get up early the next morning. There were only two bedrooms in the house. The CMC would be sharing one, while the other three would use the other.
“Maybe we just aren’t adequate bounty hunters,” Applebloom said as she got into bed. “Let’s try something else tomorrow afternoon.”
“Don’t say that, PC was really impressed with us,” Scootaloo said. “We can’t give up on just the first try.”
“Who is PC?”
“She’s the one who stole our bounty. She’s kind of scary with that whip, but was nice enough to share some of the reward with us.”
Scootaloo pulled out the bag of one hundred bits that was given to her. Her reveal was met in awe.
“She said that we have the potential to be great bounty hunters. There are plenty of bounties running around this town, and we have three more days on our vacation. That means three more days to get our cutie marks in bounty hunting.”
Scootaloo followed up with the advice given to her by PC.
“All right, tomorrow we’ll get a bounty for sure,” Applebloom said.
Suddenly, Uncle Strudel burst into the room. “Goooooood night, ya little noogies,” he said as he rubbed his hooves along the heads of the trio who were already in bed. “Can’t wait to try out your scooter Scootaloo.”
“I just hope we can survive your family first,” groaned Scootaloo.
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Alright, having read it, it was decent, but the dialogue seemed a bit awkward and there really wasn't much in the way of description. You might want to work on those. I'll be keeping an eye on this.
1060295
Thanks for the feedback and the and the fave. But I think I need to know, which dialogue lines felt awkward to you? And which scenes could use more description?
Ok. I believe you have the potential to write something good, and the idea is a great one. So believe me when I tell you that all criticizing here is because I want you to succeed. Ok? Also these are merely suggestions
Give us at least a sentence on how Appleloosa looks and feels like. For example: "The first rays of Celestia's sun felt already too hot in the unforgiving desert. The long shadows projected by the many Appleloosan(?) buildings gave little respite. Watching the approaching city from one of the train's window; Applebloom breathed the dry air around her and gazed upon her two best friends, feeling as restless as the other fillies."
I think it would be better if AJ said "Y'all agreed tah ..."
Maybe: "Uncle Strudel, ya don't need to talk to me right in ma face, ya kno'?"
How about:
"said the coal shoveling pony. He had thrown the three fillies outside, by the train engine. "It's dangerous for little foals like yourselves to be in this place!
The three fillies landed facing a billboard at the station.
"But we are big ponies!" protested Applebloom to the already gone machinist. Turning to her friends she said “Huh, I guess we aren’t going to get our cutie marks as coal shoveling ponies”
As Scootaloo turned up to look at the billboard, a couple of dangerous looking ponies stared blankly at her. A list of crimes and a big number of promised bits lay in big black letters below the pictures of these outlaws".
“That’s it! We can be become Cutie Mark Crusader Bounty Hunters,” cried Scootaloo, pointing to the posters.
Was that a typo or just southern accent?
You don't need the second ","
The four ponies proceeded to enter the Salt Flock through the double swinging doors. The smell of salt and stale sweat permeated the saloon while a few lone sun rays barely illuminated the dreary place. A single swinging door covering the back entrance could hardly be seen though the haze. It was fairly quiet as there were only about four other ponies inside. The place wouldn’t get crowded until later in the evening.
They didn't lose Antifowl, they lost the guard, Stand. I believe you were meaning to say "market", they lost him at the market. You can throw in a line there that they also lost a lot of time doing so.
Ok. following on the previous advice, how does Uncle Strufel's house looks?
Happy writing!
