O.e

This is true art. I thank you. Oh, and by the way, MOAR GOD-DAMN YOU!

Don't you just love how you re-upload something with a different picture and now everyone who hated it because of the old pic loves it because they actually read it?

Me when I notice it says incomplete and there's more to come:

....Wow.
Now THAT. THAT, my good friend, is Clop.
Yippie-ki-yay, there's more to come!

Not bad at all. A couple of things did stick out, though.

First, there were some slip-ups regarding tense. For instance: "She began to writhe beneath her as Pinkie’s juices overflow and once more, Mac licked her clean. Once Dash’s body went limp, he pulls out. Dash gasps for air, her cheeks bright but she wore a smile all the same." That sequence contains verbs that are both past and present tense, and since you seemed to want to tell the story in the past tense, you would want it to read, "She began to writhe beneath her as Pinkie’s juices overflowed and once more, Mac licked her clean. Once Dash’s body went limp, he pulled out. Dash gasped for air, her cheeks bright but she wore a smile all the same." There were a few instances of tense switching throughout, but that was the most noticeable.

Second, about the story itself: While I understand that this is likely meant to be simply a fun romp between three characters, I felt a bit of an emotional disconnect between the three of them simply because there wasn't a lot of interaction before sexytimes. You know my work; I'm all about the emotion of the sexual act as opposed to just the enjoyment, and while I do think this story is a lot of fun, it doesn't appeal to me on a deeper level, and that, in my opinion, hurts its longevity and effectiveness. If this is intended as nothing more than a "good time was had by all" story, then that's perfectly fine; there's nothing wrong with that, it's just not the type of erotic piece I would read on a regular basis.

On more positive notes, your descriptions were vivid without being overly detailed, your characterization (especially some of the dialogue) was well done, and to be honest, this is something that I can see Rainbow and Pinkie getting involved in (probably Macintosh too...he is just a man, after all). I like a good humanized clop, and other than what I've already mentioned, I enjoyed the read. Good work!

1060285

Huh. Didn't think I'd run into you here. I just see your submissions on 60MP.

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I have to say that I agree with Jujube on the lack of emotional connection. As much as I enjoy good clop, the lack of plot (content, people! There was enough of the other on there!) is kind of a big deal in reading/writing. Other than that, save for a confusing, convoluted personal contextual issue which I won't address, I thought it was an okay read.

1061602 Didn't you know? I'm everywhere.

And the word escaped me when I made my initial comment, but yes, this story did lack a real plot other than "Threesome! " If there were more of a backing story, more of a lead-in or some type of flashback to get the reader interested and invested before clothes start getting peeled off, then I would enjoy this a lot more.

1060285 Oh my gosh, you commented on one of my stories! *faints*

*gets up*

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for the critique! You have no idea how much this means to me! And I understand completely about the emotional lack. I kinda wanted to focus more on the act itself but I totally get where you are coming from.

1060851
all of my wats to that pic

1080421 You should have seen the original pic I posted

1082365
i would love to see

1082498 Sure, I'll send you a PM

Yippie Ki-Yay! I love it. Keep it up!

Needs a little proofreading, but very good otherwie.

I don't normally read clop with guys in it, but this was pretty good.More, please?

kind of erotic, and kind of funny. well done

i would clop but im in a hospital i popped a boner and i got people staring at it

I just realized that they had unprotected sex.

5899849 Yes. You are correct.