Pinkie Pie Tells A Story

by FeverishPegasus

Monsieur Jalapeno

"And now you're saying there's more?!" Little Pip exclaimed.

"Yep! Right after the meteorite struck our planet and made it into a desolate wasteland..."

---

Derpy, while trotting down outskirts of Ponville, felt the cravings for a muffin. She thought about it for a second. How convenient would it be if a muffin just appeared in front of me? However, she sighed and dismissed it. As much as she wanted it to happen, she’d wished for the same thing many times, often without an acceptable result.

Once, she’d seen a pebble resting in the middle of the street, which was at least something. Although she wasn’t a picky eater, Derpy knew firsthand how her pegasus teeth wouldn’t be able to grind up that rock. Painful thoughts of a satisfied tummy, but chipped teeth came to mind. No more rocks…

**************************

Weeks later, when she met Colgate to fix her chipped teeth, the fallout had been terrifying. The chewing out she’d received via the dentist pony’s white, pristine teeth still made her shiver. Colgate cared about her patients, but she could really turn into a conspiracy theorist. The world wasn’t going to end just because of Derpy’s chipped teeth, even if the stability of the elements of harmony had something to do with it.

Although, now that she thought about it, the day she chipped her teeth had been the day Discord took over. It wasn’t anything she would fall for, though. All of the rumors pointed to three arguing fillies on a field trip. When did teeth affect anything anyways?

(From far away, you hear a businessman yell, “Networking!” Do not mind him)

It was a good thing she hadn’t eaten the pebble though. Shortly after contemplating the pebble’s future, a gray pony with a purple mane approached, mumbling something along the lines of “Found you.”

Derpy had heard the next part clearly.

“Now you go.” After which the strange pony left the rock where it was.

She realized just now what the pony had been doing.

The pony had been playing hide and seek with her best friend.

She thought fondly of the time she’d spent with Mr. Mumble. He’d only lasted three weeks, but she could recall playing things like hide-and-seek, I spy, red rover, king’s cup…

She’d injured herself playing red rover with Mr. Mumble once. Her mom had asked her why her nose was bleeding, and it was the only time she’d lied. Well, it was more like a half-truth. It was true that she’d run into a tree, but only because Mr. Mumble told her the tree was on his team. She didn’t want her mom to disapprove of Mr. Mumble.

It had been for nothing, though. On the third week, she’d found her friend in the trash can, alone, left for dead, rotting, decaying, generally in a sour mood.

She’d taken the thing to her mother, flakes of mold falling off of Mr. Mumble’s now-destitute body, weeping at her betrayal. “W-Why…why did you do this?”

She’d only responded with, “Honey! Get that out of your mouth this instant!” And threw her friend into the trash a second time, this time pulling out the trash bag and throwing it into a rainbow factory deposit line. The sign off to the side read, Trash => New Friends Under Rainbows. Good thing it’s not the other way around! Ha Ha.

She’d hoped with all her might that the pony responsible for that sign got fired. Even without the irony it was a sick sense of humor.

Forced too.

**********************

Present day. Present time.

Incredibly, Derpy looked up from her reminiscing to see a muffin on the street. How convenient.

Although, she had to be wary eating things like this out in the open. Who knows, a pony could’ve laced it with caffeine or something, just to see her whizz around and crash into everything. It could have Lupus.

She’d heard stories of ponies eating things out in the open, just to get a mouthful of cat pee, balloon rubber, even cancer. That last story hadn’t turned out to be true. The doctors said that the poor foal already had the cancer before eating the muffin. Turns out, the foal wouldn’t have found out about the cancer without eating the muffin in the first place. He’d only gone to the hospital because he realized too late that he was eating a muffin off the ground.

But, as far as Derpy was concerned, those were good odds, so she picked it up. Her reasoning was that since the muffin had been lifted up off the ground, it was now safe to eat. She’d only been instructed not to eat stuff on the ground, so this was a clever loophole.

She ate it. It looked like a seagull trying to swallow a full size tuna fish, and succeeding.

Spoilers, the muffin was indeed safe, but it had been thrown out for a reason. (Also, Gandalf dies to Snape in Season 3 of Game of Thrones)

**********************

In the store right next to Derpy lived an aspiring pastry chef named Hollip Peño. He’d gotten his cutie mark, a picture of a jalapeno, while walking around his parents’ farm. The instant he saw the vegetable, he ran up and ate it. To this day, he remembered the pain his young taste buds felt while trying to deal with its zest.

But after that first ordeal, it had become his mission to incorporate the vegetable into every meal his parents cooked so that he could build a tolerance to the forbidden fruit (this is an allusion I know jalapenos are vegetables).

Rice? The adventurous foal added his own cubed jalapenos.

Soup? He learned to cut the jalapenos into slices, so that they could be passed off as lettuce.

Brownies? It took a bit of instruction from Tree Hugger, but Hollip learned to incorporate plants into his brownies soon enough.

At last! One day, Hollip found that he could handle eating the jalapeno pepper without so much as a single grimace. It was on that day that Hollip got his cutie mark, and learned just what he wanted to do with his life.

Put jalapenos in everything.

At first, his parents were very supportive of his calling. He’d quickly made himself out to be a world class chef, his signature style being that of the jalapeno wielder, the only man capable of using the vegetable’s flavor in such intricate ways. The world bowed to his prowess as a jalapeno chef, for that was the gift given by his cutie mark.

But soon, Hollip Peño grew bored.

He’d done everything. Jalapenos with tuna, salmon, eggs, ham, bacon, cordon bleu, turkey, croissants, chocolate, even more jalapenos, all met with critical acclaim. It grew tiresome to win with the same worn out recipes.

Day after day passed, and he resented his calling, falling deeper into his jalapeno infused whiskey every morning. He hadn’t come up with a new recipe for years, his passion was gone.

One day, Hollip Peño chose to drink straight whiskey, without any of his special jalapeno infusions. It was then that he realized it was time to wake up. His profession was killing him, and it was time to try something new.

His friend, Pinkie Pie (because let’s face it, Pinkie Pie is friends with everyone), gave him some connections to get started in the pastry industry. It was new, and Hollip was willing to give it a shot.

He worked with his jalapeno cupcakes, cakes, pies, donuts, and cookies like a man who’d just gotten a loan of a million dollars. Once again, Hollip found his passion, and he no longer needed to drink his jalapeno infused whiskey as much.

However, everyone else wasn’t happy. The chef they knew and loved disappeared on them, and many wanted him back, even if they had to insult his new calling.

His store brand, JALAPENO pastries, was ridiculed, boycotted, even blacklisted. Society could not let go of the dying man he once was.

Hollip Peño did not care, and continued life as a pastry pony. Nothing could stop him.

Well, anything short of death at least.

****************

The pastry Derpy had eaten was a throwaway of Hollip’s. There hadn’t been anything particularly wrong with the pastry, it’s just that Hollip had high standards, and even the slightly imperfect pastries wouldn’t do.

So all in all, Derpy had eaten a slightly imperfect pastry made by master chef Hollip. Maybe a bit of dirt too, since the muffin had been on the ground.

However, unlike Hollip and his followers, Derpy was not used to the powerful flavor of the jalapeno, and felt the pain of food that is much too spicy.

Desperate, she searched for a nearby lake. Anything really, to quench the burning fire in her mouth.

She saw a lake, but it was one mile away. Much too far.

However, Hollip saw her struggle through his window, and jumped out to help her, as best as he could at least. He wanted to use his last batch of milk on his final set of cupcakes for the night, so he kinda just stood there, giving Derpy words of encouragement from the sidelines. Things like “Hang in there!” and “I send you my best thoughts!”

It took a few minutes, but eventually the Scovilles subsided and Derpy managed to cough herself to victory.

Hollip felt happy for her. His first time hadn’t been fun either.

They kind of stood there for a moment.

Derpy just looked at the ground, not too sure why her pain had attracted that much attention.

Hollip looked at her the way a parent or grandparent might while reminiscing what they were like at that age.

“Soooo…” Derpy said, trailing off.

He just looked at her earnestly. Still reliving past versions of himself.

And that was it.

They walked away from each other.

---

"Now," Little Pip asked, "Could you explain to me how you were involved in the story?"

"I was the one that set up Hollip's connections!"

"Yeah, but...what was the purpose? You set up Hollip's connections, great, but how does that apply to you in real life?"

"Aren't you curious about Hollip and Derpy? They were the real main characters."

"Sure, why not. What was the moral of their story?" It was hard to tell with Pinkie, but Pip swore she was enjoying this.

"Pssh."

"What?" he asked, incredulous. "That sound that just came out of your mouth was not an answer."

"There wasn't one."

"What do you mean there wasn't a moral? Why'd you even tell me the story?"

Pinkie gave one of her pleasant, but slightly condescending laughs. "You listened didn't you?"

"Yeah, 'cause I thought you were actually gonna end on something. Instead, both of the characters just walked away. Why'd you spend so much time going over Hollip Peño's backstory if you were just going to have him cheer for a bit, then walk away?"

"If you didn't like my story, why didn't you just walk away?" she said matter-of-factly.

"Because I'm confused! I want to know what's going on! The least you could do is provide a bit of closure."

"Sure, that was a story about my midlife crisis."

Tired, Little Pip squeaked out, "You don't even look like you're thirty."

Author's Note:

Try not to take yourself so seriously reader. Don't let life get you down.