Of Owls and Hats

by Malcolm Merlyn

Christmas idiocy

"Okay. So the last Christmas I enjoyed was when I jumped out of a plane." Slade explained as he sat down at the table with his companions taking a drink of aged and pale champagne.

"Why were you doing that?" Sanya asked. "Just for fun?"

"Sorta. So, the guy in the bat costume was deciding to patrol the skies in that fancy jet of his. I just decided to have some fun on my Christmas and crash his. Surprisingly, he got out of that."

"Should I be surprised?" Nat asked as she popped a chestnut into her mouth.

"Christmas is quite a boring holiday if you ask me. It's literally the same thing year after year." Slade sighed. "I usually spend my time by the fireplace with a good book. I suggest All Quiet On The Western Front, Red October and Black Hawk Down."

"I... never heard of any of them." Sanya said rather helplessly as she looked at Eila, who was busy munching an apple and playing around with Slade's phone.

"Well, I am not surprised to why. None of those things were actually written in 1944. By the way kid, your war is going to end in 1945, September 2nd. But... don't get your hopes up. You're going to have another one in 1950, June 25th. I fought in that war."

"Am I the only one who doesn't understand what he's saying?" Scout asked as he carried a few cans of coke to the table. "What the hell is the old guy going on about?"

"Nothing. Nothing." Eila replied. "Any chance I might meet "you" in 1950?"

"Probably not." Slade replied. "I think I'll probably be a woman too if you were to see me. And maybe... a little..."

"A little less of a total asshat is one thing." Scout waved.

"Okay son. Get the hell out of here before I decide to spend Christmas like how I did a few years ago."

"Jokes on you geezer! I don't have a plane!"

"I'll rip YOU apart instead then." Slade replied as he turned to Eila, who had somehow figured out how to use Angry Birds on his cellphone. "So. Any other Christmas stories to share?"

"Ever seen the Nutcracker?" Natalia asked.

"I used to watch ballet when I was about 45 years old and actually got along with my family."

"I saw it. It was fine." Hawkeye nodded as the sounds of a rather rambunctious crew of ruffians entered his eardrums. Grabbing two casings for bullets, he placed them into his ears as he continued to face the less annoying goers in this house. Someone, was singing "It's a birthday party at the house of farmer Grey" so badly, it was enough to make Hawkeye go blind.

"Ballet. It's one of my pasttimes." Black Widow commented as she continued. For no other reasons than because the author said so... Deadpool appeared right on the table with a box of cookies.

"HELLO EVERYBODY! AND MERRY CHRISTMAS! Now I know I wasn't invited and all, but you know what? I told the author that he was going to include me in this chapter, or I was going to rig his house with C4s."

"Not you again!" Slade groaned as he looked at the mostly insane Wilson.

"Yeah it's me again! The guy who kicked your ass on Deathbattle!" Deadpool exclaimed. "No hard feelings right bro? Here have a hug."

"Do not touch me." Slade growled as he shoved the other mercenary back.

"Who... are you?" Scout asked as he scratched his head.

"I am Wade Wilson! But everyone who knows me calls me Deadpool! Now then, I know I wasn't invited and all, but like I was saying..."

"I hate him already." Slade muttered underneath his breath.

"You kidding? He's awesome!" Eila smiled widely. "He's... he's like... I don't even know!"

"Eila. You just met this clown. And he's going off about an author and C4s." Slade replied.

"I dunno! He just sounds awesome! Hey Wade! Can I call you that?"

"Sure kid! Would you like some tacos? Or nachos? Or meatloaf? Or... um... candy? I have plenty of that in my van!"

"That was not creepy in any way shape or form..." Hawkeye commented as he slid away from the merc with a mouth. "Seriously? I hate social gatherings!"

"Awww... Mr. Hawkeye hates parties! Don't worry! Pinkie Pie will change your mind!" The pink earth pony said without warning as an explosion of confetti shook the entire table. "How about a cupcake?!"

Deadpool took one look at Pinkie Pie.

"I like you."

"YAY! WE CAN BE BEST FRIENDS YOU AND I, MR. DEADPOOL! WE CAN MAKE BALLOONS TOGETHER, WE CAN..."

"We can blow shit up together!"

"YES! With my party cannon!" Pinkie giggled as the explosion sent confetti in all directions. "Oh... right... it's Hearth's warming eve! Or as humans call it, CHRISTMAS!"

"My favorite holiday." Slade grumbled as he grabbed some whiskey and decided to pour himself quite a few shots, earning him the attention of Sanya.

"Isn't that bad for you?"

"Not for me. I have not been numb in over sixty years. Just let me try." Slade sighed as he took a long gulp, watching Pinkie Pie go on and on about presents and baked goods and that elusive fat guy in red. Speaking of an elusive fat guy in red...

"HEAVY IS HERE! WITH PRESENTS FOR ALL!" Heavy said as he sat down on the table with a huge creak and showed everyone his bag. "Alright. What do you want for Christmas?!"

"Mmmphh...mphhh..."

"I want a new grenade launcher! And sticky bomb launcher!"

"A life supply of sergeant Dan's soup!"

"I wanna be on a baseball card!"

"Another guitar!"

"Can... I... have... a new... pillow?"

"Hey! SANYA WANTS A NEW PILLOW." Eila said poking Heavy who glared at her. "Heh... sorry. Um... can I just have a candy cane?"

"I want... I WANT A HOTDOG COSTUME! WITH PLENTY OF SAUSAGES!" Deadpool grinned. "AND MAYBE THE OLD MAN COULD USE ANOTHER MISTRESS THAT IS FORTY YEARS YOUNGER THAN... no wait... how about sixty?"

"Heavy. May I borrow this for a moment?" Slade asked the Russian as he took a hold on his bag.

"Da. What for?"

"This." Slade replied as he gave it a mighty swing. The bag, holding all manner of things that normally wouldn't fit in a bag hit Deadpool with tremendous force, sending him straight through the floor. Calmly, the old mercenary gave Heavy the bag back.

"What the hell man?! Can't take a joke?"

"Go shoot yourself."

"Certainly!" Deadpool grinned underneath his mask as he took his pistol, and shot himself straight through the head. "Ta-da! What you gonna ask next? Wanna see a magic trick?! I'll make a pencil disappear like they did in The Dark Knight Rises."

"I like you." Pinkie Pie smiled widely. "You wanna break the fourth wall with me?! Again? Because I heard the author is installing some kind of fourthwall firewall where..."

"THAT SON OF A BITCH. IF HE DOES THAT I WILL BLOW UP HIS HOUSE. HEY AUTHOR. YOU LISTENING?! I'LL GIVE YOU YOUR ASS ON A STICK FOR CHRISTMAS IF YOU MAKE IT SO I CAN'T BREAK THE FOURTH WALL."

"This dude makes no sense." Scout commented. "But I like him."

"Yeah! Lot's of people do! You see... I met my hero a few months ago. Or was it weeks? Or years? I dunno. I met Captain America!"

"YOU MET CAPTAIN AMERICA?!" Soldier asked. "SWEET MOTHER OF JOESPH THIS IS AWESOME. DID YOU READ HIS COMIC BOOK ABOUT HOW HE PUNCHED A NAZI THROUGH THE LIVER AND PULLED OFF THE 88 OF A TIGER?!"

"I... I... I am certain he never did that. Or did he? I dunno!"

"This holiday. I hate it so much. I think it'd be better if I spent it with my two children." Slade sighed as he took a gulp of scotch.

"Here old man." Demo offered as he gave Slade his bottle. "These gits really are a handful sometimes."

"Yeah. My two children both hate me enough to kill me in case you're wondering."

"I just want to spend Christmas with my parents again." Sanya nodded. "I got to see them again."

"Must have been a good time. I never knew my parents." Slade nodded.

"You know... why don't we play a game?" Eila suggested as she took out a deck of cards.

"Poker? Heavy is pretty good." Engineer commented.

"Nah. These are tarot cards. I can read your future. For example, I know you're going to sit down in an armchair. Look down by the way."

Engie. Was. Sitting. In. An. Armchair.

"I'll be darned..."

"Let's see now... um... Slade... you... you are going to join a group of people... yeah... and..." Eila stopped for a moment as her eyes stared hard at the card. "Alright. Let's see... now... you're going to..."

"HE'S GOING TO JOIN THIS THING CALLED THE SUICIDE SQUAD, AND HE'S GONNA COME BACK HERE WITH HIS FRIENDS, AND THERE'LL BE EXPLOSIONS, MORAL QUESTIONS, A TON OF BAD GUYS, AND CASH! AND HE'S ALSO GOING TO SPEND TIME WITH HIS DAUGHTER, AND THEN MAYBE THEY'LL RUN INTO A GUY CALLED DARKSEID AND THEN THERE'S GOING TO BE A..."

"Shut up." Slade sighed as he grabbed a slice of pumpkin pie and stuffed it into Pinkie's mouth. "For christ's sake, christmas is better when I have bullets flying in my direction."

"You're a party pooper. You know that?" Pinkie Pie smiled. "But it's okay! Pinkie's gonna help you change."

"No."

"YES."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"No."

"What?"

"Darn. That normally works."

"Okay. Look over there all of you for a moment." Slade said. All heads turned.

"I don't see nothing!" Scout began.

"You fools! He merely played you." Spy explained as all heads turned back at the empty chair and the opened window.